What does schizophrenia mean, it means that I have been described as inappropriate and offensive (why 2021?), so that’s (a diagnosis made without knowing me or talking to me for more than 5 minutes) without reviewing all my work (graduate degree 3.2 GPA and books and website written) working toward developing a career in blogging and accusing me of writing, or being hurtful, and well as though its something I need to be told, or something I ever got away with, by what I look like or who I am.

I think this is beyond mental health or hospitalization, what I think the issue is “if you are stupid and that’s your fault” or are you “stupid and offensive” to say Im not funny or don’t have a good sense of humor, or not working hard. So what is the question, whether Im stupid on purpose, online or anywhere, and not credited for finishing my masters, I think living life and looking stupid and losing trust, is about not being street, and that Im not supported, and viewed as a person met or known that Im being accused of not being cordial or hurting the feelings of anyone made to talk to me, so its no different 2023, or 2014, the issue is whos driving me, and making fun of me for getting tired, or being made to be places as someone who is not strong, so that’s saying that based on who I am, no matter whats happened, accusing me of being offensive, or saying that it’s a joke whos care Im under or accuse me of being hurt or looking bad, so the constant theme is not being strong, and for others to be stronger than me, and question my thinking or what I say. I think if enough times occur that I look stupid, or be accused of being dramatic, then its me not believed, and the constant theme is my head gone or things being too much or too long, and making fun of me being strong, so that’s the story and characteristic being used to misinterpret who I was, or compare who I am, as though Im that way in public, so that’s how I get made to look grose, its upon being upset, if something upsetting occurs, and that hurts my head, and that affects my communications with others, what do I sound like when Im hurt, and why is that something that’s “too much” for another person to hear. Anytime you are not sure about something, its less important to share to anyone, what youre not sure about, that no one can explain to you, and anytime that youre not okay, the goal is to get well and be okay so that you can be around others. And the lesson in socializing is that you look bad, so that’s why you don’t feel good, and that’s why a relationship ends, so that’s being nice to people, and looking bad, and then to get upset over a fight, and look bad, and no one replies to you, so the common theme is whats too much. I think you lose in life, everything you have based on your wellness, and ability to maintain relationships, what schizophrenia teaches you, is that your reactions are questioned as bad, so bad reactions are sought, and that’s how you are made to look bad, so this is why I cant move on, why I cnat be happy, why I cant love, I cant date, and I cant be social, on the basis of this diagnosis, so whats upsetting is treating me as someone with a condition, who is online, be accused of influencing or passing a condition, that would cause people not to care for who knows me, hears my story, or comes to view life differently, I don’t think life is made to be harder than necessary or a Presidential dilemma, of punishing people for conditions or medications, be accused of ability that’s faulty, or carries disease, or is of a person who is guilty, to not believe, then why write, was a good pause and question, what to do with my life now. So no matter how many people try to help you, the issue is what is wrong with me, and the upset, is my health either my condition improving or getting worse, and whats the rationale for me getting sick, its to see what am I like, sick, what am I like when my head hurts, what am I like trying to help, what am I like working hard, what am I like when I look bad, what am I being punished for, and who am I able to help or love, I think being told Im not helping a DA, doesn’t mean that being out means that I can take chances, and since I didn’t make that a big deal, the question is what would make me happy, what would make me happy would be to get well, and not look stupid, be forgiven, accepting that “bad reactions” is the diagnosis and the criticism, and the ongoing issue is who I am capable of helping when accused of being hurtful. So ultimately what is true, losing my battle with voices and schizophrenia, and not making it to the hospital, means that I got suicidal for no reason, Im faced with difficulty and writing through challenges and hoping to improve, with no guarantees that I will recover, so this is about whether I hurt myself on purpose, or am hurtful to others, and for me to be hurt, for so long as it takes for me to recover and be well, and recovery will be about whats wrong with me what difficulty or challenge I faced who was offended, and why am I hurt and not supported, and in what way, am I not loved or not believed, and what does that seek to be relevant to, my identity, who I am, or where Ive been and what is about another …in the end if Im not recognized as well and hardworking, then no one will believe that I worked and was presentable and proud, I think right now the focus is on why am I sick, why am I not recovering, whats hurting me, whats the issue, and when will I get well and when will things get better, so the theme is everyone okay except me, and for me to be treated as though wellness is a reminded state or a state of being with permission that Ive not achieved, to see how I get well and get strong on my own without any help, without talking to anyone, no therapy, or psychiatry or going out, is the current test, its too late to cause me to speak in upset when what I have to say doesn’t matter anymore and I look bad, no one cares what my childhood was like or my mental health, in the end it will be about whether I improve, and whether I struggled by those losses, or whether I am someone who gets sick, and thinks that no one will be affected, so this is the why are you sick and who does that affect, everyone. Therefore not being suicidal means that since it takes many years to get confident, nows is not the time when I am trying to live my life any differently and be accused of getting sick on my own, or being told to stop, or not do things, and not listen, I think anytime anyone tries to help, a better place for me in life, is not possible, when my own life is not working for me, then I cant nwork, so its not about the past.

08/07/23