Personally, I’m going through a lot, as open as I have tried to be online about my treatment and recovery, life just isn’t decided for you and instantly works out, what I’m learning is that no matter recovered, with a social life, support, sobriety, IOP, there’s no such thing as perfection.

Sometimes the most painful truths that we have to face in life are the opinions of others about who you are as a person, and for there to be any criticism about your choices in life, including love, or companionship, or how you speak or carry yourself, it causes you to think what are the qualifications for getting by in life without criticism or inquiry into how you are doing. How many times do we have to open up and talk about how we are feeling, before we are allowed to be left alone, are we not allowed time to think and reflect on life, or be tired, this has been something weighing heavy on me for the past few weeks, trying to make transitions in life, and move on in life, as it turns out what’s decided for you, is sometimes not what you in your heart believes is right or should be the conclusion drawn, upon assessment of your life overall as it stands based on what you have done and what work you have put toward improving or proving yourself worthy of working a job and being treated as an adult.

The standards of communication are set to such high standards, not even me a writer, seems to be comforted by interpretations these days, or expectation. You would think that minor issues such as trying to help me in life wouldn’t insult me or hurt my feelings, but it did and took a minute to overcome what it feels like to be told things you don’t want to hear, and what it feels like to be hurting or suffering, and for none of that to matter in the face of what is expected of you, and given your limitations in life or disability, to be misunderstood as something else, or misread as someone who is not trying their best.

I’ve learned that its not easy to talk to people and takes time to be understood and to reach a middle ground in terms of what’s tolerable or considered intolerable, at what point is being open about your limitations or issues, doing you a disservice in life, viewed as excuse, and at what point does insult cause one to live up to a lower standard of interpretation of you, and at what point do you stop trying your best?

What leads one to feel defeated and out of control? At what point in treatment, does it become hurtful to just be and why does that happen? We are so full of insecurities and life experiences and age differences that its impossible to tell where the hurt is coming from sometimes, sometimes it just occurs, and not by our doing or anyone’s doing, and there is nothing that can be done to make that hurt go away. It seems the pressure these days is to be on alert, be vocal or misunderstood as not confident or not having worked hard, and this is the lesson I learned in group therapy and therapy, that I have difficulty talking, difficulty sharing, seldom need advice for big decisions, and usually have my life under control, unless someone tells me otherwise.

What seems to be the problem in receiving care is for part of me to be accepted that in times of trauma or disability I’ve called hotlines, or 911 to picked up by the paramedics and taken to the hospital, its only recently been the case that I’ve been beside myself that not even I could get myself back to a stable place, and that’s never a fun place to be in in life, not knowing how long you will be sick for, or when you will get well again. Overall it was a positive experience to be supported and get to be around people which was a privilege to be in treatment with others, but nothing that I should talk about on my blog wouldn’t be appropriate. When I say times have changed, it means during the course of my blogging career its never been an opportune time to blog, and finding things to talk about that don’t harp on the pains current, or make things worse, is the inherent job of a blogger, to describe the day, to help carry others to the next day, and to process life in a way that’s interesting and relatable.

There will always be curiosity in hearing what others people have to think, so I’m lucky that I’m someone online who others choose to hear from, and that’s a great privilege in life. Right now the conflicts seems to be mental health, recovery time, treatment, court, who I love or who I’m going to date, I assure you that if its about anything future it’s a tough subject since I’m not in a place discussion wise online and by overheard life circumstances where I feel like I’m a safe subject or someone that others can be proud of and at ease with, there is so much insecurity and difficulty in life right now, that matching is the least of my worry, but will always be a concern of mine, whether or not I’m in the dating pool or not, available, able to date, look the part, gain weight, with a job, or without a job, at this point in life, disability does a disservice when its insecurity that puts you down and out in life, its like people can take one look at you, or misjudge your energy or wellness, as out of touch, not hit hard, or having not been through a lot, or having suffered great pains in life and difficulty, but living a hard life is also not something that you talk about, since you can always improve and live a better life, that it does more of a disservice to describe all the phases in your development, if it takes away from your earned ability and privilege to be well now, without being given a hard time. Some people deserve to be well, to work, and move on in life, and I think I’m one of those people.

No one wants to be kept down in life, or threatened in life, or interpreted as someone who is hurtful and to be told that your not allowed to talk to anyone, if its me that’s the problem, I assure you that as someone who doesn’t talk to anyone, and is a writer, its not me who is inappropriate toward others, since I’m a blogger and accepted by 300k viewers who read my work, if it was out of touch and unrelatable or problematic then I would be in fights with people, I would be sued, and I would be dead if I was stuck under any pressure of hate or ridicule, no one can survive attacked. So as a writer its important that I reflect positively on life, and my experiences and move forward and be “grateful” for the good time spent places, and when I’m not feeling well do my best to change my life so that it doesn’t affect anyone and so no one has to be bothered by my circumstances, life stressors, or hardship, that’s the one difficulty that I’m faced with when I’m not treated as a victim, having acquired a deadly disability schizophrenia which I underwent treatment for, and be treated as someone with an active disability that’s affecting others, or something is coming from me, inappropriate to the tastes of others.

Its not my life that’s too heavy or incomprehensible to digest its not allowing me to talk to anyone, and for when things get heavy, such as being Jewish and Israel bombed, and OJ dying, for that to still not explain the quiet, or issues weighing heavy on others, all lives are tough until you affect others who are struggling, and make things about other people, that’s the quickest way to get hurt and to be accused of being hurtful to others, so these are the stopping points, with being open about treatments, and for no struggle to be compared or acquired by anyone else, including the 300k viewers who have been supporting me, and have tolerated my blog thus far.