Book Excerpt, What I’m Working On ….

About Me by Leslie Fischman

Written for Book #1 Thinking Out Loud (also titled Living with Schizophrenia)

Note: New Writing – and the end Old Writing

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When it comes to demonstrating wellness, either you are a person living life demonstrating that you are put together, and serve as an example of someone who was able to overcome difficulty in a respectable way, or you have yet to learn a lesson intended to be taught to you.

I’ve discussed auditory delusion (upon being diagnosed with schizophrenia) but I never imagined that I would be used as an example of some writing and thinking experiment where everything is interpreted to amount to words believed to be about you, including any derogatory terms you don’t use. In what way should we be responsible for the things that we hear. Who wants to be read or misunderstood as someone’s whose writing begins and ends on a issue, not believed to have been stated, or tells something about the author that the author doesn’t recognize to be wrong about themselves, how would you feel measured by a diagnosis, and for the life you had in law school or any success you experienced to be forgotten as though you are not that person anymore, for some leftover expectation of a person who can’t speak well. Who wants to be that person in life, well spoken, until difficulty encountered to prove is someone else or by diagnosis amounts to a person who fits the description of a diagnosis for which there is no cure, who wants to be that in life. Who deserves that.

So as much as it’s a worthwhile journey to pave the way for more acceptances of mental health issues, being given the diagnosis of the most severe, the most complex, the most “stay away from this person” label of all, it’s not inhuman to question my motivations in life and purpose, being punished and taking away my right to function on meds, write and speak well, to observe for challenges in spite of disabilities incapacitating my right to be able to think, pause, reflect, have the time and energy to solve my own problems, and maybe that’s the test. Until you can solve your own problems in life and disprove disability and diagnosis, will you be valued as a human being who is sensitive, who’s feelings get hurt, who is not the disappointment, or uncomfortable subject in the room, ever.

No one’s diagnosis should declare there to be something permanently wrong and defective about a person prescribing them with a defined attribute or capability that is brought out of them, or promote an idea of a person in some disturbing state of mind or appearance that can’t be seen or disruptive to the good sense of others. It shouldn’t matter your age, or personal history known, recorded, or off the record, at what point in life are we diagnosed as capable of being at fault, being inappropriate, wrong, and what should that do to a person or high standing, or once popular, or once confident.

I think by now I am slowly comprehending that the reasons why I don’t talk, have difficulty socially, have less in life, or in the past have sought treatment is becoming something further declared is wrong with me, that I should know of, to create no sympathy for me, without recognizing all the years that I lived well and worked hard. Eventually you are brought down so many times in life, that you wonder what wellness is expected to look like, and when the time comes that you be questioned as to why you are seeking help, not be judged as needing help because you are in court, who wants to be anywhere blind-sighted as someone who is well, who is then believed to not be deserving of being well, have that taken from you on some observable basis that tells you and everyone when you are doing well and when you are not doing well, have that be decided by others. Why make of issue wellness, compared to what others think, allow for there to be a conflict or disagreement as to what is needed to be viewed or observed in order for others to determine that you are well, or up to standard.

This time around I think losing my job goes to show that because there was complication as to how I was doing, and having worked very hard to recover, I didn’t do a perfect job of being a person in recovery with a job or sober and off meds, and it is for those mistakes socially, or in communication, that I am being brought down in life, on more levels than is humanly possible to put into words let alone explain to everyone. Sometimes I wonder in what way, should a life working, be sacrificed to a life observed, dumped, not responded, alone, leaving treatment, having less result in a demonstration of something wrong with me to others, that is a fight I cannot win, that is a determination I cannot fathom, that is an opinion I cannot compete with or explain to others, that is a circumstance difficult to live through, these are public losses I worry that are being used to determine who I am as a person who has lost, who has suffered, who looks bad, who is being told to go to more treatment, who is not recognized as having worked hard on good merits.

Recent Challenges Faced by Diagnosis: Schizophrenia

(Statement from blog 04/29/24) It’s been 7 months since I officially underwent treatment for voices self-harm, and while those symptoms have finally stopped for a long period of time now, now I’m working on who I am in sobriety, do the 12 steps again, and do my best to handle court in private without putting on my permanent record an interpretation of me permanent that will permanently ruin my reputation and subject me to an even harder life professionally, socially and romantically.

One thing at a time, when things get overwhelming, first its important to show that I understand what I’ve done wrong, and be able to share which problems I am not always in control of “symptoms” (voices, self-harm), and which problems or mistakes I am in control of such as who I message, what is talked about, how my messages are interpreted, who has witnessed me in real life, what I’ve said, and what has been interpreted of me seeing me in person.

I feel like court says you don’t belong anywhere, you don’t get to work, you don’t get to live life, you are to suffer, and be punished physically and mentally, in a way that is permanent and so damaging that the damages are irrecoverable, meaning you are not expected to recover, improve, heal, live a positive life, or have any sense of normalcy afforded to you, being who you are, based on what has been said about you in the negative. It seems like every positive appearance I’ve made upon request to appear in court, was spoken to positively by the Judges who heard my case, telling me “no evidence of mental illness,” or “after receiving letters from current treatment that the Judge was ready to dismiss the case and bring me into his diversion program.” For every moment I was strong and had promise for things to get better, I was tested, and for everything I fought for permission to have a companion was tested, punished, and later “no contact” were words used to minimize my experiences in life or troubles, the years it took to overcome disability and submit to treatments, and undermined my ability to do as I’m told, to not do something I’m told not to do, and make my problems seem simple and provide excuse for punishing me as not following orders. Sometimes you won’t know the destination, until you’ve heard the rationale or terms of discontinued care dependent on something in common to something believed to be wrong with you, or something believed to be of issue or the something wrong with you entitling others to suit.

For everything I did wrong, upon submitting to treatment or needing help, it no longer becomes necessary to rely on others to address any instability (I feel like once I am strong enough to help myself, being hospitalized isn’t the solution to communicate I’m giving up, others should give up or have given up, or loss respect to be viewed at a lower level of expectation to seek more treatment, this is how it gets confusing between what disability and problems need to be addressed by more treatment, and which problems “voices, and self-harm” was not properly addressed and observed as treated while among other patients. When I’m told court wants me to go to more treatment, I immediately told my Boss and lost my job, being told a day later, that I was accepted into a different program but that my insurance won’t cover it. So lost my job, with there being no additional treatment facility or placement confirmed yet, and told not to tell my Boss yet, so that was a loss I suffered upon coming to an understanding in a private group conversation that I would be sent away and not able to work in addition to the next level of care recommended, and without a fight listened and lost my job.

What matters less is my job loss, if that’s something I was told to sacrifice for investing additional time in treatment for the rest of my future, that was not an opinion I was equipped to argue with, who observed me for 5 months, and not able to communicate to the Judge that I was working very hard beyond comprehension with my diagnosis, and served as a shining example of someone with voices or who self-harms, that kept herself under control while around others, living with others, in every session, proper and with respect for others in her surroundings. So leaving with a letter of good standing, positive rapport with my previous treatment is the best I can do at this time, until my next court date, to learn how long I will be in court for, and find out if my insurance won’t cover more treatment what I need to do in compliance with the diversion program I was accepted to.

I think job loss signifies being told something, not waiting, losing my job before the next placement was decided, and for that loss to not be recoverable. It may be hard to accept that I had my first paid job and could have worked long term and developed as a professional, and in what way was I punished under the pressure of court and multiple people telling me to wait, and not have conversations with me, and be coordinating without talking to me, and for that wait time to make it difficult to work, cutting back hours, to not be feeling well and for that to be communicated, to then be confronted I’m not well, with a job, seems like I made the right decision, however that job was impossible to get, and that job cannot be replaced with another job.

So that was an amount of time I had to accept, how long until I’m well again, how long until court commitments are abided by, and on a personal level rethink what treatment is for, and how treatment makes me look, with clear awareness that now what’s being questioned is my wellness, upon getting a job, my ability to work a job, while being observed, and how many approvals are required by observation to make any moves or continue on, a public lesson on being told no, for my health to go into decline, how I suffered off day meds, and my inability to convince people who have been around me for 5 months and a Judge, that I’m working hard. It hurts when you think you are doing your best and things are going to work out for you, to suddenly lose everything and for that amount of time spent getting well to not be recognized as having a positive work ethic.

So I’m sure in whatever ways I’m being challenged in life, is to see how I respond to losses, how I explain what it feels like to not have any control over what is said to the Judge, or what is going to happen to me, and for my life to change upon being made to wait, scolded by a Judges orders, accept difficulty and not knowing what’s next, or what is going to happen to me, or be able to tell how long court will last.

I’m becoming more and more aware that I am the only one who can help myself, and it needs to be in my own words, address in what ways I was a good patient, took as prescribed, properly disclosed ailments, and was helped by giving me medical care to address disability at that point in my life, and by that system of needing help, disclosing what’s wrong with me, I was allowed to be helped and treated and improved, where I went wrong as recognized upon instability is something I told myself not to do and did anyways, which was not to complain then the experience itself is lost, and I look bad, so instead of it being recognized how I was helped and who I was as helped, a worse interpretation of me is made as compared to who rescinding care “upon obtaining a job and missing doctor appointments” was a loss I had to accept, being on a medication that took a long time to adjust to, working on the medications prescribed, and embarrassing myself emailing who rescinded care in those moments of instability or being told to go to the hospital, those are experiences in life I lived through and learned the hard way, in what way do I find difficulty in separation no matter how distant, professional, with current awareness of disapproval careful with my words, not have a problem of speaking off center, or fluidly on topic with expected turns, instead of disgruntled nonsense with any lackadaisical intent to communicate something else that makes me look like I assume people should know, or signal to a basis of judgment of me or anyone overall, in need of minimization.

As an inspiration and success online, the goal you learn is to improve to everyone’s benefit, and have to be extremely careful to manage the privacy interests of those who are known, there has been a clear change about my life, that now prevents me from reaching out to anyone, a higher stress. Which tells me I just need to be alone, sometimes social skills show you’re in a good place, and sometimes social skills, make you seem like you think everything is okay if things are not okay. Responding when things are not okay, is literally like stepping one foot in front of the other, you keep going until you stop, you make every effort to inquire, it’s the type of life where taking things personally is something you are commended for like gloves and trash on the street at work, but what is a remaining issue is who I work for, if I have no addressable conflict, and if the conflict being defended against is to make anyone I love suffer or experience discomfort, it would not be working for a race or nationality that brings up or addresses a hard suffered or highlighting a solution of being cool with people or Bosses who represent nationalities in controversy assumed affected, was not what I have done wrong or deserve rescinded care on that basis, I am nowhere in life to communicate to anyone of a place I am in to be who I am, in addition not to allow former communications, amends, support, or loss of support, be used to determine whether to be on board with the broadcasted assumption I should be known for something bad, and prevent the ability for me to be known for anything good I’ve done in life.

There comes a point when you have to live life good enough that you can be around people, and I think court unfairly makes it seem like you are not good enough to be around people, or declares that there is something wrong with you that is your fault, just like schizophrenia is used to call me “inappropriate” and hold me responsible for the voices I hear, and the self-harm or suicide that it caused me, who is to determine that, where is the solution for symptoms, in a diagnosis that does more harm than good. I think to the best of my ability I improve, so there must be some type of way I am or present myself that is characteristic of “schizophrenia” or an inappropriate discomfort, as someone who is a detailed writer such as myself with several successful blogs and websites, I wonder is that character conjured up expected of my own creation or a reaction to known circumstances or problems I should have or know of that labels me any way or makes a diagnosis a proper summation of who I am overall, when talked about, or as seen by others. I think dissatisfaction, hardship, and upset is dealt with the same way I have lost respect in life, by a lack of professionalism post being called schizophrenic, that is used to judge me, how I am after a relationship has ended, professionally, romantically, or socially, and for those upsets to be compared as observed, either seeking a similar result a dysfunction that’s justifies diagnosis, and makes me wrong, look weird, and seem mentally ill, or an ability to function and recover post losses, that should be used to view me as being strong for others, rather than consider me the odd man out, or someone who bears a defect that lets others down, or as a consequence breaks hearts in a way, that’s not heartwarming, to declare me as someone who is cared for against the will of people, or compare my blog to some unwanted participation in life that no one wants to be responsible for, justify instances of being alone or ignored as not me keeping busy and working on myself (proper) but instead be used in the present to justify a diagnosis or condition of rejection being used to mischaracterize me as a person, who has reactions poor, due to living a life, that is in a poor condition, or accuse me of subjecting others to a poor life, or having poor responses, that illustrate that I’m mentally ill in a way that needs to be cared for, instead of allowing me to be a person who is recognized as able to care for themselves and others, at some point disability becomes giving up whether on my own, or upon others giving up on me is a type of disability and hardship that I don’t want to face in life, including by any court so decide for me in life. 

Who I was before “Schizophrenia.”      

You can do your best and your best may not be good enough. By the time you arrive to a better place in life, you’ll wonder what could have been had you stayed well on consistent through and through, nothing really can explain your lost years, but diagnoses and medications. So learn to weather the storms in life. We are all capable of improving, is all a matter of what you set your mind to, you can accomplish. So set your mind on things that matter, and set yourself apart, by being yourself, not worried for what others think.

I think I’m a good example of someone who in spite of differences and hardships faced along the way as a writer, managed to overcome those period of embarrassment, shame, and humility, and not make that my story, a chapter to recreate in my life, or a story to relive over and over again, eventually you learn from the mistakes of self-publishing, you won’t know how special you are until you publish a book, its not anything that anyone can make happen for you in life, everything takes time, hard earned effort, and honesty.

You can either make a story about yourself, or make your story about others, whatever the circumstances may be make your story important and one that is worth the read. Otherwise spare yourself the energy of investigation, of who’s who or what what is about, be about yourself and doors will open for you, the less intimidated you are along the way for sharing who you are, and the parts of your story that you can remember if its not been too long, since you’ve thought about life, or had a chance to reflect and remember.

Nothing is certain without concrete examples of who you are and who you were, but nothing will be as important as how you sound now, that’s what really reflects character, and shows that you’re an honest person and mean well. All the details will matter less in the long run. Is it that you remember life thoughtfully, or is it you that’s forgotten and not thought of thoughtfully. Whatever the case may be, do as your told, follow directions, report anything that you’re not sure of, ask good questions, and learn life as you go just like everyone else. You don’t need a plan to have life happen for you, you simply need to continue learning and not  make mistakes or break you or destroy respects for you.

Acknowledgment

Please Note: Old Writing, not New Writing.

In good times and in difficult or trying times, I am always thankful for my audience and support or following online. Although it’s not been a perfect writing career, I appreciate everyone’s patience of my disability since called “schizophrenia” after writing this book and blogging, with acceptance for my feelings having been hurt and the difficult challenge moving forward as criticized, shouted at, condemned, or humiliated online, and never give up in the face of being subjected to bullying (proven or not) and continue to accept my suffering due to “voices” as symptom of the diagnosis of “schizophrenia” (and do my best to move forward without complaining about what hurts me, and not allow myself to get hurt, based on what’s wrong with me, or let any diagnosis destroy me or change opinion of me to negative, or change my ability to write in the positive or manage my symptoms as life continues, it was never my dream to give up and self-harm makes less and less sense the more you don’t allow your story to dictate what other think and don’t enable anyone to experiment with your condition.

Privacy matters less the more and more public you become, so accepting the comforts of being alone or given time to recover and just handle life as it occurs, is doing my best, to be the last one to affect anyone or burden anyone with difficulty reading, channeling, becoming who they are, or wonder about what my shoes feel like in life. Chances are if I’m not living life to the best of my ability, photos and social media begin to matter less, and ultimately you are judged for the moments you are struggling, no confident, and let your life be ruined by decisions and choices, as though writing or sickness is a choice or a decision that you’ve made for yourself to deviate from who you were when you were happy, let no unhappiness anger displeasure or upset directed toward you in life convince you that this is a bad life that’s the challenge to most to be unaffected. A disease with no cure is a mental challenge to accept what you can’t change and although it hurts to accept and to share about, sometimes accepting life as hurt or bullied, is one step closer to preventing a condition from worsening or spreading to others so justify a continued mistreatment of you. I now recognize that no matter where I’ve been and no matter what I’ve said, what matters now is how I feel, how others are made to feel, and distinguish between what is considered my fault, and to accept the discomfort of ridicule and demoralization, that was certainly never planned, but you don’t get to choose which life you lead or what you deserve in life, and you just have to keep living whether life gets more difficult or confusing and focus on yourself and continue to have a keen awareness for what others think, that’s a given as a writer.

Never forget who matters to you and knew you before schizophrenia, never forget who was hurt when disabled and forced to undergo painful treatments and improvements that didn’t last, and continue to take responsibility for how you feel and how others feel even if it’s not your job, no one can afford to give up in life, and if that’s the one circumstance that teaches you of what’s a team or not, it will be based on your life as a human being, whether your success or failures are being judged as transferable issues or mental health related beliefs that should justify continued sickness suffered by you or continue negative judgment of your ability to help others.

Simply tell the truth, and for everything else wrong with you misunderstood or failure discerned or later coming to be, see that as a reflection of losing your battle with voices bullying and a disease with no cure, that is a reality that no one can accept or be happy for and support, so remember when you were supported, and likewise in defeat, continue to not forget who you were before you were ever subjected to a worse life, its no reason to end your life, success or failure doesn’t determine how you should live and neither should people determine what your day to day functioning is about or allow anyone to be given control as to your well being and ability to survive.

Sometimes its everyone’s business to care, and sometimes you’re better off not being so open, and hurt maybe less. Nothings perfect and no pain is easy to address, not your own, not the feelings of others, and no matter what statements you have made, if you opened your life up to others, and ignored because you are open and in public online, to accept the losses of not being acknowledged in life, and continue to accept rejections and lawsuits as a manifestation of opinions being generated about you not to your knowledge and nothing that can be prevented or defended, sometimes mental health means that you lose in life, and never get to live a normal life, sometimes the opinions of others take place of your own, forever misunderstood.

So pray for forgiveness and if things get worse, don’t allow the hurt to get the best of you or change you everyone is worth so much more than bullying is never justified. So let this be a lesson on trending and being ignored, its short lived appreciation and value that is never realized based on how you’ve failed in life, no JD and “schizophrenia” so while your life is summed up to hurtful words that cant be taken back, don’t be one to sound defensive or complain about who’s hurt you and just improve, sometimes its when you’re hurt requires you to forgive and that’s a hard lesson and a difficulty pain or disability that cannot be undone, so that’s the lesson in being shamed, not believed, and viewed in the negative, loss of respect, disbelief, comparison, disempowerment, and living life as though you never existed and continuing to exist even though your existence is questioned as beneficial or helpful.