It’s been 7 months since I officially underwent treatment for voices self-harm, and while those symptoms have finally stopped for a long period of time now, now I’m working on who I am in sobriety, do the 12 steps again, and do my best to handle court in private without putting on my permanent record an interpretation of me permanent that will permanently ruin my reputation and subject me to an even harder life professionally, socially and romantically. One thing at a time, when things get overwhelming, first its important to show that I understand what I’ve done wrong, and be able to share which problems I am not always in control of “symptoms” (voices, self-harm), and which problems or mistakes I am in control of such as who I message, what is talked about, how my messages are interpreted, who has witnessed me in real life, what I’ve said, and what has been interpreted of me seeing me in person. I feel like court says you don’t belong anywhere, you don’t get to work, you don’t get to live life, you are to suffer, and be punished physically and mentally, in a way that is permanent and so damaging that the damages are irrecoverable, meaning you are not expected to recover, improve, heal, live a positive life, or have any sense of normalcy afforded to you, being who you are, based on what has been said about you in the negative. There comes a point when you have to live life good enough that you can be around people, and I think court unfairly makes it seem like you are not good enough to be around people, or declares that there is something wrong with you that is your fault, just like schizophrenia is used to call me “inappropriate” and hold me responsible for the voices I hear, and the self-harm or suicide that it caused me, who is to determine that, where is the solution for symptoms, in a diagnosis that does more harm than good. I think to the best of my ability I improve, so there must be some type of way I am or present myself that is characteristic of “schizophrenia” or an inappropriate discomfort, as someone who is a detailed writer such as myself with several successful blogs and websites, I wonder is that character conjured up expected of my own creation or a reaction to known circumstances or problems I should have or know of that labels me any way or makes a diagnosis a proper summation of who I am overall, when talked about, or as seen by others. I think dissatisfaction, hardship, and upset is dealt with the same way I have lost respect in life, by a lack of professionalism post being called schizophrenic, that is used to judge me, how I am after a relationship has ended, professionally, romantically, or socially, and for those upsets to be compared as observed, either seeking a similar result a dysfunction that’s justifies diagnosis, and makes me wrong, look weird, and seem mentally ill, or an ability to function and recover post losses, that should be used to view me as being strong for others, rather than consider me the odd man out, or someone who bears a defect that lets others down, or as a consequence breaks hearts in a way, that’s not heartwarming, to declare me as someone who is cared for against the will of people, or compare my blog to some unwanted participation in life that no one wants to be responsible for, justify instances of being alone or ignored as not me keeping busy and working on myself (proper) but instead be used in the present to justify a diagnosis or condition of rejection being used to mischaracterize me as a person, who has reactions poor, due to living a life, that is in a poor condition, or accuse me of subjecting others to a poor life, or having poor responses, that illustrate that Im mentally ill in a way that needs to be cared for, instead of allowing me to be a person who is recognized as able to care for themselves and others, at some point disability becomes giving up whether on my own, or upon others giving up on me is a type of disability and hardship that I don’t want to face in life, including by any court so decide for me in life.