After enough tries in life to be well and stay well, eventually you become exhausted for solution and begin to rethink in what ways you’ve improved or take the time to consider in what way you are still struggling in life.

Sometimes theres a lesson, and it may not be intended for you to learn, and could just be another way of making you look stupid or calling you out on issues, to minimize your mental health or what its about.

I don’t think I have ever made light of health, wellness, being loving, modeling, blogging, being loved, having good luck sought after by companions new or past, considered those things to look forward to in life, and in difficult times, things to improve upon conversationally, it’s a tough world, they always says it is, but you won’t know the reasons why staying sick or getting sick, I have a feeling that’s the game in life, for determining your humanity. Judged as whether repaired against the odds doing what you’ve been told learning from your mistakes, making sacrifices, struggling, these are ways in which we used to value ourselves and have a sense of pride in our well moments, have things in life to look forward to.

In the end no matter how successful or popular or well paid I become as a paralegal, or sober, that will not be good enough for a Judge in communications with those taking care of me over a 7 month period, so after seeking help, excuse me if I wonder what life is about again, socially or romantically, and let me fathom the many ways you can be misinterpreted just focusing on my own life, failure, and life and death in general, I think I have experienced enough losses, to be well at this moment in time for good purpose, not wellness to be offended by as though Im unscathed or have yet to be hurt or damaged, and maybe that was the final lesson in wellness, to be punished by a Judge, for no one to consult me on what Im going through or whats bothering me, and to have reached some unconfirmed belief that more treatment will fix whats wrong with me, I think if whats wrong with me, is a lack of confidence in me or to view me struggling or wanting to rest and leave treatment is not me facing some unrecognizable difficulty with an easier life that could be made harder, I think my life has been made harder, and has changed accordingly to match that question of faith, and solution, discounting my work up until this point, and if its necessary prove all over again that Im smart and to accept the insulted hurled my way by voices, or by not trusting me, I think I gave everyone equal opportunity to be of service learn about me and help others, but I think its become unnecessary for me to work, blog, publish a book, work, or date, if it’s the unsettling that needs discussion to address no one is immune from controversy then in words over and over again demonstrate how I dealt with controversy without affecting others, and how Ive managed to create a meaningful life in spite of punishment.

As far as Im concerned #dearJudge my medical records are no one’s business, no one needs to read my medical records to consider what to do with me in life, or be used for any legal purposes, if you think there is something wrong with me, then you’ve made it clear now on this second occasion to not talk to anyone, no psychotherapy, no AA, no socialization, no dating, and no job until I figure out in what way should I get sick, focus on what Im doing right in life whats helped me “writing” and continue to challenge in what ways am I being disabled and made to struggle off meds, question my disability or intelligence, there are many ways you can prove me wrong, or stupid, or any term you think is funny, but you will never know me well enough to figure anything out about schizophrenia, hurting me is not the solution for curing schizophrenia.

I’m tired of being given a hard a time like I’ve done something wrong, and if I have to earn my place in life over the next ten years then will dedicate the next ten years to being successful and allow me to create a happy ending or moment of pride and achievement on my own without the court’s help and continued private discussions about me while not worrying if Im hurt or get sick or go through a lot, managing tough news, and reorganizing my life, excuse me for the number of years Ive worked professionally, to suddenly be teamed up by licensed professionals, accuse my way of living life as wrong, or not necessary for survival and to the betterment of society as a whole.

#dearJudge

Based on this being the first day back on meds, running 3 driving errands, not making it to an AA meeting, requested to come home, this day was unsuccessful based on opening up, being challenged by the topics affecting me, not doing well off meds, and then not feeling well on meds, and to be called names for addressing what I’ve done to help to others, never making a big deal of any phase Ive gone through in life alone, and if that’s the necessary course in life, then will live the rest of my life alone, until its figured out who has a hard life and why are you blaming me for it?