After several mistakes and use of the caps lock, or say the F word I officially look stupid and mentally ill, experiencing lost ability or dysfunction writing. For whatever that means, to be having difficulty communicating. After two months of trying to return to blogging, a few deletions, attending AA, then by zoom, the stopped attending, notified others when I went back on Vyvanse taking less 10mg, able to function off meds, I clearly did not have addiction issues, or struggling to stay put together off meds, and Im sure my honesty and room for improvement, was misunderstood on any level my honesty to my Boss as soon as I was told, the number of interviews and costs per program, my insurance not covering, and stuck with bills, I think telling my Boss things are not working out for me going to be sent away, was the right thing to do when things are too much for me, and told to wait, and for there to be no reason to talk to me, appreciative that my family was helped, again instead of living life, and respect the privacy of who I met and accepted me as different and tired or isolating as I was, at least I got to have friends once again in life. Im sorry that describing a difficulty I faced talking to someone I don’t talk to haven’t talked to in 5 months, haven’t talked to any house managers, turned into not being accepting of that hurdle to be help, or with appreciation for how she handled me, instead of recognizing the value of being helped, focus on rejections or when people are like no, don’t contact us, cant help you, accuse me of lying argue with me or drop care, is nothing that I can explain by getting sick or explaining that when Im sick or disabled or if I go to treatment will be hurt. Instead of being okay with who decided to contact me, instead you made things about seeing him as well, not offended or scared by his anger or gun pointed at me or death threats, view me as strong handling his upsets at peace with me, and Im sorry if getting sick or suffering is some way to test to see if I look or sound offensive not caring if he turns on me. I think the moment you kept watching a conversation like he represents the people, convinced Im making a big deal out of something I handled privately struggled and tried to be helped, has instead turned into what do I sound like when Im sick, accusing me of giving up, or letting anyone down including voices or anyone through blogging. Im sure that based on the one night a lot of money was taken someone else drove my car, and sat on my bed, and didn’t have sex with him, you accused me of being mean or offensive not nice or compassionate helpful to anyone who was hanging out with me. Instead you decided to use my stories to accuse me of being offensive, see their experiences and view me as mean toward put me jail or make fun of what I sound like struggling, or speaking wrong and my life not getting better, just occurred. I think for years Ive suffered on meds, I don’t think dating was anything I was able to do, or not working hard to be well to have a future, instead all my experiences and breakups were misunderstood to accuse me of being this person that gets sick or overreacts make fun of me, is how my relationships didn’t work out, because I said its taking many years to date again, still not well, appreciative, using voices or Todd, to accuse me of loving two people or cheating or putting myself in harms way, understand that I texted weird after a year and many breaks and punished, view me as offensive or shouldn’t date. I think everyone has made it clear based on being 38 and keep sending me to the hospital, that my honesty was not valued or recognized for being loving a good girlfriend, instead of me fixing myself in private, repairing my life, things didn’t work out for me and I looked bad. I have never dated disabled or schizophrenic, or awake and in some place random experimental mentally, so I think time away to travel, was a good experience, I think making fun of me for not knowing how to help, doesn’t accept how lively and fun I am daring, and instead using a special experience, to accuse me of being sick, shouldn’t appear. Please don’t accuse me of addiction or failure I was not punished for sent to rehab when in law school or worry too much about not able to learn and do law school upon returning, and forget when I worked and went to law school, or when I got TMS, and how much mental health disabled me, make fun of ringtones, or honesty, or not being visited spending less time with a boyfriend. I think life is the same for everyone you should stay well, and Im sorry if working hard, or facing disability treatment, seemed like a joke about something Ive done wrong. Everyone has been through a lot I never compared boyfriends, all love is a leap of faith, something you shouldn’t be expected to be ready for or have experience with being liked, doesn’t make me desperate or inappropriate, its not until Im accused of being less than, and insulted to my face, that makes giving up in life the right decision, if those were things that inspired me, if those were the only moments my life was at peace to reconnect, Im sure being in a worse place in life physically and mentally is so that I can’t date and accuse me of being mentally ill or type casting looking for a type on bumble, or accuse me of not being pretty with real photos, embarrass me for being rejected or why. Everyone’s trying to be well, Im sure staying well is somewhere along the lines of not being called offensive or inappropriate, and to get sick repeatedly on twitter, in spite of buying a certificate, and enabling a word count, give me a hard time of having difficulty writing. It’s too late to be helped, if describing my feelings hurt if true wasn’t something I corrected anyone on, had to fix appearing that way, find a middle ground for talking, sometimes struggling given rules and finding solution, isn’t about if you are helped, or when you overcame voices, or who you loved, or what you looked like. I was unstable for two months, did everything I could to improve, even let in an old pen pal, that I continue to be given voices accused of not being hurt or complaining or make fun of help given, in  all the ways I ever knew names or looked up a name, or who didn’t help me, or what was considered my fault, photos period or taking me off meds and forcing me to model on Trazedone, is viewing my blogs, seeing which popstars are representing what ideas in life, then try to connect their ideas to anything about me, life isn’t about my commentary positive and hurt me with my description of Todd, or misunderstand his anger as having anything to do, with Taylor Swift, or her music, or me randomly singing on volcoo, if I interpreted him as loving, and you used this whole who I am, singing, accuse me of not being inspirational, or not being fair in my representation handling of being hurt by a website, then that’s clearly a struggle I suffered from my fault, instead of viewing the value in acceptance for how I was humiliated, you went ahead and used Taylor Swift and focused on him being well and sounding smart liking him, and I keep getting sick not accepted, so who saw what and whats the secret code that everyones going by insistent on rehashing traumatize me and punish me for who is talking to me or points a gun at me, consider to be my fault, a block solution.