When I initially started blogging, it was all about fitness, running everyday, taking nice selfies, and doing my best to write articles. I was so positive, I even applied for awards and put up project descriptions and campaign goals of my own related to my blogging. Boy do things change upon getting sick, or being brought to court, it’s almost as though if anyone makes you look bad, it somehow entitles people to hate you, be hard on you, give you a hard time, or judge you based on your look and disposition or posture.

I never knew that what I looked like mattered, until being punished, and being poor, and struggling, in a cheap car. I’ve done my best to improve and fix my life, and be given privileges again, to be given money and a new car. But not everything is perfect. Based on recent discussions, saying a word through me only creates more voices, and more entitled anger toward me, and it’s not worth the risk to be online, and risk entitling anyone to hurt me or judge me when Im at my best and just had a paid job as a paralegal.

There is no reason why I should get voices, for simply going back on meds, or drinking 3 times, those may be my choices, but once your standards become other people’s standards for judging you, respect can be lost in so many ways, using sobriety, work experience, resume, dating history, medical records, like, fitness schedule, stats, Instagram, it’s like it’s never enough for anyone to decide your value.

There is so much expectation for friendliness and smiling and gentle encouragement, but that’s not life with voices, it’s painful, and puts me at risk now for self-harm, suicide, relapse, and a new condition shouting or using the F word argumentative with voices that don’t exist which only further delays my recovery and feeling good again, and I simply can’t afford to address voices which don’t exist, or take chances or making something only known to me, known to many people, and get sick if people think Im something that Im not, that I don’t deserve.

The problem with being so open, is that everyone is looking at your work and judging you, and doesn’t respect your value and hard work. It’s not fair to be best friend’s with Sydney Simpson, and to write books, and two websites, and for anyone to suddenly decide to change my story publicize symptoms or words, that’s not who I am talking, that’s not my tone, that’s not my personality, that’s not my face, I don’t have anger, I work hard and I’m driven, I simply don’t deserve to lose my head, run the risk of stroke or heart attack, over hurtful terms, discuss anything about me openly, isn’t worth it.

People can help themselves, normalizing things that are relatable, and it’s simply not worth it to me to suffer based on any records of anything kept or deleted, that’s blowing out of proportion a few incidences of bullying in public, like 5 experiences, and deciding to change my life to voices or accuse me of asking for it, like how I look makes people angry or push my around, that’s not fair either.

People are responsible for their own anger, that’s their experience of life, not caused by me, Im the most giving loving and non judgmental person, and brave used to run at night, not anyone who deserves to run negative rumors about me to hit me over the head with more made up truths like fame or celebrity’s knowing me, that’s a stretch, to treat me like everyone knows me, and be critical of how I look or dress in public or online, these are problems that I don’t need to be judged for.

I’m a real human being, Im educated, I have an excellent Facebook and amazing connections and friends, in no way shape or form do I deserve to be limited by symptoms which has been treated for years in and out of the hospital, and not something I want to talk about and get sick again, I can’t afford disability. I just want to move forward in life. It’s only now, that upon getting sick or having a new medical conditional, that things have changed including my content, from quotes, articles, and life advice, to discussion of bullying voices, or how it feels to suffer and have no way to simply go back to normal.

It’s incredibly defeating to lose any battle in life, or be forced to self-harm or change how you look as though anyone gets the pleasure out of hurting you until something happens to you, and honestly being alive is not worth the satisfaction of anyone watching me who doesn’t care if I succeed or overcome mental health issues. It’s better to let people focus on themselves and get well, instead of pushing people to open up or talk about anything that they have not thought through or in a place to figure out in public what’s wrong, or going wrong for them personally. Instead of being treated like I need help, I would prefer to not have to discuss bullying or voices in the future.