I had a talk once with my house manager (at sober living) about overcoming any disability I’ve been told I have, to not allow for some diagnosis to be used as an excuse for what your struggling with. On topic of sobriety, I was told that if there is some kind of pain or difficulty that I’m faced with, can sometimes signal that a change needs to be made, and that it’s up to me to figure out what changes need to be made, whether in a program, in court, out of treatment, or at home, not to forget advice I was given.

I don’t think it hit me, what instability I was suffering from until I started blogging again, and that unnerving sense of instability I felt, as the pressure loomed over what court is about and how I should disclose or describe on what terms or by what actions I’m being punished for, it seemed hurtful after all is said and done 3-4 years later, after meeting someone, to have to describe what went wrong, compared to what I have been through in the past 3-4 years while undergoing treatment for schizophrenia. It was sad that after all the med changes and treatment I underwent, to suddenly lose support based on a lawsuit, no matter what kinds of reassurances I was given or services paid for, to be represented or be treated. It’s only now, recently, that that initial instability writing again, quickly took a turn for the worse, no matter what errors I made, seemingly couldn’t prevent that mistake from being repeated and getting worse and worse in words as a representation of me that can’t be explained by any voices period (that don’t exist) cannot be proven, and only make me look mentally ill, in making any admission to having anything remotely sounding like an “auditory delusion,” is not a fun place to be left in with 6 months sober as of Monday, wasn’t worth losing my sobriety date over, or drinking 3 times, for no reason, or let any condition cause me to drink as a solution. This is a problem that only I can fix, it’s my experience, it’s what I went through, it’s what I overcame “self-harm,” and just like cursing is the opposite of who I am and how I appear online and in pictures, not allow anyone else’s anger toward me or upsets, injure me, affect me, worsen my heart condition, or give me a heart attack. It therefore wasn’t worth continuing to write on X and on WordPress, while disclosing what mistakes Ive made or what I’m struggling with, whatever it was, I almost had a heart attack, I can’t afford to worsen my condition to mean surgery. So taking break was all that I needed, and it’s hard to describe this rush or emergency that is felt upon returning to blogging or taking a writing break, that you can’t seem to explain enough or say enough words online to earn those chances to be treated and recover at your own pace. I’m sorry that I relapsed, I’m sorry that I’m in court and still have to talk about it, no matter how embarrassing it’s been and no matter how much I’ve lost, personally, professionally, or romantically, just like sobriety and starting over, is as painful as how it’s been to stop everything and be made to focus on my mental health again, is clear of how much you can lose in instability as a writer, how much you can’t seem to overcome a past response to voices in form of self-harm, that can’t be proven, or be solved by not knowing how to stop voices, or what type of response instead of self-harm, is possible to get voices to stop. This will require more than writing or keeping busy, no one is ever strong enough in life, to stay well, if they’re hurt, start over, rock bottom up, try to get a job again, starting over and beginning again, is not always a choice to lose everything. I think I’m doing my best. Sometimes the worst way you can appear is speaking to exactly that, voices only you can hear, that you can either take and move on, or discuss, and watch your condition get worse and cause you a heart attack, I don’t think I ever expected that being honesty, or struggling, that I could get hurt in a physical way, by anything called “delusion” called voices. So that’s the new lesson.

I would prefer to write, without having to continue to disclose issues as they come, and be sent further back into a worse state than I was after having left treatment, sometimes losing your bottle is the difference between working again, and finishing up court, to an absolute nightmare in words and symptoms, that is just as humiliating to experience as it is to talk about. Who can understand that, watching you write articles, share a personal update, to not being able to triage a personal crisis in time, to be hurt in a way that your health gets worse, by simply trying and doing your best. It’s not fun to be a writer, and write in a way that anyone interprets as not making sense, or confusing, or inaccurate. I think being a blogger means that people read and follow-up because they can relate. I’m just glad I have a blog, I can’t afford to work hard and stay up late to improve my X account writing, and can’t afford to get sick, or respond to any comment insulting and not worth the loss in followers, or gain in followers, and loss of followers, in any negativity, made worse. As long as this is my life, I don’t need to worry about social media follower accounts, as an accurate measure to make or break who I am, how I feel, or be critical of myself and the quality of my posts. I know I’m of value, and where to put my energy and focus, into things that are doing well, and write in places I am represented well, and can’t afford to curse or talk about any bullying period, and suffer a heart condition so “severe” that I need heart surgery, some things you deserve to move forward on. There is only so much discomfort, instability, challenge, and suffering, that you have to start thinking of yourself, and work hard to stay feeling good, no matter what it takes. The longer you allow yourself to get hurt or suffer by any comment, isn’t worth getting hurt, and their loss. All you have to do, is stay well, and keep going, and write in the positive, it’s not worth the freewrite, embarrassment, and humiliation to not sound like yourself, no comment is worth changing for. The only person you need to prove yourself to is yourself, and let whatever meaning anyone finds in knowing you to be up to them. I need to change my life, not waste time trying to change anyone, isn’t worth having a heart attack, all I have to do is stay well, not write or apologize for any mental issue or condition “voices” or self-harm, addiction or alcoholism, it’s my life and my pride, and need to put myself worse, and survive any moment I’m questioned not get worse and improve.