You are allowed two lives, your private life, and your public life. Your private life includes, medical care, family, education, relationships, and conversations (or in my case “voices”). Your public life is who you are on social media, websites, and by what you write about yourself online. You get to choose how you want to look, and you also get to choose whats best for you based on how you are feeling. We all have different instincts about things, some of us are planners, some of us are spiritual, some of us are into being a human being and curious about science, some of us are protective, and mostly some us need to be alone to rest and recharge. These are a few examples, of things about you, you get to protect and don’t have to disclose, let a job or academic institutions be the judge of your worth and what’s good enough about you. Even if it’s hard to prove in a world of people competing against eachother online, trying to be the best at something they’re good at. We all can’t achieve success online, and I am no stranger to no likes and no follows, and had to learn how to write to get likes and follows, which took a lot of experience. I think how you sound also affects how others feel about you, its the sense you make of your own life staying level headed, is the sense that is picked up from your writing, while being judged for how you sound. It goes back and forth at the same token, the point is to create a space in which I am not judged, if bullied talk about it, and also not to get sick again, by any mention of symptoms or goal setting, eventually its hard to do it all, be online, and make progress in my own life. So as helpful as I want to be, I also have to listen to my body and give myself time to heal and recover from what’s hurting me, we don’t always know how we are being hurt or what’s hurting us, and sometimes that’s something we don’t need to know about life.

Stamina is what keeps you going in life. It’s stuff you do and say that lifts you to that next moment to being, whether it’s getting to the next hour, or getting to the next day in one piece. We all experience life differently, either keeping busy and avoiding mental health issues all together, or suffering in silence and when alone, symptoms non-existing upon interaction with people in the real world. The best way to view life, is to see people as human, and to see people as nice people, once you get into hurt and anger, that’s a cycle of violence in which one another takes out their feelings out on others. This can occur, when either side, is made to not feel good, or holding people responsible for how you are feeling. I see that being a big issue as a popular blogger, that its important for me to stay well, and how frustrating it is to have a bad day or have to waste time discussing symptoms and retraumatize myself. The solution to voices is to live a life you are proud of, and speak in a way that you cannot be harmed by anyone, privately or publicly that is your power as a human being.

I noticed that after treatment, I had a lot of instability, still had hurdles to overcome, doesn’t mean to stop working on yourself, with more standards to improve upon. This is the lesson on not being ready to be close with someone who is asking for an intimate relationships, an ex-pen pal, who humiliated me and is the reason I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and suffered for years unable to work or go running, stuck in bed, and I didn’t deserve to go through that. Sometimes the best way to respond to anyone who wants something from you you are not comfortable with, is to also not expose yourself online, take writing breaks, and when its time to block someone who doesn’t respect your health, is impatient, or demands you to talk or open up, doesn’t allow me to go through therapy and handle problems in private, is to my disadvantage to be insulted by someone who wants to know whats going on for me mentally then insults who I am as a human being. Some people don’t know when to stop, until your relapsing drinking, overdosing, and suicidal. Is something I had to talk about with my psychiatrist today to adjust my meds in the daytime. Mental health is nothing you take personally, I think for the first time I shared in some posts what it felt like to be hurt and how I felt needing to be alone, it’s not my job to be uncomfortable or make anyone else uncomfortable or feel less able. It’s to show that even if I graduate and get hurt, even if you work paid as a paralegal and get hurt, it’s your job to get well anyways, no matter whether this person stops hurting me, loves me, supports me, keeps in touch, or doesn’t get me accuses me of being sick. The only thing fucked up about being hurt by someone who destroyed me mentally, is being nice to who hurt me, for a condition caused that’s unforgiveable. I think this time around I am going to get well, blog as best as I can, not quit give up on things that makes me feel good, like going to AA everyday for 90 days new commitment, staying sober, talk in therapy or to my psychiatrist and learn how to handle discomforts or voices in private, it does no good to be humiliated in public over any symptoms that make me sound stupid, or causes anyone to judge me as mentally ill. Isnt why Im a successful blogger online, it’s because Im smart and I help people. And if I can keep going and my solutions to mental illness are working for me, that’s one less person who has to suffer sick alone.