It’s been years since I’ve been social, so maybe it’s that Ive been in isolation much longer, as a result of the medications that Ive been put on. I wouldn’t call visiting a neighborhood bar raging, or with the intent to rage or get messed up or do drugs, I think it’s been awhile since Ive been social, so I forget what being out at night is like, I jokingly referred to my night out as being kidnapped, I was joking of course, I was at a bar Ive been to less than 5 times, familiar with someone who works there knows me, so Ive not talked to anyone since Ive been there, but was approached, by someone who has been shot 5 times, and showed me his wounds, so being who I am took pictures, thought it would be something important to share with the police who I text, nothing that I would publish online, or a person that I would be ashamed to have kicked it with, I think it was my choice to relapse and could have said no. At my age given my disability, I didn’t make it until 3am, and stayed in the car the majority of the night, while he went clubbing and stopped in to visit with friends, so that’s a night out with someone you just met, the night goes on, and you get more and more tired, and at age 38, not much happens, but then you get driven home, so that’s going out alone, and ending up leaving a bar with someone who takes you all over town and to meet his dogs and his friends, which was a good experience to just be out with people of my age group and see what the rest of life is like, I referred to them as #BLM, only because he was African American, so Im sure being who I am stalked by iphone and everyone recording everything, seemed to be a highlight as of recently in my google photos. Ive been less inclined to keep things as of recently on the basis of getting sick, and not knowing why, I think Ive been too open, doing well, and just recently not doing well and off speaking, its been awhile since Ive been social. But Im doing my best. When you reflect on life, that’s being at peace, and Im assuming that if Im famous, and if anyone is made to reflect, it would be either recognizing me or noticing me, and thinking to themselves, Im, not someone to be in a room, who doesn’t belong, so I guess that’s what was misunderstood about me, whether I stand out in a room full of people, not sure of my pictures, or my blog status, what is famous. I am someone who grew up social and popular, always hosting functions at my house, so to be around people, is second nature and not something that makes me uncomfortable. Being home alone is difficult, not being social is difficult, so I think with recent social events and outtings, its unusual given that Im mostly home writing and working on my mental health, so that was something new about me recently, and fortunately have had all good experiences so far being social. You would think that being known, would give another an advantage over you perspective wise, but I don’t think it does, based on my interactions, seems like either I can carry on a conversation and be reassuring, or there is no judgment on the other end, so that was refreshing to experience, that the pressures on me like it is today, which explains why being social didn’t last more than a week, and suddenly got sick, and lost faith in myself, or what life I was viewed to be entering, not respecting what life I am in now. It is your life as it is, either you can be social, or like now, not well enough to be social, so that’s how you go from being available to be around people, to needing to be alone, and needing to rest and not available to be around people. Also with dating, I forgot how quickly conversations go from talking to people liking you, so that’s not something I was prepared for or expecting, so that hurts when you have been working on a relationship for a year, you can’t afford to hook up with anyone else, and that ends up hurting you, so that was unnecessary to be hurt in that way. I guess with a great blog, I am capable of writing a great book, I think applying to Shorty Awards made me seem like Ive not been through something difficult and back or have a big head like I think I have what it takes and have done the work, and be questioned as whether my work that’s been produced is as full and comprehensive as what my prospectus states, I guess the difference between winning an award and being recognized, has to do with your ability to follow through with what you have described your work to have accomplished for yourself and for your readers, while following you. I would think that others would improve alongside you, its now becoming clear, that the more hardships you face, the less you have in common with others, the less you are needed, and the more you are misunderstood, so that’s a painful fact about life to accept, that having done your best, to the suffer as a result of anyone thinking that you think you are bigger or more successful than you are. Ultimately what hurts are the opportunities and ability to carry on relationships and friendships in life, which get affected the harder your life becomes, the less possible those things are for you in life, and that’s very painful to accept about life, why I would be able to blog, but then can’t socialize in real life, or why Im able to write online, but that would have difficulty talking and keeping in touch with friends, or for my life to be made more difficult that it would be hard to reach out to friends, should my health fail, or go through something difficult that would be hard to explain to the, or talk about with others, about life.

Written: 09/27/23.