I’m so guilty of getting older and not dating it’s sickening. I would have never thought I would be single and alone and at this age in life (age 38) when you either make it or don’t. So much pressure, to put your life together at the last minute. I’ve had options to date in the past in my 30s and did my best to explore online dating apps, and there were a few hits and misses, but mostly what I learned is to be in a good place in life where you can date. So that moment has yet to come. You would think a new paralegal job, newly recovered, sober, would amount to something good happening for me, but you can’t expect the world to happen for you, all you can do is handle what’s given to you in life to handle on that day, and the more you can handle in life, well the more able you will be to be there for others, whether romantically or platonically, support people along their journeys in life.

I recently made amends with someone who used to bully me, who promised me that he would never hurt me again, also the same person who worries me and gets upset if I block him, but nobody is perfect, given how intense and heightened the issues became, the more it became about me being the bigger person, and accepting this person’s apology, submit my complaints, do my best to have my concerns addressed, and then do my best to move on in life. Better to not have any enemies in life, that’s the main goal. And maybe I have suffered as a result of having lesser companionships in life, so be it, I never asked for the world, just a reply, and I guess that’s what I got stuck with in life, managing the chaos existing between me and somebody who wants me in their life, is too old to date me, not someone I know in real life, or have met, and just do my best to be a human being about things, and learn something in the process without getting hurt or looking bad. So far he’s been a good sport about my FBI complaints, and visiting the police station, he doesn’t seem to be phased by my ups and downs. It only matters that these delusions and fears are put into words and reported, so that it’s not the case that this is happening to me or anyone. I would hope to spare another woman, the hardship of this person’s wrath, it always seems to be me, who puts up with it and looks and sounds crazy when I talk about it or complain about it. Something along the lines of it “being your fault” that typical victim blaming mentality, that if a woman is assaulted, or harassed that it’s her fault she must have said or done something to deserve that attitude toward her. But I can say that I’m a great person, who takes good care of herself, tries hard, works hard, makes an honest living paralegal or blogger, and makes a great companion in life and friend. So maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about writing and pouring my heart out and not getting any comments, maybe should have skipped messenger. But so be it. I got to write to the top and I’m glad, that I practiced introducing myself and being who I am, getting jobs, and writing about life.

So far right now, I’m not so interested in dating on Bumble, only because I gained weight in treatment, and don’t feel comfortable in a casual “sex based” relationship. In addition, I was just forced to end a 3-4 year long companionship and conversation with someone who I admired and grew to love deeply, Todd Spitzer, and miss him terribly. My stomach has been in knots since we separated, and incredibly unstable. It’s like I can’t text anyone, and don’t know what’s wrong with me, but something is constantly missing from my stability, that’s separation and it hurts. Also just experienced the loss of an ex-boyfriend who I dated 2022-2023, we separated after last 4^th of July was the last time I saw him, so it’s been a year already since we last dated. I’m currently talking to my ex from Law School, who I love and admire, and we both seem interested in seeing each other again, and not just as friends, which I’m excited about. Let’s not gamble away the marriage and baby choices in life we still have left, or marriage and adoption. I’m willing to improve so that I can do things in life, besides taking care of everyone by blog, and have so much to look forward to, if I just had love in my life. I’m sure we all feel that way, if we just had love, we could do this or that.