- Dear OC Judge: I am sorry for hashtagging you, and speaking outside of court, and for losing my composure in sobriety. It was not my intent to relapse in the face of difficulty or challenge, should have been viewed as an opportunity to stay sober, in difficulty, bullying, or voices, and not use alcohol as an excuse to not write or to turn my brain off. Instead of facing my fears and speaking when unstable or not feeling well, I decided to not write, and also gave up on writing on X (micro-blogging) due to symptoms, and not regaining my composure and feeling of things are going to be okay and work out. I assume that I faced graver difficulty and wound up overdosing and collapsing in my kitchen, not to mention repeated instances of throwing up, not experiment with my long term sobriety date, and give up on that quality about me. Im sure at a time like this, more is required, based on writing less, preceding former President Trump being shot, and the current President Biden’s decision to not run. I’m lucky I have not been getting voices for about two weeks now, and have managed to stay sober finally, beginning when I started therapy with a new therapist, determined to get my thinking back, and have better control over my talking points like now, versus writing about the same dilemma over and over again, and getting hurt everytime its mentioned.
- Dear Lawsuits: I’m sorry that my condition worsened, and so did my diagnosis. I’m sorry that it has taken so long or me to apply and get paid positions, and graduate from law school. What I have learned is to not write to anyone without replies, although experimental, can and was considered harmful (sued for it) and continue to take accountability for being someone who is alone and stopped being social, continue to make the effort to live a normal life, and improve, not allow bullying or lawsuits to become something I have to discuss or deny, or explain, would do a disservice based on how I was treated then, as guilty, Im assuming that now is no different, no matter who I am, is not something I can explain now being who I am compare myself now to who I was when I could love and be romantic fan, try, or make an effort to love or be loved, those were my losses in life, and continue to be something I struggle with outside of court, being someone who by conversation, attitude, look, recovery, job, lifestyle, is enough guarantee to someone else who could be struggling or has struggled, does not interpret my concerns as obtuse. I think what a lawsuit makes clear is that I have “mental illness” that affected who sued me, and now that’s on public record as being something about me, permanent, that says who I am to others, even when applying for jobs, questioned about what the lawsuit was about. That would be something you would have to ask who sued me for their reasons to have sued me. It’s not something being who I am can clearly discern as being wrong with me, at any particular point in time, is not fair to use “mental health” or “alcohol” as excuse to sue. I’m sure the difficulty I face now not talking to anyone, not working, not social, not attending AA meetings, is about how am I adapting to the world, as known, or disrespected do I have difficulty getting along with others, is my suffering a deserved consequence of lawsuit. I guess if your worried about the number of years it takes to recover, takes me a long time.
- Dear Presidents: I’m sorry to have mentioned you, or experienced phases in my analysis of life and stories of importance, if I ever failed to not sound appreciative for replies or deserving of being known, or submitting letters, maybe Ive been through too much trauma to remember who I was then, compared to what Im like now, but I would be equally disappointed if Ive changed or faced any permanent disability that prevents you or others from liking me or trusting me, that’s something new Ive not discussed. What do I sound like to people who think or know something less of me? Im assuming that if people think less of you, they don’t want to hear from you, and theres nothing that you can say that makes sense to them, that’s being treated as someone who causes harm to another, or is rejected. As someone who doesn’t text or message anymore, then Im judged by who texts me, or what those conversations are like, and Im sure getting sick facing a “mental illness” or relapse, is based not only on what I know Ive done wrong, or at what point I do get sued, but is also a lesson the sudden non-acceptance and anger should I give up and allow myself to be ignored, or not replied to taught a lesson in life, or a lesson in public, about whats normal. I think based on lawsuits, and having tried to date again, my mental health, concerns, and life is too serious and temperamental and complicated to integrate an innocent person, to retire to them a boyfriend or a job, instead of growing and maturing as a person and as an individual who has been sued, and then has to face the world having been sued, and criticized for my years in life or where I am, Im assuming being in a lesser place is insulting and offensive, being diagnosed schizophrenic only furthers an interpretation of me as “mentally ill” accuse me of feeling things or experiencing things or thoughts in life Im not in control of or cant figure out and help myself, is somewhat insulting to me, and unnecessary if Im being sued, or bullied, doesn’t mean that those interpretations of me or true. I think blogging is a way to re-integrate myself, while leaving everyone alone, accepting my losses, and to defend myself in stride, always tells the truth, and do my best to improve since its been made clear that being unstable, bullied, not writing and drinking, are relevant to “lows” Im falsely criticized as subcummbing to to diagnose me as a loser or disappointment, or accuse me of giving up (not recognize pressure or bullying as real) then accuse me of not having overcome difficulty in the positive, try to correct me in terms of whats real or not real, accuse me of being some place mentally that doesn’t exist in real life, to accuse me of convincing anyone to be sick or think sick or think wrong, accuse me of being a poor student not recognize my strength as an academician, and capitalize on insult and giving up as excuse to punish or pry into my medical records or suicide attempt, make fun of me.
lesliefischman.com 
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