Normal to me, feels like a calm, you feel motivated to do things that day, you are at rest, able to sleep and gather your thoughts, feeling positive in a good mood like things are going to turn out today okay, and having a sense of clarity that distinguishes a normalcy that you feel meaning there is no chaos overhead, there is no surmounting pressure, there are no voices, there is no internal conflict or dilemma that you are faced with affecting your writing or how you sound, to me that’s normal, able to take on the day, wake up and get going, and able to get things done.
I think not feeling normal, is having personal emergencies, instability, not knowing how to help or fix yourself, texting therapy, or calling 911, submitting reports, nervousness, not able to present yourself in public, all of those unstable feelings to me are mental health issues, that take time to figure out.
When I talk about mental health issues, I mean that’s up to you to figure out or be helped, and put on meds, or hospitalized go to the ER, if you continue to suffer from symptoms, that you cant reverse, or get better, like having a good day to me. It’s been my experience in instability to go the ER, that means not feeling well and not knowing why.
Recently Im feeling the instability of public pressure in regards to events or losses, or being able to discuss those losses, in combination with my name online and blog and in reference to my campaign, to show and demonstrate a care, not a guilt, or encourage a misuse of who I am for blame, I don’t think is what anyones intent is to see things normally or abnormally. I think an abnormal feeling is something we are all capable of noticing such as there being something wrong. I think using your senses, the average human being can tell if something is wrong, or can determine if a person has guilt or viewed as suspect, I think we have an open system, that relies on people to be observant and to report things out of the ordinary as a way to protect the public from harm, or in an effort to prevent losses, such as a relevant loss that just occurred due to drugs and alcohol of a famous musician from One Direction, with a very famous song, “Story of my Life.” I would say as someone who has blogged for years and shared my story with much success and support, it’s only now that Im reviewing the instability I faced, as relevant to any losses mentioned, coming to mean that I should now consider how I can be harmed, or suffer a mental health issue, due to a condition of addiction related to meds, or alcohol, or review my own sobriety and history of medical hospitalization as relevant and occurring upon getting a job, figure out why Im getting sick, or what is keeping me from working, by figuring out why Im suffering from symptoms, and in order to see the positive and the good in everything, and be allowed to suggest that today is finally a good day for me, continue to demonstrate how I earn the right to be well, and not end up in the ER, and illustrate everything that I have done in the past 6 months since leaving sober living to stay well, and improve and be in a place improved, so that I am able to help others, through blogging and start a new job, and take on the challenge of working full time, and to be respected for how I handle emergencies occurring for me personally, and to continue to improve as a blogger figure out what to share, and how I have shared, do my best to make things easy to digest and understand, consider my writing both settling to me, or to any side of concern in life, is a challenge and difficulty required as a blogger, that Im sure, struggling myself is not my intent to worry anyone, or lose a job, based on the imagined issues I suffer that would suggest taking me off meds, and putting me in treatment for year, be taken offline, and also not able to work a job, and those are the kinds of questions and required proof to not suffer harms, that there would be no clear solution for a “danger” relevant to my own life, ability to share, mental health, medications, heart condition, blood pressure, and symptoms, or suffering I would never experience on purpose, or be in a place where I cannot blog or work, no decision or placement, is occurring in avoidance of taking on responsibilities for the other.
I think to be clear on voices, it’s a condition that’s diagnosed as “schizophrenia” which there is no cure for, which is clear upon suffering from, takes weeks and months to get well, or be level headed, for things to get better, and for things to get worse on a level for me, that reflects a belief in the use of a diagnose, to describe me. In all the ways I could possible protect myself and others from harm, there was never a moment I was not clear on my limits diagnosis, medical history, court, lawsuits, setbacks, or ever in a place not serving as a good example of a human being who demonstrates how to help and care for oneself, a role model, or a person of success who shares advice to help enable others to stay well and not get sick, so these are perhaps dangers in blogging, relevant to issues non existing in reality or changed by location, that reflects that my acceptance of having a condition “voices” that is a consequence of reasons unknown, not occurring for periods of time, nor occurring via solutions Ive found, not occurring while blogging, not occurring while messaging someone in a effort to stay well, be protected, and improved, I feel has become a difficult discussion, as to asking me how voices are caused, and for no scientific analysis disclosure or admission to a condition has served as solution even in a job, voices have not stopped, and even on a weekend after a day of rest voices have not stopped.
I will continue to do my best to see the positive and continue to figure out a solution knowing myself, of how to overcome symptoms, without bothering anyone, or worrying anyone, but in the end this is my health, and Im doing my best to care and share without repercussion, and Im doing my best to move forward not get symptoms, to the best of my ability. And Im doing my best to not be harmed, or be blamed for things outside of my control, has presented as a relevant danger to my life, if my writing cant prevent a harm to me, if my solutions are not working, its okay for me to wonder or to cry, why me, why is this happening to me, why am I given a difficulty so challenging, with no cure, why am I disabled, why is it unfair for me to be hospitalized and face disability, see voices as unfair undeserved.
In a world of unhappy people, angry people, trauma, and economic and political concerns, with so many well known wealthy celebrities, and representatives of life online, I wonder why am I given a hard time, and its okay for me to fight mental illness in public and to see what mental illness looks like and sounds like. I don’t feel like I should apologize or be embarrassed by being clear on a diagnosis or condition, providing solutions Ive found, or experiencing symptons, or be battling something that I don’t deserve, am not asking for, have not messed up, am not guilty, am not at fault, am not mentally ill.
If I don’t believe that I am those things, and have never been those things in life, then I deserve to fight and defend myself and explain to my audience, the basis for which I am fought, and whats causing me to be fought, and to continue to discuss the issues as relevant to my life, my connections, and my story, explain life in a way that no one gets sick or gets mental illness, or suffers from voices, alone, and not believe my experiences are helpful, real, and relevant, and I don’t need to pretend that life is good or get sick to lose chances in life, my health goes everywhere I go, to job, to home, to apartment, to hospital, to my car, its not a way of life, that anyone should be shamed, or treated as trash or street, or be called things denominated in life, is no ones right to ruin my life.
So although it may seem unreal or unnecessary for me to not be normal and pleasant faced and writing quotes, if the issues are real as to my feelings, then to continue to do my best to figure out what is causing voices reflect on who has demonstrated anger toward me, figure out what makes me acceptable presentable attractive and of value, figure out whats keeping me from being able to work, figure out what is becoming difficult about my blog, continue to edit and review my Instagram, and figure out which issues or reflections or things said are not accepted, and to keep my standards high, continue to write to LA District Attorney’s Office, describe the mental health issues Im faced with and find solution for the problems Im experiencing as witnessed on my blog, until things get better, and to continue to write to my Attorney, and to the US Supreme Court, until solution is found, that’s the best way to interpret the seriousness of my approach toward life, making sure that things are good, things are better, no one is mad at me, make sure Im clear on what the experience of voices is like, be clear on what being alone causes more voices, and how being at work, and messenger is a way to prevent being bullied, and to continue to trust the government, and to not be convinced of any system of connecting to me, watching me, or experimenting with me, be justified, or be something I question or think about that’s outting anyone else, Im not punishing or prosecuting anyone, Im moving forward in life, if Ive been hurt deal with that hurt in private and move forward.
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