autobiography, beauty, career, confidence, friendship, journal entry, mental health, partying, recovery, reputation, self-help, writing

The Past is Not an Easy Subject …

Venture backwards if you must, we’ll all be here when you get back. The past is the past, viewable looking back, clear as daylight. However, on our own, it can wind up being a confusing recollection of memories to sort through, not having yet found meaning to those moments in life and how those moments have further defined us later in life. You are what you remember. While it’s best to keep things positive, we don’t always remember life in that way, and that’s exactly how you get hurt a century later, or 12 years later. See one do one teach one, that must have been exactly what they were thinking when I blew my first line of cocaine spring before senior year my last summer of college. That was when I turned 21, with an unforgettable birthday party at Toscana and a Limo to Hollywood to a club with family and friends. Not the lady in pictures I tried to be that night, in a Roberto Cavalli skirt, I was told Rihanna purchased too, in the store. I tend to exaggerate under the guise of any mind altering substance, whether that’s excessive study of music on iTunes, 50 makeup touch ups on New Years (the entire party left and went to someone else’s house), or winning a game of billiards in an ATF cop costume on Halloween in Boulder with someone sitting on the hole, got it in anyways. We build ourselves up in life to be important people one day: employees, friends, colleagues, girlfriends, wives, moms, and sometimes things work out for us, and sometimes it feels like forever waiting for the stars to align again and find love. -Always have faith. For every time I have messed up: rehab and AA = sober & clean. And it’s been my system of recovery since 2006, that’s taking my life seriously and stopping when I’m no longer in control of my life being ruled by a substance that doesn’t cure my pain but makes things worse, that’s how you know whether you can handle using substances in life, some of us, find ourselves on a one way ticket to hell, anytime we drink or accept a line. Straight back to hell. I used to wonder if people knew my story, and now I have more confidence and less paranoia having told my story myself rather than allow someone else to tell my story for me to others, and miss any important details.

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