Originally Posted 04-20-21

Being in touch with God, is not a state of being that makes you invincible to life stresses, immune from hardship, or protected from harm, its about whether or not you have trust in yourself, and on the basis of your own sense of direction in life, make the right decisions in time. Sometimes that can make the difference between being remembered, being forgotten, or being trusted. There is not science to having it all, and it does not involve you to differentiate yourself from others, in order to be more important than or more well connected, to prove or disprove who is the right ow who is in the wrong. That’s how you get hurt. So never put yourself down in the process of explaining from anothers point of view, what it is you have gone through, without question, have your privacy be respected. It will always be by who wronged you, that feels obligated to read or to follow, looking out for themselves, that’s who is waiting for you to slip up or misspeak, and that’s how a fight within is started, something you cant see that they can, and at your expense made to feel obligated to discuss you pains in life, which is not something that attracts people into your life, but keeps you further away from connecting with people on a likeable basis, that’s people being in fear of you, or what you have to say in life, misconstrue it to be meaning as applied to themselves or to others, and that’s not how to view anyones writing, as advisement for the mistreatment of the person speaking, without compassion, understand their deficits in life,. Anyone outside of a problem has an easy job of ignoring what does not make sense to them, or what truths about life they do not wish to honor. And sometimes that’s how the cookie crumbled, some viewed as victims and others not, I have never viewed myself as not loved, I think Im well taken care of, I think by that fact Im abused, mislead, bullied, and treated as less than, based upon meds, where Im living or what Im about. Life theres something funny about me, that no one understands where Im coming from. Its in illness you cannot relate, no one feel compelled to help you, assist you, or recognize whats going wrong for you in life, and it could just mean another feeling entitled to hurt you, like your record is not straight, or a bigger story can be told on the basis of punishing you, as though its coming from you, mental health issues. Mental health issues are not contagious, what is contagious is the feeling of treating someone like they deserve not to be tolerated, supported, hired, or empathized with, and sometimes its upon “rejection,” that another thinks that they are doing the right thing, that’s not who I am, that’s not who Im becoming, that’s not what I want, and I don’t need the job (not to be called “mentally ill,” not to tell your story be convinced Im at fault after being let go after 7 days, and not to be misunderstood as disabled or deemed a poor communicator of interests by email tolerant of others, conservative, professional). I wanted to work, and if someone cannot accept me for my own difficulties, then cause me to experience a worse condition, having sided with someones condition from my life, that’s not respecting how I have been hurt in life, by them, even after forgiveness, people want to come back in your life, and that’s how you get sick again, they don’t understand that you were loving, they hurt you, and that’s why you feel sick, and don’t feel like being loving toward them, you cant make people love you, you would think that it’s a enough that I blog and they can date whoever they want in life, I have never demanded love from anyone, I don’t need it, I don’t want it, Im not well enough for it. And that’s just how I feel having been broken at the only proud moment in my life graduating from Law School, some prefer trash and doing that to me, makes me feel suicidal, it makes my head smell, it causes me obesity, and that’s not me mentally giving up in life, that’s my body giving up in life, so Im not sure what meditation or abbreviation, or wording you need in life to also give up on hurting me, following me, reading me, and expecting to hear something that is loving or tolerant of anyone who thinks its necessary to punish me in public out of condolences for the losses of those to guns, violence, abuse, rape, rioting, and intolerance, Im one of them. Whether or not you can believe the drama in that, it’s the same pattern, its fun, everyone feels good, then if I get sick, then there is the panic, then there is the defense, then the disappointment, and Im supposed to explain everytime that happens or know the reasons for why when I connect, or am not understood, or favored, that I am judged to be a sick example of a human being, those are not my thoughts those are someone elses thoughts looking at me, stealing from me, using me, or trying to misidentify me to others, as mentally ill, and them smart. Which is what happens to anyone who gets close to me, its not me being intense, its me not feeling well, or crying, which I don’t cry anymore I was made to punch my head, so that’s not me being tough, or letting anyone win, that’s me being made to be intolerant of others, which was never my problem, to not have compassion, empathy, or speak in a natural way that’s not one sided, defensive, that’s understanding of where everyone is at, made to speak for myself in life. So that’s the point at which you become unrelatable, when you don’t feel well, when others feel better, and that’s when you get called selfish, or mentally ill, or misunderstood to be arguing, or fighting or complaining, or not happy, and that’s how they win, in your misery. Im not your think tank, Im not your friend, Im not your government, Im not your neighbor, Im not your police force, Im not your MLK, Im not your dream girl, Im nt you teacher, Im not your wife, Im not your girlfriend, Im not your homie, Im not your Attorney, and Im not your Judge. So if there is something you are getting at that you are waiting on me to say, in order to wrongfully accuse me of posing a threat to your health, that’s seeing how I feel first, if everyone doesn’t like me, and that’s not what I went to Law School for, I don’t do that people, I don’t have STDs, I don’t spread STD’s, I got blood drawn every semester to check for medications in my system and liver function, Im compliant, so don’t accuse me of not doing the work to be where I am today. It has nothing to do with proving anyone wrong, I don’t believe in that, I have no one to impress in order to be loved, I don’t have to be smarter than anyone, prettier than anyone, or more talkative than anyone, Ive never had to be friendly in my life, or have an experience in life to cause me to be more understanding or relate better to anyone who has had it better than me in life. Im not gay, that’s not my issue, and its not your problem, if its not something I willing show people, my body what I look like, or who has done me in life, Im not a user. And I don’t accuse anyone of rape, and even if it happened, I wouldn’t know it, to be helped by it, it would be considered my fault. #stopsuicide – So don’t hurt me and by my story accuse me of being a painful memory or person to connect to, call me mentally ill or suicidal, I love living life, I have a great life, I had everything going for me in life, Im not your political cartoon for blaming anything Trump related to me, or any gun violence incident you don’t think that Im smart enough to stop a pattern of. So that’s hurting me for results, and that’s not how God is made, by hurting people for reactions, and that’s not how famous people are made, by hurting women for attentions, and that’s not how respect is made, by how much you make in life, or by how much money you have, I have none. –God is someone who watched over you, its your environment, its what brings you peace, its not a person talking to you, its you on your own absent minded what is bothering you, and that’s the sense of clarity you get upon distancing yourself from what is hurting you or ailing you in life, including voices, opinions, or why you think youre being hurt in life or who thinks they are entitled to hurting you in life or treat you like your trash. Never in my life has anyone ever tried to hurt me, or threaten death to me, or bodily harm, and that’s not okay, not for being loving, animated, kind hearted, and sharing my life with anyone, if its not forever its not forever, and that’s why you have wives, and doctors, and medications, and your own health to take care of. Im not your doctor, Im not responsible for consoling anyone who doesn’t want anything to do with me, and its not my job to protect anyone who is trying to hurt me or put me in jail, because they don’t like who I am, my education, my work experience, my dating history, or my schooling, that’s doesn’t make me above anyone being younger than anyone, that’s makes me smart, for continuing to live life, in spite of all of lifes pains, not make my pain the pain of others. So don’t hurt me on the basis of one lawsuit, and make things worse, and cast me out to be some naked mentally ill woman who hits her head to humiliate me or cause me suicide, to suit your own interests, that’s an unreasonable use of force, if I get a hemangioma in my liver Spring 2020, that’s means not only am I not connected to the right things in life, but I am also being misidentified by God, as bearing traits or voices of someone who is not thriving among others, sickly, and how is one supposed to live life, being denominated in life at risk for heart attack and stroke, don’t shock me and accuse me of being gay or homosexual with men, or them effeminate, if its something to do with sexuality, explains why I stay home, no plans to go out, work, or crush on anyone new in the future for the rest of my life,, because everythings a joke, why Im losing 50 lbs, and should I recover and stop being attacked in private, move on with my life, and work, and blogging is not in place of work, its staying alive, so that I don’t fall sick suicidal by voices. –So be patient, don’t be mean, you don’t know my story, and if everything looks easy to you, then Im probably not someone who can provide the right insght you to lead you back to God. And feel heard by him, understood by him, protected by him, and smarter with him knowing you in life.