blog, blogging, writing

Staying Positive …

pile of books accurately stacked on table

Often times when things are not going well for you in life, you can wind up tied up in more places, than you find yourself put together, that’s not intimidation, that’s simply either you not being ready to be forthcoming about what you have been through, or its too late to make a big deal over anything in life, run the risk of being treated as someone who points fingers, rather than paves the way for more acceptances in life. That’s not how you teach others how to be well adjusted to the times, correcting people on the basis of their thinking, or behavior, we are all allowed to be ourselves no matter who is in the room, free from fear, hurt, embarrassment, or question, that’s your God given right to think freely, and no one should judge you for that. When it becomes important to be strong, you’ll know it, that doesn’t mean that automatic respect will follow a positive demonstration of interests, that’s for you to be forgiving of those who maybe don’t recognize you as having done anything important in your life, or for the short time you had a career in law, not credit you for being a good worker, reliable. What is reliability? It means that even if things are not going well for you, for example on 4 night meds and 5 day meds, just to be awake in the day time, and asleep at night, that is feeling physically ill in the event of a unrecognizable pressure, either coming from a form of misinterpretation of the issues, or having read what I have written, trying to prove me wrong, through anyones misapplication of something I have said, viewed in the reverse, to try to prove me wrong, well then that’s another philosophy taking hold, which is in disbelief, of my well years, and not being able to see how I was now that I am different, overweight 170 lbs, not in the 140s as I was my whole life, or messy faced, which is not from hooking up, I have not dated since 2014, with a few hookups 2017, and that was it, then started crushing on older men, who are public figures, I never really thought about a type, until I saw myself as struggling, that’s generally when you gravitate toward people who code better than you, have a bigger grasp on the issues that in a more popular way of reasoning, can be better understood, to not mean guilt, which is what I think happens if you appear weak, not pretty, not throwing the heat in the fashion department, or not dating anyone hot, which has never been a problem to me, everyone Ive dated has been good looking, maybe that’s because we blend well, not a spotlight person myself, just someone who is able to perform under incredible pressures in life realized, or not realized, threatened or not threatened, hospitalized or not, sober, why I don’t go out and don’t drink, and have been to rehab twice 2006 and 2011, and hospitalized 9x ((1) Feb 2009, (2) May 2011, (3) Feb 2013, (4) Sept 2013, (5) July 2014, (6) Jan 2017, (7) Aug 2017, (8) Aug 2017, (9) Aug 2019). So that was everyone coding without me, and I think that everyone preferred it that way, me on the outside, that was not me being loved, that was me being ignored hard to talk to, and everything going nuts, which is why I left Law School (Jan 2013) and flew to DC, I printed my itinerary before I arrived to visit #scotus and to see the cherry blossoms, there were none, and received an invitation to the inauguration (Im assuming everyone did at the hotel), and was given a bottle of wine. I was taking photos, and then didn’t share any of the photos, probably because everyone was at peace that’s not a moment you share, just like when my windshield was covered in monarch butterflies, I don’t know why I didn’t take a picture. As a Law Student you don’t really have time to free think, free write, or journal, and I cant really pinpoint exactly at what time that started. I think if you are strong and not playful in a witty way, it happens to you before it even processes to you, in the form of an insult, and its usually your friends managing the conversation that you cant yet comprehend, and the reactions that follow, it’s a discomfort you feel, but you don’t really recognize as having anything to do with you, so if youre not prepared to think about what any looks, smirks, or giggling is about, its not you, its just who they think you are, and if its not that they don’t respect you, its that you don’t recognize what you are known for, or why you ever responded in a way that prompted you to report everything online, this happened (2008) on Facebook when it turned to mixfeed trying to report, everything around me I think at age 35 I realize that’s a cause for free writing, that mellow moment of observation means that you are noticing people and going into focus means that you might have something to say, nothing to think too much about, I think at the time, whatever caused me to feel that way, was most likely being alone in a relationship, or on my way to the next chapter in life: Law School. Its not that you cant be happy for you, its that everyone is going through something, that you may know nothing about like they tell you, and think that you are doing okay or can take care of yourself, that’s the problem, with sex, it connects you physically, so that when you don’t hear from them, or not around them, can cause paranoia, why I don’t drink, date, or do drugs, it makes me sleepy. Sleepyness is a form of being at peace, its not having flipped out, its that you were connected, and in disconnect feel at rest peaceful, and that’s totally okay, but in order to be successful you cant be power napping your way through Law School and working part-time, which is what happened to me, pushed a lot, and then burnt out, that tends to be the theme, others unhappy with my progress, work schedule, or sleep schedule, and even in romantic interactions now, either theyre losing interest, or theyre mad at me, theres nothing defective about me, I take good care of myself Im very smart, I graduated from Law School, I maybe applied to too many Law Schools, its not a big deal, but if someone is trying to get to know you they will ask you questions, talk to you, and also talk about themselves, not talking enough is a tell tale sign, that they are not emotionally available for you, which means how much do you need a boyfriend, and how strong are you physically to withstand a breakup, or negative heat, for who you date in life, if it doesn’t work out. That’s not a limit you should push in life, if general acceptances are at issue, you cant just date anyone, and split you power in half each new relationships, if you keep doing that to yourself, you’ll never make it, maintain a job, or have anyone be proud of you, why I blog. Blogging is not instead of work, it was intended to be something to help me and others, and write in a way that’s publicly acceptable, so that I can get a job, so that there is not awkward questions about me, where my head is at mentally, or the status of my current issues be known, who is for me, against me, or trying to hurt me, which should be no one at this point in life. -So the challenge is to write in a way, that someone doesn’t connect, or give up on me, and then take that smart energy out on me, that’s addiction, when youre into something, for the purposes of hurting something well made, to see whether you are being read or connected that’s what you see a Doctor, or a Psychic for, or call an Attorney for, that’s not for experimenting with my health, by what meds Im on, be convinced Im mentally ill, or accuse me of being mentally ill or unintelligent writing online for some purpose other than for more acceptance for those who suffer from code related mental health issues, and the loss of respect that follows from not being made apart of anyones life, due to what meds youre on, or losing contact with people because you are working on yout Masters in Law. In order to rise above the issues, its not an inner drive that pushes you to the top in blogging, that’s not motivation that’s not how it works, and its not confidence that makes you seem harmless to others, or in control by meds, of your own intelligence, its that your body doesn’t give up when there is no one around to console you, advise you, or help to redirect your thoughts in life, that’s being strong, being disciplined means running everyday, being out in public, and not appear disheveled, or overweight, with no bodily odors, or dysmorphia, that means that you are physically fit to be out in public and be known. A few of the issues I have encountered, being a human being, not knowing whos connected to you. This is how blogging helps, my audience is managed, can be located, and is traceable, that means that Im doing my part, to not be someone who lives a private life as a Law Student, and disliked on the basis of how I appear, thinking that Im more energetic than I am, no its just that Im not expecting to be hurt, and how I was able to stay alive even if I was treated like Im mentally ill or don’t work hard, applying for jobs and not being interviewed, is because I wrote to the courts 2013, that’s informing them of everything I know and everything Ive said, honest.

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