blogging

Website Goals and Progress …

set of medical protective face masks

If your goal is to get jobs one day, then blogging may not be the investment in your future that you were hoping for, if you cant hold center, in the event of things not going right in life. I think for the most part blogging has been a positive experience, I cant say that the same goes for everyone elses moral philosophies in life, which is probably based on a different metric, compared to anything I have gone through, with mental health issues and hospitalizations.

I think the more you talk about a deficiency, the worse things get, that is to be treated as someone with a disability, that another does not have or understand the causes for, and it will not be your fault, no matter how high up you are in life. It will probably be money and by what you have in life, that will separate you from positions of respect or more respect in life, so its your life, live it how you wish to live your life, without causing anyone else to second guess their purposes in life.

I think Ive been given a lot of support over the years. Getting a bipolar diagnosis, is something that takes time to accept about yourself, to recognize your weaknesses, and to stick to a regime that works for you, including the meds you are prescribed. That doesnt mean that you are free of your problems in life, if you are given meds to help you overcome a deficit, or a mood, that doesnt mean that you will become stronger or more resilient, not if you dont remember, what you need to do in the event that you dont feel good: get help.

If there is something about yourself that youre not happy with that can in turn affect your relationships, personality, and ability to connect with others, it kind of makes you feel distant to everyone. Its common in people with bipolar to be treated in the following way: “Friends and family may also notice changes. If you’re experiencing manic symptoms, you may not see the need to get help from a doctor. You may feel great and not understand the concerns of those around you until your mood shifts again.” [1] -So remember its not that people are being hard on you because they dont care about you, they are probably being hard on you, because there is something you are saying or doing with your life that they dont agree with, or there must be something that they think you can better about yourself, change, and thats going by what other people think and feel, and thats what makes bipolar very defeating, to be treated as though there is something wrong with you, and not able to be accepted as normal, or having done a good job at living life.

Thats the misunderstanding, that because someone is on meds, that who they are in private, is how they are with people, or who they are around others, is how they are by themselves, its hard to be around people, if you feel like you are constantly being evaluated or sized up, and you will never know on what basis that is occurring, until you get sick, and usually thats what that is about, its perceived that by others being distant toward you, or hard on you, means that more is being expected of you, with a diagnosis, which never really made sense to me, why anyone would expect me to be the same, on more meds, or be upset with me, based on my diagnosis, as though its a condition that I created or asked for in life.

I think if you struggle in life, on your own thats one thing, to struggle in front of others is another thing, so thats the difference between keeping your problems to yourself or other people having a problem with you based on what you look and feel like when in their company or around you, as though you are supposed to behave look and be different around people, I think you lose that enthusiasm for life, if you get put down enough times, its not something you become around others confident, or independent, or motivated, or enthusiastic, I think thats the trait of someone who is trying to help others, I dont think thats an accepted trait of someone with bipolar, who is expected to listen to others, or be dependent upon others for how to be in life, its just a loss of independence its not a big deal.

I think Ive improved so that’s all that matters. When you first get diagnosed, you don’t believe that you need to meds, then you get put on the meds, then you have to get used to feeling like $hit everyday, tired, stuck in bed, and that’s being put on meds that are supposed to keep you under control, in terms of your thinking, which I don’t think benefited me as a law student, you kind of have to be awake, and be able to think to function and finish school, which explains why maybe it took me so long to finish Law School. 

When everyone feels different, that’s not a good time to bring everything up. When no one is sure what to do, that’s not a good time to complain. When things are not working out for the organizations you support, that’s not a good time to focus on yourself. When things are going well for the people, that’s not a good time to attract attentions to yourself, help others in general. I don’t think I ever expected for people that I know in life to get sick, and maybe the mental health issues I got in life, were a symptom of something bigger, maybe now, maybe just me. So if I have been through something on my own, that doesn’t mean that what I go through individually will be something that someone else will go through knowing me, that sense of everyone needing to be doing the same thing in life, is control, and you cant control people.

Living a positive life in spite of your diagnosis in life, is important, the more you talk about things in the negative, the worse you feel, why its important to always view your life in the positive, even if things are not working out for you in the long run, even if you cant go back and live your old life as it was, and have to live a new life, by a different set of terms and conditions.

It wont all be about your past, and it wont all be about your future, what your present looks like will determine what opportunities avail themselves for you moving forward, so dont expect everyone to be happy for you, or on board either, I think thats the difference between being blamed as though its your blog that causes change, or your blog that is successful or leading any groups of people, in terms of how to view people in general, I dont think my life as lived, was normal at all, and even in tracking my progress, I dont think that the times that I ever tried to vocalize or share my life, ever looked completely normal, I think writing is better than photography, I dont think it was necessary to track my health by photography of my face.

I never realized that I was that ugly or disheveled, I think I just accepted myself in that condition, I think weight loss is important, I also think not dating is important, after you have been diagnosed with anything, that makes you a dependent in life, needing to be taken care of, I dont think I ever saw myself as that, I think I always saw myself in a job working, so its very disappointing, for that to not happen for me in life.

I think blogging was a positive experience, I dont think as a public figure connected to all the distant connections in life, that I suffered any less than anyone who was distantly connected to me, was made to feel, that just means that the leadership or sense of feeling good, is at the heart, about what people think about you, and that disappointment, occurs when it is made to seem that someone who is connected doesnt value those connections in life, or is not representing themselves well enough, with recognition of how short life is to begin with.

I think I have always worked hard, I think by photography, it makes it seem like I dont care or am not working hard, or am being careless, or not valuing myself or others, I never thought that photography would be used to ruin my life, or make people think less of me, I dont think I am that way with anyone, and I dont think its fair to be made to look like Im that way with anyone in real life. Intimacy is something you share with one person, in a relationship, its not a feeling you should exude around everyone, I dont think thats necessary to be well liked, loving to everyone, I think there is a stopping point, to being so generous with your heart and your mind, thats how Ive been hurt, and Im sure a lot of people get hurt feeling close to people, who later put them down, as though there is something intolerable about them, or whack.

I dont see myself as troubling to be around, or there being something wrong with me, but then again, I havent been that social in years, so Im sure it must be something about me, that anyone is not pleased with, what happens to me, or how I am punished in the event that someone thinks there is something wrong with me. So thats not a tantrum a hole in my wall, that was me getting voices and made to feel suicidal and hit my head into the wall and it made a hole, I must have broken 3 droid phones, thrown at the wall, and it wasnt coming from my phone, and not from a quiet neighborhood.

Thats what happens when you dont do any therapy youre whole life, have attended rehab twice, do not finish law school, cannot maintain a job, are running everyday, have lost 50 lbs, and learning tech, people will think there is something wrong with you, if you dont watch TV cancelled cable to save money, and wear only target everyday. -So thats why I tried harder beginning 2020, I dont think anyone intended for everyone to get sick, I dont think its anyones fault that COVID was spread, I can empathize with the fear of getting sick, its not a fun feeling to not be free of disease, or susceptible to getting a disease in life, thats not fair to anyone, and its also not fair to be subjected to fear with crime on the rise, no matter where you live, be subjected to not feeling safe, thats also no ones fault.

So what can be done to make things safer or feel better. For one it would be a good idea not to complain about the little things in life, such as what happened in the past, or who is forgiven or not forgiven. It would also be a good idea not to blame ideas that were popular, as being the cause for anything not working out for some people and working out well for others. And it would also be a good idea, not to blame film or song, for anything that happens to you in life, and make anything about posters, or movies, or songs, as some kind of excuse for any kind of mental illness suffered by anyone, I think the less you write and talk about your life in the positive, the more room for error gets left, for the opinions of others to gear how you are treated in life, to amount to what types of blames, or what types of conseqences for you, as though the opinions of others are directions in life for how to treat people, or not care about them, or blame them in life for any number of difficulties faced by anyone who knows anyone. Ive always done my best.

Reference:

[1] https://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-diagnosis-guide#recognizing-symptoms

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