Looking for homes

If it were a matter of two

Just another ER interview

I told myself be impeccable too

And upon my return

We sat rocks apart and shared

Never forget you are one of them too

A few came back not even a soldier wept

The black box she couldn’t figure out

And so he sat, patiently waiting

Of all people, among a select few

She stammered and balled, crying

Not a blue pill found in sight

Diagnosed me, diagnosed them

Who would be bound to be correct

And the harder she found the harder it got

Bedridden for days, drooling and spewing

She barely slept, and so the pounds added

And by the time she’d had enough

She went back to the 1st med instead

Another term another day

With nothing to say, this must be new

An ordinary assumption not even in letters

So let’s forgive and please forget

How it seems how it’s shown its not what is

Some unbelievable situation

For one to contend, it’s this it’s that

She’s this she’s that, it’s this it’s that

And so she thought, for what’s transpired

Was it worth it to all who conspired

What up against and for what’s been spent

Another education lost, without room to spare

If not for peace what else is there to declare

So turn the pages, whether I’m found or lost

Ignore the hate, and the hostility it brought

When it’s time to love, there will be love

When it’s time for compassion there will be a lesson, and when it’s time to rest, let there be quiet, we won’t all find our place inside one persons heart, let’s just not dig for spaces beside mine, to call yourself a good sport.’

Side-Note: I think what I was describing at the end, was the risk in telling your story not wanting others to end up the same, there is no excuse for any amount personal suffering that doesnt get treated, I recognize that if ever stuck in a bad feeling unstable I get hospitalized, this also lends insight into the fact, of your odds for helping others, which cant always be by sharing your story, and always with sensitivity broach the subject, its when you arent doing well, that you get deemed to be some kind of “influencer” for decision making when it comes to other peoples health, I think not properly calculating the last 10 years and all the jobs I had, relationships I tried for, meetings attended, running/walking everyday since 2014 and losing 50 lbs, hospitalizations, medication changes and compliance with medication by shot, I think I have adequately done my part to be a good decision maker and thinker, its not okay to criticize anyone who was made to think about life in such a serious way that they decided to take their own life, not everyone is capable of snapping out of it no matter what the addictive thinking is, sometimes its about who a person is, sometimes its about meds, sometimes its about breakups, sometimes is about addiction, sometimes its about alcohol, we cant account for how many bad feelings a person gets before they officially give up, but that is nothing I have ever contemplated when looking back on my own life, always proud of myself, and working diligently each day, whether through blogging, or finishing a degree working towards applying for jobs, its important to be goal oriented, lifes not all about happiness, or being known for something positive, and even if there is something about you known, to cast a negative viewpoint of you, permanent or not, damaging mentally, you can get through it, with enough help and support, and maybe feel the impact of negative judgment a little less. We cant always judge people for who they are and expect that by what they have or by education, that they are supposed to be mentally and physically strong enough for being further exposed in a way counter to how they have appeared through blogging or writing, maybe it looks easy to just write its not, there are hours spent, thinking and writing, and reviewing, and editing and saving a whole days work of energy and patience just for one blog post, thats making sure that things settle with me, there are no negative reactions toward me, and thats the feeling that helps you to move forward, not needing permissions to continue on your path, and also not being treated like you move on, or compose yourself in public without peoples permissions in life, choose what life works for you, and if you are not able to work yet, figure out what the issue is medication wise, to be well enough to be in a room of other people, and for your condition, demeanor not to bother anyone wondering about you, or why youre down, or not upbeat, all healing takes time, you should need no favors in life, just speak up. #stopsuicide