blogging, self-love, sexuality

When Love Happens …

There are always periods in time when you are free to talk to others, mostly when they approach you, and sometimes there is chemistry, sometimes there is a bond, and sometimes you are helped, I think there is something to learn from every person you meet in life, and its not about how many people know you, but the quality of your relationships. Of course Im talking about this now with difficulty, after feeling hurt, or bombarded with insult, it can be a difficult task to face being able to move forward and be your loving self again, especially after you have been hurt or exposed in a way, to cause either you or anyone else to question your motives in life, your drive, aspirations, or goals, I think at the end of the road we all see ourselves as finding someone, maybe we don’t know who that person will be, but when the time comes, and when things have died down on your end, you will again be that approachable person you once were, without all the problems for interpretation, I think the happier you are with yourself the more likely you are to meet people in life, don’t give up hope. You have to be in a good place in life, to be playful with people or be able to flirt, I don’t think that if you are insecure or not confident that its so easy, to not be met with insult, like they are just another person to like, or because of what they look like you have an interest in them, sometimes its not until you get to know a person, that a sense of comfort is reached, to me that’s what falling in love is about, getting to be yourself, aside from the controversy, of what you’ve been through at this point in life, is someone willing to accept you at your best, where ever that may be. So to me it wont matter whether its real or not, make believe, only online, not real, you cant pick and choose who is willing to respond to you in life, and calling for attention online, will also not deliver to you your sweetheart, everyone has lives, so no one in their right mind would ever take it upon themselves to start liking someone online in a way, that they feel like they have to represent them, and that’s what being at odds feels like, you will like people, but everyone feels distant, and if someone is able to get close to you, and other relationships don’t work out afterward, then that also doesn’t mean that you are damaged, the point is to heal, men will always gravitate toward those who are doing well, you don’t necessarily have to be that strong and confident, you just have to be available, to put in the work and the extra effort it takes, for anyone to waste time getting to know you, reading your messages or mail, reply, or reach out to you and take it upon themselves to try for a relationship, that’s just life, not everything will happen for you when you are well, and not everything will be easy after having been through a lot, that’s understandable. Sometimes talking about things, things don’t happen for you in life, so allow for privacy to take hold, not misdirect your audience to misinterpret lightheartedness for lack of professionalism on the issues with awareness for all of those who have been affected by misplacement of interest in favor of prosecuting people with larger offenses in mind, that’s not what living life is about, getting to know people to have something on them, to make fun of them later for something demanded of them, that’s not how you destroy a person, and I would not allow that to happen to myself or anyone, who I ever thought to represent whether that be through blogging, or blogging for me, connect with any bloggers for that manner, if its me that anyone is trying to make stupid, or a poor example of who a blogger is. Its not that Im bringing things up to play victim, its that if Im still feeling the after effects of being made fun of, its certainly not over a Coldplay song, that prompted me to sit at LAX Courthouse for 30 days, and will be finishing the last two days this week before work starts, to update them on my progress, and whats upsetting me at this moment in time. When things are not going right for you, that not only freezes you and causes you to take a step back and think about life but you also run the risk of freezing your partner, who should never be made to feel uncomfortable with what is thought of about you. No one wants to be watched for criticism, that’s being in the public light, its not that the attention is unwanted, its that it doesn’t give the people an opportunity to be close, get to know people absent minded what is thought to have happened in the past, and misjudge a person for having less as not being able to have relationships in life that last, or without being inferred to be about something else, single. Not all relationships are solely for the purposes of having fun, if you are able to have fun do so, but never at the expense of anyone who holds a higher office than you, distract them from their goals in life, to protect the best interests of those who would rather not be misrepresented by anyone their believe to in a provocative way asking for attentions in life, I have never understood how that’s excuse for blaming someone for being hurt in life, I have never experienced negative attentions in my life, an outdoor long distance runner for years, have never returned home from a run not feeling good or at peace, no matter who was out, and no matter what anyones happiness or conversations were about, none of that ever bothered me. No one acts without care, I think we all have to put effort into our relationships, to make people feel good, feel understood, or apart of, that’s not what relationships are for, being apart of, then watching everyone else, and blaming someone who you have come to know or understand, upon watching online, claim that they have anything to do with whats going wrong for you or others. There are a lot of people in this world, willing to care for those who choose to be supportive of them, but that time is not indefinite, to demand of anyone, to be there for you, especially if you are not happy with them, we only have so many days on earth, and well momentum, to tolerate threats, I think we all struggle, so even if I was older, or even if I was a man expected to be a provider, I would never give a woman a hard time for having disability, and not being able to be strong or loving toward me, that you leave alone, and I don’t think that means that its personal, you have to respect the boundaries provided naturally between people when things are not going right, you cant take that personally, and it also doesn’t mean that because everything is going well for you, that everything will go well for me, Im the kind of person who needs to be alone to rest and recharge. -So what does it mean to be a third wheel in life, it means that because you are not well, and because you are still putting yourself together, you foster better in a relationship in which you are supported on the basis of you being motivated for attentions from a person you admire or respect, and sometimes that can occur in the form of a significant other who is older than you or above you, that doesn’t mean that the end goal is for romance or pleasure, sometimes by accident that occurs mistaking the comfort and comradere of a work relationship for something else, then there is being out in the wild, and wanting to be there for people, on a friendship basis, where people are rooting for you, supporting you, and buffering you from what the rest of the world feels like if no one cared about you, or found you to be special or important, I guess that’s what dating apps are for, connecting singles on the basis of knowing that youre not alone and that you are liked and there are others who are going through similar difficulties in life, not having time to settle down and get to know others, or too busy working, its an organized way of meeting a select group of people, who don’t abuse the program for match making, used seldomly when needed. -Recently I experienced identity theft, where someone was using my pictures pretending to be me and made a Tinder account, I would never expect for that to be allowed, with a telephone number and email that is not my own, thankfully we live in a nice world and they found me online, and contacted me on messenger, still need to reply to one other message inquiry, I support everyone, and that’s the best part of being on Tinder is getting to share your picture and to see how many guys like you and from the guys that like you, who you like back and who you match with and the conversations that you are able to have, those are several leaps of faith, in which you don’t know a person, and willing to give the dating life a try, it’s a lot of effort, its not easy to start hooking up with someone new, its easy to get used to a person who you know, and for them to come around on occasion than it is to go from one serious relationship to the next, maybe Im different, in that Ive had a few boyfriends, and mostly things have not worked out, either they are not a match, or they like me, and Im not attracted to them, Im nice to everyone, its really not about that, its about what youre looking for, and whether you see long term potential with someone, otherwise those experiences you don’t have to talk about in life, those are not your defining moments, the men who have bedded you who you have not maintained a long term relationship with, they move on, so should you, no matter what anyone else thinks, that’s not the basis for disrespect, the basis for disrespect in upon disconnect or not doing well in life, what people hear about you, and then losing respect for you, pretending as though you were held in high regard, I think you only let others down, when people are made to think less of you, and you might not know why anyone is giving you a hard time, it could be because of who you are friends with or who hooked up with you, I wish it wasn’t that way, imagine how DA Spitzer feels, great girl, a lot of problems, tries to handle things on her own, doesn’t get much legal advice, enjoys writing and blogging, graduated from law school, gets robbed, is not famous, [thinks shes] treated as stupid [lacks confidence], people are sweet to her or get upset if she’s not loving or not making progress, [thinks shes] made fun of on the basis of what case she is connected to, and then treated as someone who is trying to be famous on the basis of the experiences she has had [fears], not respected [she thinks because of modeling]. I think that much he cant control, whoever met me, and did not see me as important, or met me and thought that I was full of myself, or carried myself in a way, that they did not think that I needed nurturing or love, and less attentive toward me, that’s being an independent woman, and those relationships last, when one another is able to focus on career without the drama, or wasting energy reassuring one or the other about the status of their relationship, in your younger years that’s common, as you get older, its not something you think or worry about in a relationship, what your partner is like around others, or how you are treated in a relationship, if you are busy with your own life, you wont have time to think about all the hours to their day combined with all the hours to your day, who has the time, to occupy their time with someone elses time, that’s not living a double life, if you have a job, that’s combining lives, or problems for that manner, and this I realize as I get older, that whatever I have dealt with separately in talking with the police, or the government, is really none of the business of anyone getting to know me or trust me, for opinion or stability question me or accuse me or feeling good among, I don’t think I have ever been someone to walk into a room feeling good based on looking at people around me, you know once you have to look at yourself, or worry about your health, that probably means that you are not fit to be in a room full of people observing you. [And this is when they tell you to get to an AA meeting, or get outside of your head, or you’re not alone, or never give up]. You only have one life and one chance to make a good impression once everyone gets to know you, and any distaste for you, or disappointment, not only hurts you, but it hurts to be around people, for people to not respect you on some basis known to them, or among people a shared perspective communicated by someone who does not know you well, or only knew you for a short period in time, its not about image and reputation, therefore I have experienced first hand what it is like to be judged as lesser, so why would I ever engage in a lifestyle that would cause anyone to view me as lesser, or the cause for a lesser status for anyone who grew associated to me in life, or later came to know me or meet me online, that’s not how to make people feel good or be reassured, becoming important, or so easily be made to look stupid, like you can be replaced, or that there is a system for making people important, or making them feel unimportant, for them to go away, or to not share the spotlight with anyone who they think is more deserving of being important, I don’t think that my life, is for the use of people to claim that I ever didn’t make them feel important or valued, I think if youre not being paid for it and there are not insurances for covering the lost time in recovering from embarrassment, I don’t think that anyone who is not a public figure has that right to declare that someone is not fit to be known, or to talk about life, or be situated online, to mean that there is some shared understanding or hierarchy, that is not understood by me, to manage my own space, without interfering with the space and image of someone who is already in the spotlight, and I guess this is a test, of my health, how someone who is in the spotlight is affected by my health at this moment, whether or not Im wasting time in upset recalling the past or what “voices” are prompting me to become frustrated with my condition, and give up on on my progress stay steady.

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