An Intimate Rapport …

An intimate rapport is built in a trusted space, and when trust cannot be relied upon, that affects the things that you are able to talk about and the tone, hence the difference between and When your defenses are up, you might not be the same warm and friendly person you were when things were going well, before you got put under any negative pressures in life. And that’s life, its not a nice world. I am someone who refuses to believe that the world is not safe, and that we are not safe to talk and discuss our fears, problems, and struggles out loud, I think there is very much a therapeutic value into hearing from others, no matter what state they are in. That’s the benefit of being well, have you ever been around someone shouting or screaming, and not being in the same place as that person, and think to yourself Im glad that’s not me? So that’s blogging, its not meant for anyone to be walking on eggshells with you, that’s not what vocalizing your feelings is about, its not about being dramatic, its about not falling silent to something that’s being done to you, like you are approving of it, or trying to work around it, Im tired. Im tired of getting voices, and Im tired of having mental health issues. I just want to move forward, I have the opportunity to work again, and I also have the opportunity to date again, but none of that will happen for me, so long as I am not well, or get sick, simply because of who is in my audience, is being critical or me or does not respect me. I don’t expect that anyone reading, is expected to have been following along, or to not have a problem with me, then read and suddenly have a problem with me based on something I have said. I am scared, I am depressed, I am crying, I do get voices, I am heartbroken, and I am trying my best. Its not fair to have mental health issues, and be treated like your issues are affecting others, or people in your immediate environment, I was hospitalized twice in the past 6 months, once in May (for schizophrenia) and again in July (for schizophrenia) put on a heavy med called Clozapine, which causes drooling in your sleep, had to sleep with a towel on my pillow, and causes lethargy, the days are long, its difficult, your half asleep, and its hard to function and to move. As a result I gained 20 lbs. That is why I had to get a gym membership, and start running everyday. It sounds like a lot to say out loud, and I would never discuss what battling mental health issues are like, if I didn’t want others to recognize that they don’t have it as bad as me, and they don’t have to try so hard in public as I have just to be left alone, and to not be given a hard time. -An intimate rapport, is a gentle space, in which you feel nurtured and loved, and maybe Im not that especially not for a reader at this point, maybe that’s someone that I can only be for someone in private. And so it is. Thats being professional, that’s not being cold, and that’s not being conservative, that’s limiting my options, for anyone to get close to me, or to promote myself as anyone above anyone, Im a blogger, I have to get help and get advice like anyone else when things are not going right for me in life, there are moments when I lose faith, there are moments when I lose momentum, and there are moments when Im in self-harm (getting voices), and that much no one deserves no matter how much they write online, no one is entitled to hearing from you in order to be negotiated with in order to leave you alone, that’s a tiring life to lead and a set of standards to live by, that if someone is not happy with you, that you have to speak for them, or for you to get hurt in their favor, and for the majority to take their side, that ability for you to view someone in the positive is called love, its also called trust, when you have known someone long enough that no matter what they are going through you have faith that they will get through it, that they mean well, and that nothing bad will happen, how am I supposed to provide that feeling for anyone, when I am being made to be viewed as someone who is mentally ill, what have I done in life to deserve to be treated in that way, like I have wronged someone, simply because they were upset with me, and the relationship was no longer a loving one. Relationships end, that’s a sad truth about life, either you are able to stay well and to be there for others, or you are not well and have to take care of yourself, that’s not selfish for someone to be going though a hard time, never in my life, did I ever think that I wouldn’t match up with people simply because of the problems that I have inherited in life as a result of blogging, its not a dead end job, its intended for you to grow and to learn through the process of sharing how to be, and be better fit for jobs in the future to work with people, that’s the end goal, not to work hard and for all opportunities future for you to work for others, or be able to promote other bloggers be ruined, simply because you were not able to grow and manage your own blog and reputation successfully, that’s not what I spent 10 years of my life accomplishing trying to be a writer, to be brought down in life, to some standard of disgust and disdain. My mental health issues are not an excuse for anyone to hurt me then blame me or treat me like I bring any conditions upon myself, maybe you have studied terminology that you are going by in order to mischaracterize me as grotesque or uneducated, I have never treated a man in my life as grose for being sexual towards me, that’s something that I have allowed every man in my entire life to express with me without judgment, and I don’t wish to be judged negatively for wanting to be in a loving relationship, move on, and be able to work, without judgment. 

 35 total views

About Author

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: