abuse, blogging, friendship

What is Abuse? (In My Own Words) …

What is abuse? We wont always see clearly on days specifically when we are bombarded with the truths of others specifically directed at pin pointing what is wrong with you, not focusing on what you are doing right, its how you respond that becomes the agent of what is considered an abuse, whether you are tolerant of the perspectives of others, listening, and whether you change, it your ability to adapt to circumstances is what makes you a strong person, its who is on the other end, that does not feel that same way of you, that becomes the voice of reason, and that’s going from having things clear on what needs to be done on your end, and being told what is going wrong for you and why. It can be a tough pill to swallow, to be told that you are something that you are not, even when you are doing your best, no one asks to be given a hard life, and that’s not what being online is for, complaining about life, or suffering in private, and pretending like everything is okay, that’s not even mental health issues, a mental health issue may occur when you think something is being done that you think is wrong, either to yourself or to another, and its in discomfort that you either speak to it, or you let it slide, that doesn’t mean that what is being done to you is okay, you pick and choose your battles in life. At 36 years old, with a benign hemangioma found in my liver, diagnosed with bipolar for years 2013 to 2017, and having my first battle with voices “2017” (schizophrenia) it is clear that you will not always understand the reason for that occurring, maybe its something your suffering from trying to self-medicate, maybe it is something that is being done to you, that you self-medicate, the cycle is vicious, and if you don’t get a hold of knowing the difference between what is your normal state versus what is a perturbed state, then you will have won half your battles right there stepping away from causes and circumstances affecting your ability to think clearly, no one thinks clearly whenever someone is upset with them, we don’t intend to fall behind in life, or fail to meet the mark in terms of dating but it happens, and that’s mental health issues, maybe not good enough to date, but happy on your own, keeping busy, and maybe that’s not much if youre not making money and a job paid is expected of you. You can do your best to apply when you are well, if you are not hired that’s not your fault, that with the perfect resume, no one interviewed you, and no one gave you a job, we don’t all know people in high places to be considered by positions in life, especially in the legal field which makes now, an exciting time for me, maybe not personally, and socially online, it seems that when I am doing well a different picture is cast, and that when I am following my dreams or instincts to help those who are experienced in influencing how we see and understand life, that’s not to get in anywhere that I don’t belong, who deserves to hear what is being done to assist those who are also in a story, whos needs are not being met, given jobs, or finding placement in life in paid positions, to take care of themselves financially, so that they can date, and have a life and be social, that doesn’t happen for everyone. Its clear that if you focus on work, work will happen for you, I blogged then got a job, its clear that it you focus on academics to get a job then you get a job through academics, whats not clear to me is the dating world, which I have never not been a fan of, maybe its not something that makes you likeable to talk about, who has wanted to date you, when and why, but its true that when things are not working out for you, you can count them out too, Im sure no one wants to see someone they like not do well in life, that’s a very painful subject for me, to have fallen in love or grown close to men in my life, that I have had to be alone for many years in order to get my life going in the right direction, so that Im not in a dark place, or in need of help or some savior to rescue me, that puts their health in jeopardy to hear what my problems are, most men enjoy the company, without the discussion of problems and sides, and maybe that’s were I fell short of earning a JD, trying to focus on both, and failed at one, JD, which led to a failure in the other, a relationship for marriage. I was last told to get a job, and to discontinue blogging, which has been the advice of most people, to me its therapeutic and helps, maybe to them seeing me and knowing me, too stressful of a position to have in life, where people are playing with your image, or making fun of your image online, and Im not famous yet, Ive had no interviews, Ive not been identified as someone of interest who has to share something of value, and I have not been fully accepted a “household name” to designate me the provider of any key insights into what life is like for everyone right now, which should not be affected by any compounded stress onto any one person, with consideration for time, their parents health, and their families health. So to me abuse occurs when someone doesn’t get their way, or when they don’t feel appreciated by you, or when they think that you are “using” ie not taking meds as directed or self-harming as a result of your own unhappiness, or unsatisfactory effort to improve or to display improvement, its all difficult, we all do our best, everyone has a different formula for living life and improving and not everyone has bipolar, or schizophrenia, which is not a cover-up for anything that I have said to declare me mentally ill in the favor of the public perception, I think it does me a disservice to be called that and I think it does a disservice for people to hear form me, then not understand what there is wrong with me or what I am saying, and that’s when people go digging for dirt, and that’s what exposures are for, to say you seem well, but you looked like this, or you seem good now, but Ive heard this, or you are here now, but you are saying this, or you say this, but you don’t seem like you like this, I think that you earn whatever you get in life, there is no name you can shout and 818 million people show up, life doesn’t work that way. You have to provide a feeling to others, and being abusive means not trying to convince someone of something to think or something to feel to generate a response from someone or a like, that’s now what writing is for, to control someone how they feel or what they think, as you can see when I get controlled by voices or what they say or what they think, that makes the space in which I can move around freely feel confined, and that’s abuse, feeling limited, and we are already suffering from disabilities, the last thing we need are limits, and this is what freedom of expression is for, its not for putting people in confines, or making them feel guilty for something past they have seen or thought was funny, since when is that punishable, I think that all things that you can relate to in a fun way, is an okay way to think, life is not perfect so there will be things that you may think that are not appropriate or may be inappropriate and maybe that’s not thinking with your best detective gear on, and that’s what sharing your story becomes so painfully intrusive that there could be sensitive subject that’s not intended to be painful it could be something from the past, and it could be just talking about it that generates pain, but you can show up to a “#thebigquiet” and its like the high school experience magnified, but for everyone! [1] All Im saying is that life can be painful, so when you get to the point of your time being limited that’s at 36, you realize whats important to talk about, whats for therapy, what will help, what is hurting a situation, what will help get people talking, and what will make people quiet in a less than positive way, that discomfort, its important to share amongst friends, I think sharing online is not quite the same love or admiration that is shown in support of one another, no matter how difficult the times, they don’t know how you were, and all they see is you is a disheveled state, whether that’s drinking, or in a hospital, or in an AA meeting, we all take time to get well, not everyone is strong enough for the stigma associated to addiction, or alcoholism, wellness, or mental health issue, remember to be human, most people I have found are interested in the same things Im interested in, even if we are different ages, we can talk like friends, and I feel like Im in high school or college, with all the banter, and commentary, and one-liners, that’s what I miss, not these stages of recovery and isolation, when you are made to feel like its your friends, or it’s the alcohol, or it’s the drugs, I think its your ability to manage your emotions, whether that’s in a relationship, or outside of a relationship at work, some things don’t work out once peoples patience wears, so be brave, be kind, and don’t forget to lighten up. 


[1] https://thebigquiet.squarespace.com

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