blogging, self-love

What Are the Odds? …

You can say that positive things happen momentum based, but that would be putting too much pressure on yourself to keep going at a pace that you may not be capable of sustaining overtime, so accept your bad days as being apart of life, you don’t have to feel good everyday. I think being a good decision maker is apart of things going right for you in life, but that doesn’t mean that you still cant be taken advantage of or made to look stupid, I think it’s a trait of people who are nice, it seems to be a challenge for someone seeing you as someone who thinks highly of themselves, to test you, don’t let it get to you. We all get our feathers ruffled from time to time, either feeling stupid, or looking stupid, and that’s all apart of the dating process, you win some and you lose some, the key is to value yourself. I was told to value myself yesterday, its frowned upon in my household to be modeling or taking selfies, for me its therapeutic, to be happy with the way I look and to be paying attention to when I look well and why and figure out what Im doing right to look that way, at peace and pleasant. With mental health issues, at least for me on meds, you go through a lot of dysmorphia, much like an addict goes through changes in their face and body composition either looked eroded, or clean faced. Right now whats working for me is walking everyday, upping my skin care regime to include serums and buying a quality moisturizer, sticking to Olay (brand) right now, and bought a Tatcha kit and Glow Recipe kit I haven’t started using yet, will let you know. Dating is pictures now a days, how it gets started and how you get picked, so for me, its important to have a few good head shots to represent what I look like right now, and how Im feeling. Generally you shouldn’t judge people based on what they look like, and should not discriminate people based on what they look like, Im someone who looks better in person than in photos, then there are people who look better in photos than in person, Ive always looked overweight in pictures, so its not something that I was ever into growing up, now with filters its more fun to take pictures having more control over what you look like, and I wear makeup now, growing up I never wore makeup only eyeliner. So why is weight-loss important to me, its not about being a certain size to be picked or to look good in a photo, I have the body type that I look the same in photos whether Im a size 12 or a size 2, because Im proportionate, so I will always have the same shape generally maybe just become a smaller version of myself. Weight-loss for me is about feeling good, you have more energy, and its not because of the way you look, weight loss doesn’t mean that you will have a prettier face that’s a whole nother concept, I know last time I lose weight I maybe had a more defined face feature wise, but beauty wise I didn’t really explore what I looked like with more makeup when I was 50 lbs less, which shows that that’s not why I lost weight, also by virtue or the fact that I only have like 5 photos from when I was skinny, means that I didn’t lose weight to be seen, especially naked or in a bikini, Im not a bathing suit person, Ive always been shy about my body and that’s probably because I have a big chest, so showing my body doesn’t come naturally to me, I usually dress covered, I grew up wearing tank tops under my t-shirts insecure about my stomach. So what are the odds of things going right for you in life? For me its all about fitness and energy, I know on meds I feel more tired, less motivated, and more depressed so its hard to get going, it kind of makes you feel frozen, have difficulty getting going, and in the mornings, I have problems getting up and moving, Im sure that will improve overtime, my psychiatrist says in another 3 months, I will be cured of “voices,” I hope so, right now, none. So maybe pen paling is about figuring out, how I connect, when I connect well, the content of my conversations being mindful of, working through therapy issues, either frustration with my condition “voices” and self-harm, and start being the positive self I was when I was running everyday and ran a half-marathon. There will always be a peaceful period in life, before things become difficult that you are made to remember when things are tough and when you feel like you have a hard life, and that’s the place you generally want to get back to, who you were before you got hurt, who you were before you suffered, and who you were when things were going well for you in life and that doesn’t occur by complaining, so bare with me as I make it through this transition in life, when things are not completely perfect for me moving forward. One thing that is working out for me is recently in contact with an ex, who we tried to get back together October 2020, but because of stress related issues and online bullying did not work out, if I am in mental illness and not clear speaking, and not present and positive, its hard to be close to people, and to not come across as not making sense or annoying, and then there is fighting, so Im happy now two years later to be given another opportunity to get back together for marriage, we dated for three years in law school. Its important to give people space so they can get well and I don’t think that that much is always understood of me, people wanting to be close, or expecting more of me, and I don’t think you can have those expectations of people who are sharing online, it’s a lot just to share, so always be happy with what is shared, its difficult to write, so Im not sure what amount of detail is expected or tone to make everyone happy, some people will prefer to hear what you sound like when you are not well, and some will prefer to hear what you sound like when well, I don’t think that people are for experimenting with, I think in general we should all want people to be well and to think well, and I don’t think any amount of suffering should be caused or expected of people, who have done their best to move forward, graduate, and start working again. 

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