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Just Pen Pals …

Just pen pals … I don’t know what it is but for some reason I attract married men. There must be some middle ground that makes it okay for you to be flirtatious with men who are married. It’s not porn but it’s somewhere in between pen paling, you get to log your day, keep them informed of your progress, send flirty videos, it’s all in good clean fun. I think there’s a difference between being loving and being sexual, life’s not always about making one or the other aroused to me I think there’s some kind of a turn off that occurs when you go after someone in a sexual way it’s like your offering yourself to someone in a way that subjects you to rejection. Starting off as friends is the best way to get to know someone and be comfortable with them. For example I have been pen paling with my current pen pal for almost a year now and it just got flirty. I must be in a different place in life to suddenly glow, smile, and pout my lips to me that’s not acting, to be in the mood to be loving. When you’re open to being a certain way with someone that’s what makes them feel loved not all the sexy stuff. It’s about your energy, are you in a good place, are you calm, are you approachable all of those things make it easy for someone to feel loved by you. For example, I’ve been working on my Instagram videos and just got 1500+ views on a flirty video I just sent to my pen pal before watching the new “Gucci” movie with Lady Gaga (which was really good, long, but I recommend seeing it! Everyone was wonderful in the film). -This pen pal is not the first married man I’ve been in communication with, the first married man who liked me was a Wells Fargo banker I met at a Laker Game (2010) I was 24, and a law student at the time, single, maybe a little naïve and experimental too, but he was someone who I enjoyed talking to and felt stimulated by he seemed to say the right things and was very comforting and supportive of me in a phase when I was anxious about my future and rushing all over the place busy, I didn’t know who to hook up with, was courted by many men that summer and for some reason we hooked up after several attempts by him to meet up, I figured because he was married that it was not okay to hook up but I guess there is some wiggle room so long as you know that it’s just hooking up and to respect the privacy of his wife and his family. It was more of him contacting me so I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong, not chasing him. Recently I was asked to visit a friend at work, he’s a soldier, and sadly to my dismay saw a family photo on his desk, I guess he’s married or was married. I told him I was looking for a boyfriend, why I might date my ex instead and not the cute guy from bumble I met. I’m in a different place in life where I’m not available for just sex because of the high standards my mom places on me to not date and thinks it’s sex addiction, to me it’s dating but I guess we differ in terms of what is considered to devalue you, I think being hurt or used and not loved and respected is the kind of disposition that damages you and prevents you from moving forward and being able to date again, which is how this new pen pal helps. I haven’t dated in 3 years, since my last hook up, so I think it’s time to move on, and with a pen pal you get to get all the kinks out, they see all your moods, all your weaknesses, and from there you can work on perfecting yourself so you don’t go through these hurdles in real life, with someone who you probably don’t text a lot with or send photos and videos too, thankfully recent dating matches have been open to seeing my pictures which I enjoy making and sharing. So don’t give up! I’m so happy I found him, and by chance opened up to him about all my fears and bipolar delusions, and slowly things became more and more normal for me sometimes problems don’t go away keeping everything to yourself so I’m glad I found someone who I can trust and who has the resources to make sure that girls like me and bloggers like me can continue to share freely online without being worried about getting hurt. He’s just what I needed and glad to be this new person happy, glowing, and lively – I just feel better I feel like being pretty, I feel like smiling, and I feel like sharing again which is so important for blogging to not hold back, and be yourself.

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