It’s Never a Good Feeling …

It’s never a good feeling when someone expresses their unhappiness toward you. I’ve never met a person in my life who then became unhappy with me and expressed that resentment toward me. This is the first time in my life I have let someone into my life, shared openly with them, been rejected by them, then attacked by them, then blamed as though I did the same to them, I did not, I was loving, I was non-judgmental, I was caring, giving (selfies), and attentive. I think when you move on in life this pisses the person off who things did not work out with. Then they become resentful that you don’t have that chemistry with them that you are able to experience with another. It’s hard to move on after fighting or any bad break up for that matter, even if it’s just own pals and not physically intimate. It’s been two years since I stopped talking to this person, I’ve not blocked many people in my history of writing online, I’ve never had to, no one bothers me or messages me, and if they do it’s in support of me to check on me. I don’t understand why this person has to be mean to me and try to destroy my sense of peace. It’s always when you are doing well that people come around trying to be positive with you, but once there is fighting there is no future for rekindling a friendship or romantic partner in life it just gets worse and happens again and who wants to be controlled by the moods interpretation and temperament of a person who grows unhappy with them the minute they decide that you’re not good enough or giving to them what they want. Live up to your own standards in life and don’t lower your standards to please someone who is easily disinterested with you or takes you for granted. They will know what they have lost once you’re gone, sometimes that’s all it takes for them to realize your value and what you meant to them. When you can’t find better that’s how you know you met a good match in life, no one compares. Pen paling is a really uncommon activity and I highly doubt that there’s another top blogger online who got 17M or 90k views who pen pals on messenger with others. I don’t think famous people let people get that close to them. Usually people are respectful of those who are in the public light, I’m not a politician, I just come from a controversial story, so it’s in my best interests to be likeable and approachable. You never think that someone you allow to be close to you would make you look stupid to the world. And so that’s happened. A nude website, not with my permission, in fact it’s been a very aggravating experience over the past year being threatened and exposed. I think I’ve done a good job so far of moving forward. Maybe I don’t have a paying job but I have a job, a dream job for me writing. I’ve always wanted to be published in a magazine and now that dream is happening for me in life, and I’m really proud of all the work I put into being a writer, practicing on my own blog, what is liked and learned how to talk to people online and find my tone. Being online is about being comfortable with yourself and others, so when I’m made sick or uncomfortable or aggravated that affects my tone, my thinking, and my sense of normalcy, for example yesterday was a bad day and today was a good day, normal. Someone who doesn’t care about your health doesn’t stop when you tell them to stop and doesn’t let up when you say you’re not feeling well, so if me not feeling well is not good enough to convince someone to stop hurting me, then it’s not in my best interests to not be doing well and be further harmed by this person. You know we all have hearts and lives and relationships are not forever. You’re either a fan or you’re not, and you’re responsible for your own heart and making yourself feel good. It’s no one’s responsibility to make you feel good in life and especially not if you’re not happy with them or complaining. I always do my best. You can’t make people talk to you and send you photos, I think under certain circumstances you are able to like people FaceTime, phone call, and text. But having conversations private are about that privacy it’s not a space that needs to be public, I’m different in that I discuss everything public and have difficulty expressing myself out loud talking and in private forgetful or it doesn’t come to mind, but it does come out in writing. Different things will intimidate you in life and for others talking online seems like it would be stressful, it’s the opposite it’s my therapy. So I apologize recently on the blog conversation became directed at who’s hurting me and I understand that if I’m aggravated that causes the reader to read feel insulted as though they are him and that’s not why I’m sharing how I feel to make more of him or convince others that I’ve done something wrong to discontinue talking to someone exposing me, making fun of me, and being disrespectful toward me and my story. A fight is a fight it’s aggravating why it’s better for me not to respond to someone who wants to exchange words until I’m listening to him and until I say things like I want to make him feel good then and let him sex me and send pictures again and I don’t feel like doing that with someone who exposing me online. I’m worth more than that, I have a job, I can work, I can marry, and I can give birth, I’m not trash and no woman is trash that’s not how you treat people who show themselves to you. That’s a favor to you at my own risk, not for everyone to see and judge me. A person who loves you isn’t judging the ripples on your belly, the shape of your boobs, the thickness of your legs, your arms, and what your face looks like, someone who doesn’t know you and sees you naked will see you as stupid, or hyper, or grose, not pretty not respectable not the conservative person you are who is not showy in real life. But that’s the real world there is sex and hooking up and you have to be that person anyways even if it’s in real life you just never think that you have to look at yourself when you’re behaving that way not since iPhone invented the face you camera to take pictures, what you look like standards has certainly changed. The only time I have taken photos of my body started 2017 losing weight Oct 31, 2015 was when I took my first nude photo for a guy I hooked up with in Hollywood, a Hollywood club promoter who asked me to send him pictures, while he was at a Halloween party. I thought that was sweet of him to take my call and to spend time with me by phone. I was around 130lbs at the time down from my usual weight 140s, the only time in life when I was skinny. I was a full time runner, ran everyday at least 20 mins, ran for 1hr 30 days in a row, and ran in sand to Marina del Rey and back a 2hr run, those were my runs, and was very peaceful happy with myself and had no experience with self harm yet in life. Working through voices has presented a huge hurdle in life making it difficult for me to be close to people again it makes you isolate and avoid social interaction you feel frozen feel like staying out and you don’t move around a lot. So I’ve had good years and I’ve had bad years. This year is a year of change and improvement. Still coming up with a daily system that works for me but it’s slow going. I just started a handwritten journal today. To keep track of what I’m going through daily. To figure out how to improve upon what’s working and figure out what’s going wrong for me. I’m also going to therapy 1x a week again, and working on applying for jobs may take another 6 months to a year of applying to find a job paid, Im in no rush, it just takes a lot out of you interviewing and waiting for acceptances. So I might take a lesser paying job entry level in marketing which Im not sharing about, since I lost my last high paying job writing got weeded out in the “practice assignments” paid part of the interviewing process. O well, they said that I could apply again in the future. Still a little slow, that’s the frustrating part of mental health issues is getting going again and getting your gusto back and strength, the ability to do multiple things a day and physically withstand the elements in life without falling apart or off center, stay balanced not drained and all bent out of shape. Maybe just not ready yet, I really can’t handle too much stress and don’t want to work if I need breaks. So it’s really important for me to stay stable and go another 6 months without self harm and hopefully get a year without self harm. That was my goal. I’ve been really positive lately, I enjoy working, I’ve had positive interactions with others, and I’ve even started dating my ex again. So being taken, all the more reason not to waste time and energy on someone making demands of me like I owe them anything, as far as I’m concerned he’s not paying me to help him and he’s not giving me anything in life that I can’t talk to a therapist or psychiatrist about it’s none of anyones business what I go through medically that’s for me to figure out and decide not what my blog is for. My blog is for practicing social skills and sharing what’s working for me to help others get through their problems in life too. Think well of themselves and others, be positive.

04-09-22 (added) – Going back to AA meetings. 👍

Im working with a detective to get godaddy to take down the website and Facebook to take down the fan page, I’ve already submitted complaints and expressed my concerns and how I’ve been affected how it’s affecting my mental health and causing voices. Im not comfortable naked therefore I don’t want people to look at my body it’s taken me years of running to be more comfortable wear tops that flatter me again. I did my best to be loving and to share openly with this person it’s not my intent to fight with someone who is going to expose me to convince others I’m grose looking if subject me to rejections be seen as stupid or a poor decision maker or judge of character. This is an example of a loving relationship in which photos were asked and made and under threat under the condition that if I share he would not expose me and he did so anyways. I’ve since tried to take better pictures I don’t like the way my boobs look or the shape of my body at 180lbs is not fit for nude modeling and causes “bullying voices” making fun of me as though I present naked for attentions or conversations and I don’t I just don’t understand why it’s okay for everyone else but it’s not okay for me to show my body or be feminine I’m not sure what the insult taken is in regards to me my face and body, I’ve since gained 50lbs and focused instead on finishing law school and did not date. Worked on myself. I never stopped running I did start taking different meds. I get very tired and drained from the intensity of the issues through discussion and it’s not my intent for people to see me as sexy or be subject to rejection as though I see myself as sexy or pretending like everything’s okay when things are not okay. When im okay is when I look okay when I’m not well I don’t look well and when I am tired I cannot connect photo video or sing, so those are my limitations it feels like a car is on top of your body heavy is what it feels like writing all day and all night and still getting voices. And that’s an unnecessary burn out that I don’t need to feel from other peoples nervousness for any reason of me not feeling well or modeling video or messaging. I don’t understand why it’s okay for me to be ignored but when I’m expected to be well or if I’m not well I’m supposed to be a different way not tired. Why do people get angry at you when you’re not feeling well, or not clear headed, tired, or too awake, what’s frustrating about a person looking at them that causes one to be angry with me based on what I am doing? Hopefully things will change once I start working and dating in real life.

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