blogging, negative judgment

Keeping a Level Head on Your Shoulders …

I was told to “always be a lady,” its whats been recommended in a quote by Justice Ginsberg, and I think Im forgetting to represent myself well, in the event I am made upset, hurt feelings, or aggravated, it can bring out the worst in you, more masculine traits. One of the main points of being a lady, is about how you are treated, in the event that you become upset, people sometimes are just curious to see or know what you look like or sound like angry, and expect something loud or crazy looking, disheveled, cross-eyed, and mentally ill. And I don’t think that’s what scary about people when they are angry, it will be their energy. As a blogger Im well aware of the inter-connectedness, of being read as a writer writing to a reader, and on messenger, Instagram, its how you are at your resting state that subjects you to criticism, almost as though you are supposed to absorb stress, but not have it yourself, or treat you as though you are carrying a feeling, that others don’t want as connected to you. People are people, they are human beings, not a “disease,” that you can designate feelings to, or complain about feelings “you get from them.” For some reason I think there is a presentation element, that’s not just being consistent its about being yourself, easy on the eye, easy to watch, not offensive to the ear, and not too strong or emotional, and I think I have done my best to be respectful in that way, but when your good graces are encroached upon aggravated by embarrassment, its very upsetting to say the least, to be put down online in that way for negative judgment of you. No one wants people to think poorly of them, let alone have reason to see them as stupid or careless. I am anything but careless, I think I am very thoughtful and careful. Its for the traits you possess that you get attacked to look the opposite, to the chagrin of the wrongdoer. Your peace their playground, and your success, their project for dismantling. It makes no sense to me why when I complain or have a legit concern that I am not helped, I don’t understand that why when I am hurt no one can help me, and I don’t understand that when I file a report, nothing is done to stop someone from hurting me, or those around me. Im not a weapon for your practice of hurting me to see who else is affected. And Im not your toy for mentally disturbing to see what is written or for what I look like or sound like, for the sake of experimentation to learn your limits when someone is going through a difficult period in time, when to stop. And sometimes they don’t stop not until you prove them wrong. Everyone wants to be apart of things when they are going well, and no one wants to be singled out as though they are not apart of what is going well, be treated as an element of shame or disrespect to the Country Code, Entertainment, and where Ideas for companies come from, the basis of whats working for everyone. I don’t think that’s fair to review my work, take an assessment of whats going on in the world, then cast me out to be aloof or out of touch with reality. Im the only one who goes out of my way to meet people, to have talks with people, volunteer, and help raise support of causes without questioning where everyones head is at, its my assumption that everyone cares and is trying to help in their own way, even if it means minding their own business and not getting too involved. To be criticized and embarrassed for involving myself, is trying to make me a catalyst for something wrong to occur, thinking that something bad can occur in the event that I am not doing well, harmed, as though anyone retaliates or responds in response to me or my condition, that’s supporting the wrong causes in life, to see if true, and my life is not worth being tested, over something that I am certain did not occur in that way, nor the death of Bauer’s Father. What is hurtful is when you hurt me to then blame me as though I have always been that way, a source of embarrassment, or baggage to the lives of others. Everyone is fine and doing well, no one needs me, no one is bothered by me, no one worries about me, and no one is affected by me, everyone has lives of their own. My job is to live my life, and not give up, irrespective of who is in my life, or who is being protected not in my life, not to allow whats bothering me to affect others, that’s normal to be alone, when you are facing difficulties mentally and emotionally, sometimes you need time to rest and process. Depending on what the standard is, people feel good by who is doing well, that means they wont feel bad by them, they wont feel brought down by them, and they wont be affected by them, having to explain for them, or try to understand something not worth their time and energy. This is why to do well in life. I realized today upon mass texting, a calm, when you think of others, sometimes that’s all it takes, to put your problems aside, and just be at peace in the moment, and have nothing to talk about or nothing to say. You don’t have to go to war with people trying to start a war with you is the main lesson, that’s how everything falls off center physically and emotionally, at least for me, that is. Someone who is better than you, is not bothered by you, not until you start not doing well, then it becomes annoying, because they are doing their best to be positive and take on responsibilities in life, and not have to worry about you and your problems. People are proud of you when you are doing well, and feel as though you are not focusing on the negative or what has been done to you, and that frees them from blame. People are positive toward you, when you are feeling good, and smiling, and at ease, that makes people reflect upon themselves, instead of being investigatory or judgmental toward you, and quiet acceptance, even if there is some teasing, just to see if you care or are bothered. Its common for fights to occur, when you make things about you, when you take offense to what others are doing or saying, that feeling like you are being encroached upon, is a test, its not permission to become upset, people sometimes don’t care if you become upset, and that’s how invaluable your personal preferences are in life, when people mostly care about themselves, can be a blessing and a curse, its not that they think less of you, its just that they think highly of themselves. So don’t be insulted by those who pretend to not know you, or who have heard of you and your blog, and identity, and don’t wish to be nice to you, and instead see themselves as better than you, and think less of you for blogging in the first place, its not about them either. Coming forward and sharing your story to add some perspective, is effective in gathering respects so that people are given space in life, that’s so innocent people are not treated as guilty. When you treat innocent people as guilty, this causes a loss of respect for them, so that people become offended by their presence, and see them as small encroaching on their sense of peace, rather not wanting to know who they are or identify them. You don’t have to give people space and respect in life, if you don’t think they deserve it, but I have never led a life that was disrespectful to the spaces of others, courteous, keep my distance, and handle things amicably and officially, I don’t run around correcting people, criticizing others, or telling people there is something wrong with them. Theres some fascination with looking down on people, either seeing them and thinking poorly of them, seeing yourself as better than them. Theres some fascination with dismantling people who are doing well in life, myself included, I could be doing everything perfect, graduating, starting a respectable blog, and still be treated as stupid, to devalue me, and make me feel like crap about myself, paranoid. They usually think they have something on you, that they think that you should get in trouble for, or go through your personal account now, looking for guilts to pick you apart as though its deserved, no one has anything on me, everything can go to court! That’s not what being online was for, I wrote everyday for 2 years and then this third year took a break from publishing everyday, and worked on myself privately and in therapy. This was a slow year for me, not as productive as my previous years running everyday and blogging everyday. That test for a crowd response on me, put me at risk of harm, and puts my families reputation and well being at risk of harm, and that’s not deserved, we are not criminal, we are not the mafia, and death occurring is not occurring because of association or knowledge of my families identity or what my identity and blog mean in relationship to the Country Code in general. I was trying to inspire others, and prevent death by suicide alcohol and drug overdose by being an example of someone who went back to normal after getting sick and putting my life back together to show that the feeling is only temporary and can be treated, and that to self-harm or commit suicide is a bad decision that you have to live with for the rest of your life, feeling that way only pushes people away, makes them uncomfortable by you, I think its something that people take personally when you are not happy, or easily bothered, and there will not always be a reason for that or a harm, it could just be living life, in transition, or trying to achieve in life. Its not always time for fun and games. I am in a period in life, when I can finally smile, Im not longer working on my own through issues, and talking to a DA directly which I have been trying to do for years but the DA’s door is locked at #laxcourthouse and so is the Judges chambers. High Profile means (“grave risk of harm to the subjects of those attentions, which if not in the positive, can affect all those who are connected to the name that is being brought down.”) High Profile means that when you bring someone down, that’s society recognizing them as down, and seeing all those who are connected to them as victim of having known them. That is why they condemn people who do wrong, or who mess up, its so that they are to feel bad about what they have said or done, and that’s so people stay away from them, until a person can help themselves, will they recover from what they have done wrong, but you cant go on connecting people to a person, who doesn’t recognize that people who know them can be harmed, if people don’t like them.

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