Aside from what’s been going on recently in the news, I have been doing well, but it’s never easy to hear the news especially when it comes to gun violence it’s something that has always traumatized me.
When life gets tough you’re either someone who stops in their tracks frozen or you do your best to keep going, and for some people it’s not a choice to have disability and to struggle. Whatever side of the spectrum you’re on, we all heal at our own pace.
I just started a new job in law, my first job in law paid. I also recently tried bumble and talked to a few men, and found some matches but don’t feel completely set on the idea quite yet to date, it takes a lot out of you, falling in love and sharing intimacies with others is a very strong bodily feeling of attachment for me which causes a tremendous amount of pain upon detachment. For me sex is love, but I guess it’s not the same feeling for everyone, who’ve kind of been able to compartmentalize intimacies on the basis of their future kind of back away from lengthly commitments that they’re not able to fulfill those roles for others in life. I guess I can relate just as a blogger not sure whether to become a life coach and get certified to work one on one with people, I assume I need to live more life before I can do that for others responsibly. Right now I’m focused on learning how to be a legal assistant and perform well at my job, writing motions, and putting together legal documents, that was my dream, to be a paid writer, so I’m right on track and so lucky to have found a job. It’s a very challenging position, I’ve only taken one course in advanced legal writing and received an A, so it’s been awhile, but this is my forte, what I enjoy doing legal research and writing, so I look forward to getting the hang of things. So far so good.
Privately, even if it’s just chatting, nowadays I’m trying to be more careful over who I talk to. Probably why I prefer a make-believe-relationship online over a real one, but can learn to partake in both kinds of loving others. I don’t feel good by most and I’m not sure what the reason for that is, maybe I just prefer to be to myself. I’m not one to get excited in life, I’ve always downplayed my gifts in life even if it’s just posture and how I dress covered, or wearing makeup, I didn’t start wearing makeup until after law school never in college either. I never felt the need to show off or to attract attentions to me, probably because I lived alone, so to me, being out in public has always been a chore to make myself up and be out in public, I feel like I’m performing on stage any time I’m around others, even if it’s just talking or making a video. I’ve always been one to need my alone time to rest and recharge and get drained upon socialization need to nap or take rest.
I may be shy, but I’m proud of myself and usually not intimidated by others even if they’re rich or successful. Theres a thing called “inferiority,” if you have it raise your hand. It’s like a trait embedded in some of us who shell up around hot people or become quiet around noise, and talkative people, the automatic audience to the outgoing types.
You’ll find your balance in life, including your yin yang counterparts, those who you blend well with, and when in Rome, just do your best to blend in too, that’s the best way to offset any out there arguments over energy, transference, and racism, like people not being able to be in the same room as others or else eachother will be one eachother, that’s not proper science, segregation. And so that’s how mental health issues feel.
I was always a top athlete MVP of my club soccer team at camp, captain of the varsity soccer team and volleyball teams, best female athlete of my graduating class, and top of my Sociology class I think I had a 3.8 cumulative gpa at CU, at one point before drinking started at age 21. I never had disability, maybe learning disability (in the slow reading group in elementary school, I used to get zeroes on my ERBs in Kindergarten), but I was always active and social and popular I always had friends. So it made sense for me to blog. I usually make friends anywhere I go. Its only because of addiction and getting in trouble that I stay home and stopped talking to everyone, but I’m sure that was just a phase in life to get well, and to keep going in life.
So just be yourself … you are you and you will always be you, so don’t do anything that you could not love yourself over, such as making mistakes in life, or abusing your bodies letting people do whatever with you. I know you’re online but that doesn’t mean that you have to wear yourselves thin connecting with others and being seen in life. It’s about having a life, it’s not always about sharing your life or creating content for your blogs, if it doesn’t serve the best interests of others to benefit their intellect or your own. A lot posting is about who wants to hear from you. That’s the attraction to posting, it’s when you’re not good enough for others, you’re bound to find people who genuinely like you online and follow you, no matter what you look like or no matter what your circumstances are.
So try to keep it positive especially at a time like this. Writing for work I realized that I am able to read and apply what I’ve learned to my own work, not just for blogging, but write in a more structured way which is what I was trying to do with my blogs but fall off center from time to time. Although it’s painful to have discussions about mental health issues it can be life saving to hold discussions rather than to keep things to yourself. Life’s not about stating the obvious and being obnoxious it’s about not offending others and saying what matters to you and hopefully what makes sense to you makes sense to others. Sometimes issues are not obvious and it’s not until you share your part and what you think that people can either accept or reject your life philosophy and what’s working for you. You’re not required to write about everything but I try, I barely remember constitutional law I just know you can’t make statement identifying groups it’s best to speak to all than to talk about few. So to me that’s what makes you popular online it’s not about shoving secrets into people by secreting information to others that’s bound for discomfort and headache it’s about what can be said in public that even #laxcourthouse won’t complain about me or others talking about.
I feel like life’s a contract that you are expected to just accept and accept others and it should be until you can’t accept anymore, that’s when things are too much, I don’t believe in the secrecy of people knowing you or who you are and feeling good about not letting you know that, it would be nice to have more real conversations in life that’s acceptance when you or the other doesn’t have to hide something they know when someone can’t speak openly with you and has to hide things from you that interferes with intimacy if actually makes you more distant socially and romantically. So it’s better to be open about your feelings than be limited to pressures from others to accept and accept like that’s the way things are… you don’t have to force yourself to believe anything that someone else thinks, if you don’t feel that or see the world in that way, then you don’t have to accept the stresses of others which means you don’t also have to be limited by those beliefs either.
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