When Trying to Get Help …

Sometimes in trying to get help we are harmed or put in harms way, anyone else not knowing what you are up to, feel so threatened by you opening up to the police or to a government official. There are no sides in life to be disrupted when you choose to confide in someone that you trust, usually people who are trustworthy, are not interested in prosecuting people who have done someone wrong, but rather doing their best to help steer that person back on course in life, such as myself. When I mentioned on my Instagram “sorry that I lost my stride,” I was referring to the first four weeks of work, being strong after my Father’s passing, and working as he wanted me to, maybe I was not ready yet, but I surprised myself and functioned much better than I had anticipated. 

For years I have been struggling to finish law school, so maybe it was easier to see me in that way, someone who was not working, but it was encouraged that I work anyways. No one does things out of insult, I was not insulted by “Kim Kardashian’s comment” I would not have cited to it, if it did not inspire me to try harder, and see the positive intent in motivating people to work, despite what their obstacles are in life. So to me its meaningful in a humorous way to not be offended and for it to actually be describing something that Im working through at the moment, applying for jobs and going back to work. Who has time for fighting, I don’t. 

The other night came as a surprise to me, to be surrounded by 3 cop cars, which I mentioned on my Instagram, I intended to talk about it, and usually when something is shared briefly, its because that’s all I had to say about it at the moment. Sounds like one of those moments in life, you either get what you have coming toward you in life, or its to the delusion of others that you are up to no good, or headed elsewhere in life. I was given the option to discontinue my Instagram, but to me, it tracks my progress and represents what I represent as a person online, and without some direction I don’t think that people would know how to interpret me online, if I did not share some things in short with others, to get a big picture of what Im doing online, and my progress. I had shared a few of the videos that I had made outside #toddspitzer’s house, I made 39 videos, recording myself talking. Later talking to police, it was not made clear whether that was his house, so I guess I’ll leave that up to the police to know, not something I should know, had I not talked to #toddspitzer outside of his house, would not have known he lived there. 

Lately, I have been struggling with mental health issues, trying to not talk to someone who has been harassing me, I would not call it that if it did not change or configure my head and voice octave to look and sound different upon insult, or being bereated with negative commentary as though I deserved such unwanted pressures in life. I think Im well spoken, and even when upset I still make sense, I think its just my face that’s looks grose or angry or upset, but never my voice tone. For some reason it has to do with my femininity, what is tolerable or likeable and what type of face gets attacked or gets voices. This is something I am learning overtime. 

In talking to the police, my face sharpened up, and I looked more like myself. The light with blaring in my face, and could not see anything except for the police officer who was talking to me. They took my keys and drivers license, and put my keys on top of my car, and told me that I would be allowed to get my keys back after speaking with them, they let me go home after talking to them for an hour. I think it was a good idea that we spoke, I went to the DA’s office and spoke to an officer in the waiting room they let me in, so its been a discussion that I have wanted to start talking with them about anyways, in the event I am harmed, or in the event that someone else is harmed, what is there that can be said, to allow people to go back to normal, and not feel under threat or made scared by the actions of others. Which while discussing, was agreed that it would be a good idea for me to “continue my education.” 

I removed a post because I did not sound like myself, and whenever I bring up issues with regards to losing power and how that occurs, its by how I feel misrepresented by people who come into my life and who put me down in life, as though I was a poor representation of them, to make themselves appear higher, this was one thing that I video’ed why is it okay to punish me to make other people feel better about themselves, and okay for others to hurt me, and for no one to say anything or help prevent someone from hurting me, why is that allowed? I can’t even talk to the DA’s office in Los Angeles, they have not helped me, and the Detective is not able to solve my case, and to forward my complaint to the DA to help solve who is hurting me and why. People will think that they are invincible if you allow people to be so convinced that what they are doing is right or who they are hurting deserves to be hurt, and to me that just creates a mixed basket of emotions around a person such as myself, who can neither please others, and can’t seem to stay out of people’s way. This only gets worse the less confidence you have, and the more you struggle, the easier it becomes to be intimidated by others, or made to seem smaller than others. 

There’s really no leadership when it comes to taking a backseat to bullying, its as though they think they know better, but when things get worse, suddenly back off depending on what the issue is, either benefit from you not being sick, or feel stronger in the event that you are feeling sick or not doing well, as though that’s some force other than God that is putting you down in life and making you suffer, that they either seek to reinforce and not try to help make things better, no one goes out of their way to check on you when tensions are high, that’s not a condition that anyone can sit with you through or make better. When you get put down in life only you can lift yourself out of harms way, and that’s the lesson. 

I’m upset that The Prime Minister of Japan was assassinated. And I would like to not think that my life has contributed in anyway to those resentments held at this time, toward any shooters in life, those are not my beliefs in life, Im anti-violence anti-gun violence, and I don’t need to live anywhere in order to make that statement about me true, and where I live should not be viewed in that way either, if that’s where the negative resentment is coming from, its not coming from my neighborhood, or by how anyone is treating me but mostly from whoever is going through my phones and looking at my pictures and videos, trying to condemn me, as though I don’t know how to manage my own life, and communicate to others. This is not something that needs to be kept secret who I am, where I live, or where I am working, I am not someone who does things to get people to think something, I am not political I was born into a family, and I was born connected to another family, and I lived my life as I was, and after sharing who you are, that’s when it becomes about what things look like, and there is nothing that I have don’t to change what people think of my by changing face or appearance in life, I have tried to lose weight, wear makeup, fix my face, and take meds, and that’s about it. I will always be the same person, a tomboy at heart, and will always be loving, someone for long term relationships, that’s who I am, I am not someone who passes through life or passes through the lives of others leaving my mark or being unforgettable, Im the type of person who enters your life, who you don’t need, and know of, and can can refer back to in the event that you have questions in life, or want to hear from someone who has been through difficult experiences in life, without having to admit yourself that you have been through difficulties too, this is how people get better, without having to be me in life, and feel benefited having heard from me. -It seems like everything became too much after Thursday, I have been asleep all day for three days, and have not been able to move, so that’s upsetting, that everything is too much on me, and need to figure out what is causing that, and who is going through my things or touching my things, to cause my head to hurt, which means that I need to work on my privacy, so that I can pick up my own life, and not try to resume my life picking up and touching things that someone else is viewing and then have my head hurt, if its something not shared online, or if shared, for my head to hurt because its being viewed in the negative. I think when you think police you think that Im angry or upset, I think I share based on what my life looks like and based upon how I am treated and maybe that’s hard for others to hear if Im made to self-harm or become suicidal, and maybe that means that other people don’t care and make sure that’s its not their problem in the event that Im not feeling well or have been harmed. How can you explain that to others, without them not feeling hurt that you’ve been hurt its not something that you talk about when someone sees you doing well then tries to flip everything into you not doing well not sounding well to hear what you have to say as though its coming from someone mentally ill whos reality is not that way just to hear you confused or sound sick in the head or talking about life and mental health as though you have not healed from what has gone wrong in the past and moved forward in spite of the mental health issues that’s are caused to you. 

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