By the time you’ve made it through your darkest hour and light is beginning to shine back into your life don’t get ahead of yourself by putting too much pressure on yourself or others, the expectation of you is high however your expectations of others should not enter your mind, who you need to focus on is you while earning back trust and respect and it’s a long road ahead depending on what the causes were for a distaste toward you or disappointment. This is something a relationship can’t fix not talking to #toddspitzer, my new friend, or the police, people can be there for you like family, but keep the weight to yourself so to speak. Everyone has resentments of their own and although you’ve not made life any easier having to support you or be patient with you during times of recovering and while changing meds or getting treatment for schizophrenia, your timing is up to you how long it will take to rebuild your life, some left in disability and are not afforded second chances in life and I think I got lucky through journaling, blogging, talking to the courts, writing letters on messenger, being kind to others, not complaining about the past or punishments or negative judgments, and just shared what I know and who I am even if that was the best I could do. Once you disappoint it’s hard to undo that harm others hurt or disinterested by you, it’s hard to understand why you don’t feel good and don’t be surprised when people take that personally usually nothing to do with them and more to do with your outlook and ability. It’s always hard to believe how things were when you were not well and we don’t always know the causes for schizophrenia I certainly don’t and never asked to be not through drinking or dating and I’m sure those who have passed through my life never intended to hurt me and likewise would have preferred that I was thinner more successful more put together and that’s something we all strive for to be a good partner in life lift others not bring others down in life. While you might not feel the lift about me getting a job it lifted my family and while you might not see the lift in getting to finally talk about less serious things in a calm space was an achievement talking to #toddspitzer probably my biggest downfall and now something I have to keep in mind talking to my new friend, someone I’ve reached out to on occasion usually when I’m not doing well this was the first year that I’ve made improvements socially being able to present myself for dating I haven’t had a sleep over with a guy since 2013, it’s been 10 years. So I think I’ve waited long enough … to earn a match even if it’s just for right now, only god knows what I deserve in life and to have a companion in life will take a lot of effort on my part to be independent emotionally and mentally where I’m able to help more than I need help at this point and with the amount of counseling and training I’ve received with meds therapy AA and journaling I think I can manage privately things I used to go on and on about with #toddspitzer on messenger it’s nice when you get to a point finally and have nothing to say, that’s a good sign means that you have time to think and not guilty or being treated guilty like you’re in a rush or somethings cooking beneath you hellish, no one wants to feel a hellish chaotic energy or pressure on them or worry others, everyone wants to feel good meaning “be good” that brings out the best in others not your troubles or by harping on negatives which is what psychoanalysis of getting voices sounds like someone who has real life interactions hellish, I don’t everyone is nice to me no tough energy toward me or upset or purposefully ignoring me like I’m not getting the picture or a waste of space, occasionally I get talking through me, like last night headphones on smoking on the sidewalk someone walked by and shouted I’m assuming that person has issues and whether I respect that space of theirs to feel that way it’s not in my best interests to get into why assuming the negative or lend insight to a negative interpretation not true. You have to be tough to be me there are many phases of others getting to know you, ignoring you, lots of confidence, distance, disappointment, skepticism, punishment, anger, resentment, disbelief, but with disability no one credits their disappointment with you to “schizophrenia” or “self-harm” I can tell you this much it doesn’t matter what meds I’m on if you cannot manage the symptoms well and work towards not allowing for them knowing triggers and doses then it can happen again just like bipolar it’s a condition it passes, best to weather the storm take meds then overly invest yourself in giving up no condition is permanent I’ve always believed in the ability for the body to heal itself. Self-harm only occurred upon frustration from being hospitalized felt embarrassed and worse afterward and didn’t want to show my face it go to any support group because I felt like I was normally tired zoned out to myself and that’s normal for me to stay up sometimes thinking it now writing which no one understands. Or upon being threatened and bullied that can aggravate my condition to cause me to not feel good or give up. No one likes adderrall but if I don’t take day meds I sleep all day, I prefer to be writing and working not sedentary at home like I’m a person to keep away from others like my disability affects them or their odds and chances in life for dating likes love and friends I promise you that if you are more important than me you can have anything you want and I can have less I honestly wouldn’t care if I was alone for the rest of my life I’ve dreamt love I’ve tried to love I have loved and if it won’t happen for me because of my diagnosis then what is there to complain about when there are better people to love who are healthy who don’t make you feel bad for them or think poorly of them or others, no one expects you to be my doctor and figure out what’s wrong with me that’s your job as a patient to pay attention to what you can do to be better not the job of others to get frustrated over why you are not well performing high functioning making $20 an hour and able to afford $2000 rent and $1000-$2000 in food gas bills etc shopping. You know if I stay well I can be on my way to that if I allow the stress to get to me then I lose motivation. You have to want to improve so don’t allow others instincts or impulses or judgments if how you take care of yourself to affect you people will always want better expect better and expect you to pay for the years you were a “disappointment” without a job sometimes that’s not your fault in all the years you applied before disability and it’s also not your fault if you date or drink if you are threatened or insulted or attacked in life for your failures blamed for your own failure as though it’s not disappointing hurtful and devastating to be yourself and not be where you want to be in life let alone anyone else.
(1) Work $16/hr until I can work full time.
(2) Work 5 days a week with fewer hours off.
(3) Take only 1-2 mental health days/month.
(4) Submit ideas and blog articles for Level 21.
(5) Be professional again & blog 5-7 days/week.
(6) Attend 1-2 AA meetings a week for consistency and accountability and social skills be around people not paranoid or uncomfortable and pay attention better to the speakers listen until I’m confident enough to share too, keep it short.
(7) Figure out how to be in a dating relationship what is or is not expected of me, be normal.
(8) Stay friends with #toddspitzer even if things feel difficult right now to accept what is real to me companionship wise & now in real life.
(9) Work towards being deserving of hugs and kisses and continue to prove myself worthy of hugs and kisses by being helpful online not moody or talk too much about voices.
(10) Call the police less unless I’m feeling completely isolated or bullied in life and have no way of getting out of rumor or disappointment up fix on my end what it is I’m doing wrong to get along better with others so they don’t feel burdened by associations like I’m illegal or not legal or unethical or not traditional by the book when I work and talk to people.
You were born #scotus says God will give you $hit to do one day for payment for your services. If you choose to live casually #scotus is keeping all babies if you can organize someone to touch you in life means you are liked and can get a job too. Just be honest with whoever your life coach or advisor is and follow directions until your instincts are back to normal not scared of life anymore there is always time to live all you need are friends a job family and a home so don’t juggle too much and lose everything and work hard to earn each bit of privilege you get and that’s how the stress of inability leaves you and ability comes back when less is on your back less is in front of you difficult the less pressure is on you over the past or your present why to keep busy and not let depression get to you take meds see a doctor and function again or sober up. #humor
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