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Without a Job …

Without a job life is difficult, hard to get through the day and keep busy stay motivated, and hard to talk to others when you are not made to be proud of yourself, and it doesn’t get easier with a job, the better you feel the worse the judgment, no one ever really feels sorry for anyone who they think looks healthy, its assumed someone who looks healthy has it easy in life, when actually the real threat occurs when you are well and people are not nice to you once you have arrived back to a normal place in life, there will always be differences in life, you just hope that none of those differences are issues that people have with you personally. What does it mean to be apart of, when I first started blogging I thought it would be nice for others to get to know me, and then there are phases when you don’t want people to know you or the people who you think know you, don’t respect you, or treat you differently had they not known you, and that’s being known, all the discomforts are true, so either you can be yourself with others knowing you unphased or you are affected by what people think of you having access to knowing you online, what your face looks like, what you sound like, who you knew growing up, and what you look like now. Most I feel sometimes don’t really care that you have been hospitalized, don’t understand it, or think less of you. In an ordinary world where people are not bloggers or influencers online, they get to enjoy the privacy of their lives, and for people to treat them as they come, usually you are nice to people who are nice to you, that’s how things were, and I feel like things are beginning to be that way again, it just takes time. Most people don’t have to call the police to talk, or hire an attorney, or get sued, most people aren’t given a hard time in life, most people aren’t pulled over and questioned, and most people are not taken to the hospital, at what point have things become too much for you, and at what point have things become too much for others and why? You always wonder, what is too much about me or so shocking about writing online, why is one not allowed to talk about life, or whats bothering them, or not making sense to them, at what age can you not ask questions in life and be expected to know everything. I think I went through a lot of difficulties in life, obesity, and face dysmorphia, not to mention head and neck injury form hitting my head hearing voices, but Im hoping to recover and not look like a Schreck doll anymore. Hopefully things will change for me, on the meds that Im prescribed, and not lose face, and get my face structure back and sharpness, without relying on meds to help me like gabapentin and cogentin, I was once prescribed for face movements, moving my face too much, or for my face dropping. I think having a celebrity best friend is what has made me intriguing or easy to work with, there are so many like me, who may have similar issues or even celebrities themselves, facing their own fears about what others think, and I am no different. I don’t think that its shocking that I didn’t finish my JD, I was 3rd in my class to start with a 3.0 and somehow towards the end, lost momentum, and probably could have focused more on my studies and not marriage, and that’s my own fault, for being in a relationship, when it was doing well in school that made me feel good and competent, that’s where your drive comes from, from what you are able to do well, and that’s how confidence is made, when you are able to figure out how to do well at something that challenges you, explains how blogging turned into a career for me in between finding jobs internships and now a paid position. Im not sure what my goals are in life right now, depends on how well I do as a paralegal and whether there are jobs for me to grow in in the future, or whether this is an isolated opportunity to work by my means with flexible hours, and pays well. If its really about not finishing my JD and looking like a drug addict or brat, mentally ill, then I can save my money and finish the rest of my JD and transfer credits, I was already accepted to California School of Law online JD program, so that’s possible, and try to take the bar, Im not sure whats holding back respect and treatment in life. Right now Im just in shock that it was recommended to keep applying for a paid position, and with support, someone to talk to, advisement from my Dad to apply, and based on my grades in Law School where I just got my Masters in Law with a 3.2 I was already getting more interviews, so just needed the confidence to keep applying until I found the right placement. Towards the end of the last application cycle I was getting second interviews and offers, so that’s a good sign. My issue with ability is feeling good, so maybe start running again everyday push myself, that really seemed to keep me motivated for blogging everyday. Dating has also gone successful lately, that is if I stay on track and have the motivation to date a person, I don’t really have the energy for most things, so if I easily tire I don’t continue to pursue a relationship with someone if Im not in the mood mentally or going through something personally in between makes it difficult to maintain overtime, and get back in touch. Fixing yourself requires a lot of focus on yourself, you don’t really even have the time and energy to date anyways at 37, so if it happens it happens if not its not a big deal anyways, how I see it. Im not getting bullied anymore, just by voices, but not sure what about, have been throwing up in my sleep, from an ulcer, which is annoying and hasn’t happened since last July on clozapine and off day meds, drooling in my sleep, water pouring out of my mouth onto my pillow I had to put a towel down, why I stopped the med, was assured that eventually the side effects would go away. Hate has that effect on you, whether you intend to be put in a b%tching order in life or not, I guess that’s just standard of disrespect to teach people who are not wanted to be convinced that they are defective and a burden to others, therefore an annoyance, people figure that if people don’t like you, that you are a nuisance or something that causes rejection, why you tend to not have people in your life if you don’t have a job, friends, or in a relationship, it really took #toddspitzer to undo that luck in life, not be put in a b$tching order in life, denominated in life as though I have done others wrong, or left the wrong impressions, or make others not feel good, what about me not feeling good, and people looking at me, like Im unimportant or something bothersome. You know that tends to be the standard to a b$itching order in life, or the pathway to gay in my respects, that if you are not the one favored, then you are the one rejected, and if you are not the one admired, then you are not the one tended to, and if you are not the one they are fond of or empathize with, then they view you as someone who stands in the way of their goals, or views you as being internally dysfunctional and not an appropriate influence to bring good luck to others like you, view you as someone who causes rejection and therefore blamed, no one wants to be associated to someone who has mental health issues. If you went to law school they don’t feel sorry for you, think that its something to do with privilege or drugs or alcohol, they don’t understand how insults can affect your self-esteeem and cause you to flip out and let others win, for them that’s their version of rising above to put you beneathe them, partly because they think theyre better than you once anyone can establish there is something wrong with you, defective about your thinking, accuse you of wrongdoing, or label you something blasphemous, to make people think that they are better than you, to feel sorry for others in your life, as though you are those things, and that’s how people get beaten up in life including myself, which is more than being b$itched around in life, sleeping on concrete and then sent home the same night. For what its worth, I didn’t want to live life after that experience, I didn’t feel good, I got voices, and I continued to stay home and punch my head everytime I got voices, if that’s what people think of you, then why should I live? I wondered. What have I done wrong to have problems in life to be treated that way. While everyone is walking around naked and having sex and drinking and doing drugs and partying, what have I done wrong not dating not drinking, not partying, staying home and working on finishing law school? I would have hurt far less had I partaken in more activities and secret lives and experiences in life, to be treated as normal, people just want something on you anyways. Its for when you start doing well to destroy you and say that you don’t deserve to be well, you know you could take everything away from me, I could not get married, I could call the police and give my kid to the courts, I would always do the right thing if it meant making other people happy for me to have nothing. I would even leave boyfriends, and stopped talking to friends, that’s how I am, I step away.

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