attitude, exposure, happiness

The Type of Person I Am …

Visiting OCDA Office, this is day 2, of visiting, I think I have stopped by twice before, so this may be my 4th or 5th time visiting the office, just sitting outside, Ive been walked into the building once to talk to a police officer at the front desk. 

Getting your life back post punishment is difficult, being who I am, I would have never expected to have been treated as someone on the outside, but that is what happens to you in the event that your life is ruined and you are made to live a life with people thinking differently of you. 

Respect has never come easy to me, I grew up never a troublemaker, and always popular, an athlete, hosting end of the year parties at our home on Rockingham, and in middle school and high school being a meet up for my classmates, those of us who hung out after school, and a place that people would hang out and come over in the event that there was nothing else to do, always welcomed people over to my house, that was how I grew up. 

I think nowadays it matters who you knew, but never thought that way growing up, that’s not how we made friends and kept friends, you either had friends or you didn’t, and I was never one of them, and if I didn’t have friends, I had friends from other schools who I felt comfortable with and close to, so I never thought twice about popularity or how many friends I did have, no matter what grade they were in, I always felt connected. 

Staying well is important, with mental health issues things change for you, not only how you feel but influences what people think of you, and coming from a big story this can take its toll on your psyche, being less comfortable around others than finding yourself apart of. The goal of blogging is to be more approachable, if I had problems that were hard to say, or shocking then I would not be blogging online, but I guess the “sex issues” that others have with you, can make it difficult to be yourself online, and also be yourself intimately with others. 

I get the feeling sometimes its by what things look like is how you are treated, people taking the lead off of hints and clues by others who know you in common, so as to direct attentions toward you or to other issues, whether you assimilate to that type of treatment of others, is not for any of us to say is the right or wrong way to treat people, I guess there will always be standards of leadership when it comes to approaching subjects to feel apart of who is at peace, rather than to trust someone who we declare is not at peace, or has something within to be directed attentions away from, or wrongfully accuse of upon focus, misdirects lucks or good fortune, not someone you can bet on, or reliable, meaning for things to work out, you depend on others, and to be considered a dependent, meaning not independent means that I have been changed to rely upon others, and when it comes to trusts and burdens, its not the most empowering position to go by others, or to seem as though you are weak, or because of punishment blaming your own disability on how you are led, or what you are led to believe in life, certainly you are not one of them, being a dependent.

I was thinking about medications recently, I don’t like my new diagnosis of “schizophrenia” I think it has caused more people to attack me, than it has caused people to back off or to have compassion for me. Based on how things are these days, a lot of learning about how to behave towards others and come to accept the disabilities of others means to accept things the way they are or to accept others for who they are and not always be led by our feelings and emotions when it comes to understanding others, with mental health issues, its easy to be wrong about others, and its easy for our intuitions and feelings to fail us, if we are not quick to decipher what is coming from us, let alone others, so learn to give things some breathing room, if you are ever made to question or second guess yourself, or your “feelings” about others. 

I just missed my monthly shot of Invega, I was doing well, and then experienced a change in life, integrating a new person into my life and having to explain to them my limitations, who has harmed me, and what Ive been going through, its difficult to let people into your life, if they would be put at risk of harm, being in your life, for others to mistreat them or respect them less, and this is how I have been affected by defamation. 

When people believe others but do not believe you, that means that they think you are wrong, when people feel more like them and not like you, and you are the one writing, that makes you wonder, why am I writing to be understood or for more people to feel less inclined to be upset, if someone is convincing others that I am not who I am in writing, there is no way to lie in writing, it is clear from the onset whether by feeling there is depth and honestly to it, or if it is being led by argument or defense, this is not something that can be hidden through writing, not in any respects. 

I think its by how you describe others, that you are made to look bad, looking back, its by what you mention, when someone feels harmed, automatically it is perceived to be your fault, and if in the event you are harmed, you will not be viewed as having been harmed if you are made to look bad either by punishment or by what is said about you, and that’s hard to rectify and make better about you, not until you are better. This is how a new diagnosis is not helping me, I think on any meds I would do well and be compliant, I think I have a lot to overcome in terms of feeling good, and a lot about feeling good means looking good, and I have had my fair share of discrimination because I did not look good and feel good. 

A recent revelation is how things look, whether it’s a type, or something that is changed not by me, what causes the head to go, for the majority we view someone half gone as guilty, someone who cannot think or speak for themselves as having done something wrong or for others to think they have done something wrong, can affect how you communicate so that’s what that demonstrates, if you are not able to focus, and feel good about what you are doing and pay attention to how things look, then someone will not hire or date you if you cannot figure out what it is about you that seems off, usually you can fix these things about yourself, hopefully not purposefully done, to see what affects you, but usually its something done to you that you cant see that can affect your own stability, your head being gone, and maybe that’s the experiment with me to be treated as someone who is behind the scenes different than I appear online, I think Im the same everywhere, either improved or seem less than a regular persons tolerated crisp appearance, which I have not been able to achieve yet, seldomly. 

I had difficulty transitioning, when the times called for focusing on someone new in my life, and get a good read on how to reach stability based upon this new person in my life, other concerns at bay rose, which interfered with my ability to be at peace and to not have anything to say, when the cooker is set to on, this is force you out of your shell, so that you are made to leave your place of comfort, either the person who is eliciting for this response does not believe that you deserve to be well or at peace, or there guilts not yet distinguished by you that others are assuming you are not aware of are pointed at you, or assumed to be a product of your making, this is when it’s a good time to focus on yourself. 

When focused on yourself, this is not you trying to figure others out, its you trying to figure out your place in life and where to go from here, while others may have less sympathy for a person whos brand or name or face or disposition is viewed to exude the wrong influences in life, based on what is said about you or how you are portrayed and what is known about you, less respect given, the more guilt is assumed. For someone who is temperamental, or defensive, or bipolar, or schizophrenic, its almost as though it’s a situation for brace yourself, or be confronted and not confront others and cause others to question themselves, when things go wrong in the news, I believe it’s a situation that if you are not questioning yourself you are reminded to, as though you are not someone privied to ask questions in life, or be given a solution to what youre unclear of. Often times when you don’t feel included, things will be more clear to others than yourself in life and that’s just how things are when more people know you, than you have had the opportunity to meet in life. Getting to know the world, and the time it takes for others to get to know you is valuable, and time worth spent, not rushing into things, the more people know you, the more its about you getting sized up in life, that much you have to accept, than you sizing up others, allow people to be bigger than you, you’ll find more respect allowing people to be free of unwanted thoughts or pressures, and hopefully the last person they expect it to be coming from is you.

Tonight I worked up the courage to call the FBI and spoke to them on a recorded line, to voice my concerns, I called the LA District Attorney’s Office and left a voicemail, and will continue to call until my concerns are heard, so I am not made fun of, or viewed to have set unrealistic expectations or grievances that are made up in my head and not real or deserved. I guess my sense of peace doesn’t matter, when two Agents came to my home, to tell me they were from Todd Spitzer’s Office, his office told me that they did not work there, it then became a pattern I noticed, by name of the Officer assigned to me, his google search and theirs. I was told “its not going anywhere” I guess my happiness, and sense of stability feeling protected doesn’t matter, everything a joke, working for LADA VWAP was putting myself in Victim Witness Protection if you didn’t get the joke, its not about me being drawn to people who are harmed, its about me being strong, and not allowing myself or others to be harmed, and I guess that is the power that was taken from me, where people feel safe by me, suddenly a person who is viewed to let other things into mind or their lives which they choose to expedite and remove themselves of steer clear from, whats going on internally with me, accuse me of spreading misinformation or bad decision making internally to others, as though my barometer and judging meter is out of whack or not in tune with what others want to see happen for themselves and others. Fox News quickly ran a story about “fake secret service agents” seemed similar to the two men who showed up at my house to confront me about reaching out to Todd Spitzer, who I felt was a good match to share my story to, and meet, because he has a relative with schizophrenia. So it’s not by person or status that I open up, its by the severity of the circumstances educational and professionally that I have experienced struggle not socially or romantically, so if there is ever a question about whether Im talking to the right person, its because it is too much to be treated on the outside to circumstances, code or politics, and I can take a joke, its when you are no longer important that it usually occurs, or just coming up, and hazed in, but there is a brief moment when you are allowed to shine in acceptance of you, and that was just now, I considered wearing a white dress to my birthday, I knew that that moment of peace would not last, when everything feels special, unfortunately for me, those moments don’t last long, same with my mental health, everything is too much on my head, I understand what is too much, so what hurts is for my story to appear that way, I get that others just want to feel like everythings okay and Im not one of those people who spoils the fun or does not allow for everything to be okay, and that’s not how IMDb works or jobs, its not instant by popularity, its about how much have you dealt with and processed to be where you are, or whether you have a long ways to go to process, and sometimes what is not viewed to have been processed by you, will be made to happen to see how you feel or look guilty, and what is your fault moving forward, and I would never purposefully offset my own misgivings in life, to make anyone else appear to have bene in the wrong, if it is viewed that my influence is wrong, or discoveries about face, who you are thinking of, who is thinking of you, and what you look like, matters, then I would have never shared about it, if it was something that I already knew, so to get close to affect how my head feels or to hurt my heart and my head by insult while dating, or by others, is not okay to hurt me. Its not okay to hurt my head, its not okay to hurt my feelings, and its not okay to see what I look like when upset, and its not okay to test my tolerance or temper, because of what is viewed based upon a personality that was given to me by torment and torture brought out of me, the first time I hit my head was slamming my head into the bathroom tile wall as a child locked myself in the bathroom chased in, I grew up being called “retarded” my whole life, and not included or embarrassed and made fun of and rejected in front of my Brother’s friends, and I never had a big head, or assertive, and it never hurt my feelings, most popular anyways, the point at which that starts to affect you, is when you start questioning others. I think Ive done a good job of figuring out everyones disposition in life, and keeping my problems to myself, I think Ive done a good job of letting everyone live life, and take meds, and take care of myself. Im sad that I was treated as sick for so many years, and I don’t think its fair to be put on medications that make me sleep all day, or not be able to work, I would like to start working if I can prove that there is nothing wrong with my thoughts, and move forward. I did not start getting voices until abilify, I think its when Id ont feel good I get voices, or when I don’t look good I get voices, or based on what they are trying to prove about me get voices, and this is how you wind up with less, when every new relationship is sabotaged by someone who is not a match trying to be in your life, and affecting what you have to talk about in life, and how you feel.

I think I am going to find a new psychiatrist and a new therapist who support me and treat me as normal, please bare with me as I have to save money to afford to pay a new psychiatrist who will prescribe both day meds and night meds, and work on bonding to a new therapist.

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