negative judgment, personal statement

What is Success? …

I was lucky enough to hear of Todd Spitzer’s name on NBC before driving to a Treatment Facility for Mental Health issues (it’s dual diagnosis and also a Rehab) I went to a house instead of UCLA because they did not have any bed’s available. I usually go to the hospital when I’m not feeling well and that’s the suggested course of action, to put me on a hold for 14 days, and be taken off day meds, that’s been standard, this year I was instead diagnosed with “schizophrenia” and put on meds Invega and Clozapine for a year.

  • To make it clear, I texted Todd on my way to Treatment, before the shooting.
  • I sent a letter to the White House website, 2008 before attending Law School.
  • I messaged the President before the White House was shot at.
  • Not knowing why the first fire happened. I wrote a book during a fire.
  • I started rebuilding my blog after taking a job in Film, an internship, during the first school shooting. I was in Law School at UWLA, during the prior school shootings.
  • I left Law School, and flew to DC, because I was getting D’s in Law School.
  • I was undergoing TMS Treatment, before the shooting in Aurora, for Depression.
  • I had two jobs 2012 after the shooting in Aurora, at the DA’s Office and a Private Law Firm. 
  • I was applying to Law Schools when I first got sick 2009, and later started sobriety again.
  • I was studying for the LSAT a 3rd time and applying to Law School’s late 2008-2009.
  • Upon being hospitalized 2009, after a suicide attempt, I was told I was delusional because I said that I was applying to Law School. I was upset over the Deposition, thought it was embarrassing. I wrote a note in my Apartment, and committed suicide swallowing a bottle of Kolonopin. I was making binders and reviewing what was online, I had never checked. 
  • I was applying for jobs paid as a paralegal on Craigslist, while finishing my paralegal internship.
  • I sent applications with Labels, in Folders, & 1 to the Law School where Pres. Obama taught.
  • I have always been popular and social and engaged in extracurricular activities. 
  • I played club soccer my Freshman year in college. I did not drink or date.

I think what is confusing is becoming and known and what for, and people think that I think that I am connected to The White House or #scotus, which I am only by sending them mail and FedExing them all my medical records and school records and writing samples. That’s how.

I think what is confusing is that there seems to be some reason to blame my mental health issues on things going wrong, I have informed and have prevented incidences in the past, and I think that not doing well, excluded me from graduating with a JD and having a career. I don’t think the intent was to punish me or to treat me as though I’m doing something wrong, but with a boyfriend at Chapman, and doing well, things did not work out for me academically. 

I care a lot about the mental health of others, and it’s sad to be treated like I was not one of the normal ones, or for whatever reasons being known or for who I know, have been undermined or treated like I was coming from the wrong place in life or determined or conservative for the wrong reasons, hence the change. I know just as much as everyone else does about the rest of the world, and fair just the same if dressed nicely out at a bar or in an office setting, approachable and people are nice to me. There is a small percentage I feel like who feel better by thinking that I was knowingly schizophrenic or suicidal for no reason, and maybe it just meant that I needed therapy or someone to talk to, we did not grow up talking about our feelings or feeling bad, or feeling sick, or tired, we had energy growing up and kept busy. 

A love story is about two people improving together, it’s not a love story when it comes to controversy about how we met, that’s what does not feel good, likewise Im sure that he would not feel good by anyone thinking that Im of interest to him based on where I was treated or what for, Im sure that it’s okay for me to get help and to change my meds. I tried not being on adderrall for a few months, I gained 50lbs, and was asleep all day, and it was painful, so I prefer to be on medications for wakefulness, so that I can work as a paralegal, and function as a writer. At this point in my life, it’s too dangerous for me to take a back seat to anything in life, if Im not sure of myself, I don’t want to put my health in jeopardy being treated as guilty in life. 

Recently visiting Todd I’ve changed, I used to sing, and be animated and loving, but I’ve been in a lot of pain recently and I don’t know why, maybe stress from the shooting by work, and shooting in Laguna Woods, and the shooting in Texas, it doesn’t seem like things are going well for #wearorange, and everyone who was hoping that this Chapter in life would improve, not go back to how things were before #BLM, and all the changes being made to the Government. I’m sure a lot of people are having difficulty being loving at a time like this, I know that I am, recently seeing an Ex again, and it’s been difficult for me emotionally and painful, to revisit what the last 10 years were like for me, and besides being lonely and grueling running everyday. I would have lived a better life had I not been put on anti-psychotics and made sleepy, that’s all I need to say about that, and I would not be frustrated, if I was able to finish Law School and take the bar, but don’t have the energy for that anymore, even though I loved school and was good at school and working, always excelled. Political opinion is a very heavy pressure, which explains why I am on so many meds, and mostly hearing people convince me not to do social media, or not to blog, or questioning why I talk to the police, for me it’s a dangerous position to be in to be known, and worse to be known in the negative, which is very painful and taxing on you physically and very demanding of you intellectually, to think beyond or not read into or be bothered by most things, I think Im doing a good job of that and have found a way to be successful online as a writer anyways and blogger, in spite of what people think or in spite of the worry of others, or in spite of people thinking that my writing is “schizophrenic” or doesn’t make sense. So this is how things don’t get better through writing, when it becomes about “you” or becomes about “me” there will always be that difference, between who supports you as a writer and human being and who is reading for their own benefit, and does not see the beauty in your survival, ability to survive, and share helpful insights. I could be struggling too, but I choose to stay home from work, I am honest, if Im not feeling well go home, not work the hours, if Im able work the hours, if I need help ask for help from the courts, when time is of the essence push myself and get a job, to make Dad proud before he dies, when it matters, try to make a good impression the first week of work, and when my Father dies, rethink, why not to blog, and what is blogging interfering with my ability to do in life, work, be social, or live a full life. It now worries me that people with schizophrenia don’t live long, and I don’t think its fair to hurt my odds for survival based on things you have not sued me for or taken me to court for, is not my responsibility to manage other people’s problem with what’s going well for me, when Im sharing how to think well everyday, and you can either choose to be apart of that change and learn, or you can think its not earned.

Originally published: September 3, 2022

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