abuse, activism

Missing Out in Life …

I never considered myself anti-social growing up and not in law school, but to accommodate my then boyfriend, who preferred that I did not hang out with people, trying to convince me that Im better than that, same with medical treatments, told to ignore who is harming me, not make a big deal out of it, including my Attorney, who is not a fan of lawsuits. It doesn’t matter at what point in life you come to appreciate things as they are, it’s the minute you sound like you are too far into a problem to be helped, or too far gone to worry or feel sorry for, or beyond your means in risks in life, that things begin to turn, from support, to anger, and its that point in audience satisfaction that I’m not clear on. It seems to assert a boundary is considered insult. It’s not normal to go through life like everything is love, especially not with people you don’t know, or who may have heard of you before, it’s hard to accept that they don’t care for you, or came to believe that you were someone who did not appreciate your status and class in life, or chose to live a lesser life, all other subjects please put on hold for now. This is when the phrase “not meant to be” matters, as to what you believe to be yours “respect.” 

Ive always said that its something earned, the point at which things turned for the better I believe was changed, when I was allowed to focus and take myself seriously, made to appear careless, or sloppy a stark contrast to who I was online, careful and well-spoken positive, and as a result I was changed, from introspective, to googly eyed, upset, a glaring stare unlike my naturally innate to myself look, without depth looking back at you, not intrusive to view. An intrusive view of your eyes, occurs when you’re energy is deemed to be strong (when aggravated) and when your skin color or face tightness, is drooping, looking tired is not the issue, its when someone can look at you and gets tired that is not the solution, this is why people with strong energy who bring down others, and not made to feel comfortable around people, or are treated in an aggressive way to scare them, as though that’s the solution for unwanted dominance in a small space, that you are not aware is apparent in your presence. 

What is confidence? It’s something to be admired. What is strength? It’s something to feel good by. What is class? It’s not something you attack, and it is not something that fights back, it someone who accepts all demeanors, and is not phased by the humor, mood, boisterous or not, and easily feels good by others, that type of acceptance occurs for those who have witnessed how far we have come, and would not be willing to lose all progress, to a few bad ideas, or misinterpretations.

You only have one life, so now is a good time to try change, even if it hurts, sometimes that’s the only way to improve. When there is nothing to be serious for, think again will this help or hurt others on their journey based on sharing where I am now, is there enough hope and inspiration, or are we making things seem worse than they are.

There is nothing that I can do, to cause people to have faith in me or leave me alone, that’s anger, its persistent, it doesn’t stop, it’s always right in the mind of someone who does not think that you’re worth meeting, or worth a listen, it’s does not accept you, and someone you have to prove that you are worth meeting and that your issues are real. So even if it’s for a moment they are able to look at you like you are human, they are too, and easily can come to understand your deficit as not in appreciation or does not recognize all the changes around. I applied several times, and have visited to in-person witnessing of what I look like, beyond the photos taken, and to measure my energy and livelihood. I did my best and my best was not good enough based on no one accepting how I was harmed and instead steadfast proclaimers that I have done myself wrong or mentally ill, and am where I am not because not hired. If it mattered to anyone to preserve someone in good shape to work they would have hired me but unfortunately it was more about names, reputation, privilege, and JD that I was not hired as though I did not perform, only when at your best to you become susceptible to being treated as stupid, that’s because everything is going right for you in life, so you can easily be mismanaged by someone scoping everything overall, and thinking they have a good hand at life to cause you to look bad without you knowing it, and to me that’s competition, not love, and should not have sex with me, if it is about them feeling power, control, or get attention, they don’t need. Instability is overreliance on others, and that is something I can’t control being made to feel nervous or stand out in a way that others are bothered, smarter or better than me, is not the cause for intimidation, it will be by what I say that Im either accepted or ignored until I figure out what is wrong with me. Everyone can get cool on their own, at this point in my life, Im not someone who can offer a “cool pass” to others, this is why to get married, eventually if you become someone that others are not cool with, then you will be someone who they think needs you to fix their image or be well adjusted, and by that point its not something that people can fix, nothing a job can fix, attitude, AA meetings, or blog, its permanent unrest.

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