What matters now is that I have my life back, although my future is not certain, things have been going well enough long enough, to continue on blogging and being there for others. The only thing about me that not clear, is my mental health, and that will take time, I guess blogging is a way for me to share what’s going on with me, like having a talk in therapy or with a friend, right now is about engaging in real life, applying for jobs and trying to start my life over. Whereas, before, on meds treated for disability, I was tired, in bed all day and it took me a long time to get going again. It can happen for lots of reasons, depression, or not feeling good. Life can be overwhelming or hard, but that’s never been anything I’ve had an explanation for. There were fires, shootings, there was COVID, life was slow, life has just begun, and I’m sure in that time people did a lot of things with their life, living for the moment, and so did I through blogging. -For me getting going, started with doing something everyday that eventually I got strong at like long distance running, that was my first try at feeling good again.

I think talking to Todd, my goals were to talk with friends again, and work and get my life back, so that was what my smiles were about, being well enough to talk to my Father while he was dying from cancer, improve to be able to work and apply, try to apply and work a job, even though I only lasted 4 months. And try blogging again, after being treated for a year for schizophrenia, put on a medication that made it hard for me to write or to think of things to write about, having less energy, and asleep all day in bed, and that I just had to accept. So when your life gets going again, just be happy at whatever ability you are allowed to be at. Im just happy now that I get texts from friends Justin and Sydney Simpson, and friends I’ve known since childhood, and texts from Exes checking on me and wanting to see me, those are all good signs, it means Ive been gone long enough that I was missed, and seeing me now, want to be apart of my life and see what Ive been up to, that means Ive achieved a life, that is fun to know, hear about and interesting to hear about, not a sad life, that’s hard to talk to, witness or see.

Recently, in downtime from establishing a campaign online … I’ve been made to think of all the little things that I maybe overlooked, none of which matter now, unless purposeful, then I had to take a step back. Being on IMDb and Alexa, means that I am someone who write from which all can benefit, it means I know the struggle I know how long it takes to recover from periods difficult, and I know that mental health issues are persistent, and take over the lives of many and put them in disability, soon as the age of the college years, I was lucky in that I did experience disability until 2013, going to the hospital or addiction or failed relationships, I now know that things don’t work when you are not working, or when youre life isn’t good, and that’s a hard lesson to learn, that when things are not working out for you, is what starting new relationships, and making friends is about, that’s the anti-social look of someone who is not well, it could be that they are not well enough to have those things again in life just yet.

What is happiness about? Happiness is about feeling good, feeling good about what you are doing who you are with, and feeling like everything is going to work out, its being fearless, and its being independent of outside circumstances in life, that one is able to shoulder on and not be affected by yet. Key word yet. Then there is unhappiness, its when people don’t feel good about what they are doing or who they are with and think that it is because of what they are doing or who they are with, you cant make people happy, who don’t recognize what there is to be happy about, no complaints necessary. Feeling good is about seeing results, some people are results oriented that when they want to know whether they are doing a good job and whether the results are not known, feel insulted or take personally, that to what effect has their influence not measured up to the kind of results expected, that’s things going well, and things feeling good, and being told otherwise something of disappointment, Disappointment is hard to correct, and sometimes people are tested to see how they appear or how they feel when they are told that they don’t measure up, and that’s what quality is for. It’s a test that no matter how hard things get, you don’t disappoint or lower your standards over anything that doesn’t feel good, how do you handle things when things don’t feel good, do you feel like its your fault, do you feel sad, do you wonder, are you confused, a lot of people are the same in that they expect for things to be good, until they don’t feel good, and sometimes we wont know why or for what reasons, and that’s nothing that you blame people for or circumstances, it comes with the territory. Life is fragile, so understand that sometimes what is popular are things that maybe aren’t perfect or the best, but do a good enough job of reassuring people, of things going well, and that’s how people can be used as markers for improvement, without knowing who or what is hurting them and why. So that’s what stalking is about, its about people doing things, and thinking that other people should notice, or do things until a desired result, either a change or improvement that they use as a barometer to know what feels good for them, think that they are contributing to what is well about someone who is not apart of.