Everything is so political nowadays that you can be losing with people before you know why, on the basis of something they believe you to be saying that they don’t agree with. Given my diagnosis Im assuming that Im not even viewed as an expert in my field of blogging, and its to create for question of me to be viewed through the lens of a diagnosis that seeks to portray me, or allow for investigation and close inspection of me under the lens of this diagnosis, which I don’t completely agree with, but if it makes anyone feel better, it only means that I cannot get away with being mentally ill and if I am found to be mentally ill on a scale or definition determined by medicine, then of course it would then be inappropriate for me to speak, if what I have to say is considered mental illness, then no of course I would not be speaking if I carried a disease of the mind that cannot be cured, why write or speak.

People want to hear things as they see it, so as a top blogger, I think what people want to understand is what am I saying, and how am I carrying a conversation that others can read and relate to. Therefore I think a diagnosis that says you say things in uninvited spaces in which you are not supposed to speak to, is a misunderstanding of what I have to say, is not portraying life or reality as I see it, or describing life in a way saying things that are not supposed to be said, but that’s the diagnosis, so bear with me, as I figure out what is expected and what I have, and what I can say, and not say whats negative expected.

I think drinking was a bad decision reputation wise, causes me to appear like Im losing in terms of my own sobriety (17 years sober minus 2006 and 2013), and makes me sound like I don’t care what other people think, and I changed from a person viewed as sober, anti-social, to a person who drinks socially, and able to be around people and for people to be cool toward me, in a room full of people, they talk more when Im around. There isn’t a quiet person in sight, made to reflect in a hard way about life, my life doesn’t do that to people, my life doesn’t make people look at themselves and feel bad or incapable, my life doesn’t make people question themselves or not feel smart or able. My life is the kind of life, that people arrive to better places in life as a result of knowing me, they feel more motivated, they have more potential, they become problem solvers, they are good listeners, they’re understanding and theyre not co-dependent. I think co-dependency is a thing of the past. Theres no Bonnie Clyde method to life, in which you have to go by people or eachother in life to survive the elements. Surviving the elements means that you don’t involve others when you are not feeling well, following simple rules of staying home to get well, and simple rules of keeping to yourself if you are out and about and social. Nothing in life requires you to be watched or noticed in order to feel respected and to be loved. Its not a good goal in life to seek attention to yourself and especially not with my diagnosis that doesn’t make sense for the pressure of modeling and vlogging to dictate my respects in life.

I think once we can all get over the fact that these are my conditions and diagnosis and that I cannot do anything about it, and although there may be others who are not top bloggers and able to get a job, using, or in recovery, lets not forget that I have been there too, and had I not been there, then I would also not be a representative of those who have overcome conditions and healed, and lived life to the best of their ability no matter what they are in life.

This is life, people give up on you, or don’t want to hear from you, if they don’t think that you deserve attention or a response, and so the tone carries, therefore if you wind up explaining for a condition of ignoring you and what could possibly be the basis, you know people who feel justified in feeling the way you have described can come to believe to see you through that lens, and maybe what was done to me is what is happening through my writing, to explain things as though there is difficulty on anothers end without respect for my own difficulties, and for people to be sold on words that allow them to not view positively the work and potential of someone, and classify their distrust as rationale, I don’t know why I would explain an attitude toward me and act like that’s okay and allowed to happen or deserved, I think that’s what happens when people think less of you, you are made to sound like youre uncomfortable, and when you are made to be loose with your words, they think you’ve done something wrong or there is something easy or hard to talk about youre not mentioning, and think youre trying to be funny as to something you’ve not said or could say, or make people think that things are about you, is not okay to do to yourself, what will be wrong with you, will be when you sound like youre not smart or don’t care and when people think you are losing an ability they think that its youre fault if you get sick and think that you are sick by your own thoughts or your own output, so that’s not talking to others and being understanding of people, and explaining what could have gone wrong, and then getting sick and being told that its your own fault if you get sick, and wrongfully be classified as suicidal or giving up in life, these words “suicide” and “self-harm” and easy ways people call you selfish in life and blame you for your own mental health issues, its way to have absolutely no one in the event that you don’t feel well, it doesn’t make sense for people to act like your condition it hurtful when you are not doing well, and I don’t think that the words suicide or self-harm explain what Im going through or whats wrong with me. I think Im doing my best to get along with others, and be a good writer, what I cant explain is a medical opinion of me and the change in attitude towards me, it makes people give up on you and think that you are sick and belong in a hospital, it means that people don’t take into account your blood pressure is low and you are not feeling good, it means that Im not high when I m not feeling good its not the adderrall.