End of January was a nightmare, I thought I was being sued, I thought my life was over, I thought I was getting in trouble, and then I hired an Attorney, I barely got through the option to respond, and was about to appear on my own without an Attorney, not sure how that would have went. I was afraid I was going to be carted off in a bed like going to the ER hospitalized, but that happened anyways, I guess that’s the diagnosis “schizophrenia” it’s not what you think, it’s what everyone else thinks now. And so you learn. I think acceptance for a diagnosis doesn’t mean that I have to surrender to any definition of mental health issues, or any diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that I have to get sick or feel sick in order to make a medical determination about me the correct response to what Im going through.

I understand that as a blogger, people are looking for solution, I don’t think I would be online, if I wasn’t able to find solution for myself. As the days go on Im becoming eerily aware of the dependency that develops between you and your caretakers in recovery from mental health issues, it’s not that they are co-dependent on you, it’s that you become co-dependent on them, and Im not sure if that’s a healthy solution for battling mental health issues, what if you need a new doctor, or a second opinion, or a different treatment plan, who is who going by what is what has been said about you, and where is the solution being found or sought, through your blog, is that what everyone is studying about you?

Then why in person or one-on-one is everything so confusing and hard to say, what makes intimate encounters with medical professionals so hard to be yourself or explain what you are going through in all honesty and whats too much. I think if they are told something about you, then that’s whats expected and that’s what waited for, the the more difficult the diagnosis the longer it takes for people to make a decision about you as to whether to take you under their care and guidance, so no IOP for me.

I think I’m going to get through what’s been difficult, by going to AA meetings, listening to CBT lifecoaching and mental health tapes on Udemy, and strategize my own routine and mental health care plan being at home. I guess this is being put to the test, whether I am capable of leading others towards recovery as a blogger online, knowing Im a blogger, and then trying to make me appear as though Im not fit for an IOP or need residential or hospitalization.

I don’t think I belong anywhere there is increased risk and exposure to other people who are not feeling well, hospital is the end decision when you have no options left and when you fail to recover on your own at home. I think over the past few months I have steadily been improving. And while my blog may not be a treatment center of people overcoming mental health issues and suicide, I can assure that if Im not in that condition, then let no IOP who does not know me determine for me how gravely disabled I am or how far off the spectrum of normalcy I seem.

It seems like getting help these days makes you feel worse about yourself, and being in the balance of waiting to hear from others for a month to simply sign up for group therapy, has been a shocking experience of rejection, that Im not sure I can mentally tolerate. I think being famous, there is a concern that others will know you, and they expect you to be this surrendered soul, who is blinde and mute to the concerns and reactions of others, and if you are not wiling to surrender your confidences to others in your surroundings, then they assume that you would be confrontational about who you are. In theory we would accept all song and film to represent reality, this would be so I would not be tormented by people, is why it has become more and more obvious, so that instead of not respecting a person, and viewing them as disappointment, you think instead what if that were me, and would I appreciate being written about and referred to, so that I am made to feel better about myself, it’s a joke for everyone.