By: Leslie Fischman

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.

I admit that I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia now, as a result of being interpreted as looking and sounding mentally ill, because of self-harm and hearing voices, on that basis that is how I was diagnosed based on what was told to the doctor, for those reasons I suffer today by this diagnosis. It is embarrassing, and it doesn’t feel good to have a diagnosis or be stuck with a condition for the rest of my life, voices, which cannot be treated by any medication. Therefore in order to overcome this problem “schizophrenia” I have to admit that I have been given this diagnosis, and because of this diagnosis either be limited in life, or be able to live life, based on how I prove myself worthy, able, capable. Otherwise until the symptoms of this diagnosis are solved, I cannot resume a normal life, and I have come to accept if my life is changed, if I cant marry, have kids, if I cant cohabitate, if I cant model, if I don’t vlog, or speak to my audience, and if people think Im weird, that much I have to accept. I have to accept the moments when my writing is misunderstood and people think that writing in public sounds mentally ill or random stuff that’s tweeted, and continue to improve not be defined by what others think, and not allow a diagnosis to convince me or anyone, that I am not able to speak proper to others.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I believe that with the right meds, I can resume a normal life to the best of my ability. I don’t think it’s necessary to share my diagnosis, because its hurtful to me and embarrassing, and not something that I want to talk about, therefore I don’t have to talk about anything that I don’t have to mention. Including self-harm and suicide, those are closed subjects, not relevant, not going on right now, and not apart of any permanent condition that I wish to suffer from, therefore blame no self harm or suicide on any embarrassment or shame to me or my family, is not the reasons for a chemical imbalance, if Im independent and stay away from everyone, there is no reason why I should get sick by anything, including anything that Im talking about online, you can only talk about what you are comfortable talking about, and I think I was more than considerate and open about it, I don’t want to talk about it.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I recognize that I have a diagnosis that not many are familiar with or understand, and understand that my work is being viewed as something that it is not, and I have to live with the fact that Im not viewed as intelligent, and that my hard work and writing looks stupid to others, and that’s a fact about life that I have come to accept, that you cannot make a good impression, complaining, so make it being well.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Everyday I think of something that I can say that will help others, with respect for everyone going by their own religions and codes and information songs and movies in life, and that nothing has to be by me, based on me, or about me to be meaningful, and what will bring success to others in life, would be to not be made sick, or embarrassed, or be hurt by anyone in life, or convinced of sickness. I am not a doctor so I don’t know how sickness is passed, but I don’t wear to bear a condition, to pass it to anyone, then that will normally make me contemplate life, as though why should I be alive suffering, and that’s something I have to come to terms with. Either write online, forget and forgive, or live by this definition of a diagnosis, in which I am made to change or be judged, and no one to be impressed, doesn’t help.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

If I ever have a problem its not something that I ignore, or avoid, its something that I deal with right away, Im not someone who bottles up, Im someone who reflects on life, a lot thinks a lot. So admission to being sick, is like everytime Ive taken myself to the hospital, is handling my mental health issues in private without bothering anyone. Performing online and not being sick is not not going to the hospital and exposing others, its that I have a condition that will not go away, and take meds everyday, therefore if Im on the meds everyday for 10 years that are given in the hospital for 2 weeks, then I don’t need to go to the hospital to be treated for a condition that is monitored by me and by taking meds everyday 10 yrs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

When Im able to do well in blogging that’s when I shine. Not all topics are the easiest for me, Ive written a lot over the years, so its frustrating to me, to not be good enough, or for any reason, have to go back through my work and re-explain things or present it again when Im feeling better or have more to say, not everything comes out of you at once, talking is not easy for everyone, nor is writing, easy.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

I don’t want to have problems because of what was said about me for the rest of my life that much I don’t have to suffer, so while it wasn’t a big deal to everyone else, it was a big deal to me, so that’s the lesson in being treated like Im nobody, no one is affected and Im the only one suffering. So that’s how you get abused and made to look stupid, and that takes away from graduating and being proud of yourself, so I don’t need to recover and be hurt everytime Im well as though Im supposed to be punished for being well, I don’t struggle online in front of everyone, I don’t drag anyone through a hard time in life, so please don’t accuse me of dragging anyone through a bad life, I am doing my best to live a good life, I made beautiful blogs and took beautiful photos, and wrote online and tweet, and that’s my career I may not be perfect and stay well each and every day but that doesn’t mean anyone has to get mad at me. I am as professional as possible online with his diagnosis, I have not blogged on the basis that I was given a diagnosis that made me obese and made my neck and head shape change, that it why.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

People I have harmed, men who loved me, who and cant be with me because I have schizophrenia now, and cant get married and have children or get a job, and went to law school for no reason now, that I was trashed online. So I have to go to Tech School now and change careers at age 37. My friends who I have lost touch with as a result of having schizophrenia and not being able to maintain normal relationships online or in real life, and for the conversations to have gotten worse since after being harmed, and not being able to get well and speak proper again sound well and photo well.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Im sorry that my modeling is not liked by anyone if for any reason, I don’t mean to cause any harm by modeling or for anyone to see my photos, and Im always doing my best. Im sorry if for any reason you don’t like who I am or what Im about, no one has to read from me to understand anything about life, that’s not the point of being called a life coach or top blogger, it means that I have said something relevant and helpful maybe that wont answer all your questions but eventually everyone will take a look around and see everything, and hopefully that wont be something that youd blame anyone for happening. Not me, not any woman, not any belief, website, or trend, is not about me, #askBarack. Therefore Im sorry that because of who I am I cannot speak to any politicians on the basis that Im not a high income earner or celebrity so that I am not supported and helped individually in life with stuff.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Each and everyday I talk about things I have worked on, can work on, and how to help others, get through something that I have struggled with, I don’t have any clients to talk about, I always talk about myself, and what Im thinking or something that Im trying to figure out, to help others, not get hurt.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Everyday I work on being a good person, and I email scotus, and if I have questions call the police, I don’t have to live a life in which I help others, I choose to help others, so that’s the life I lead. Its not imagined, so while everyone else gets to work and be paid and be social. I don’t get to do those things in life.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I hope that one day, I will get through these conversations in life and things will get better.