Chapter 3

Some things never change, its almost as though you won’t figure out life, until life has everything about you figured out, this must be some right of passage, respect, at differing views, differing perspectives, and at different heights, so what is common sense. Common sense is your demeanor how you function and adapt to reality and your life as you are as well as your ability as known to be tested and or fail, and in what way should each failure represent or shine more or less light on your past, who is to be remembered and who is to be forgotten. So while you may forget all the moments of ruin, and having shared all your moments of ruin, accept that your reality temperament and who you are today wont be accepted until you are a person, who is absent those thoughts reactions, or consequences, either believed you’ve subjected yourself to being your fault, or a reality believed to subject you to based on what you have to say about life, and because of who you are, where should you be, where to do you end up, and who does that effect? Everyone once everyone knows you, your success or failure affects everyone, so while its too late to go back and fix every moment in life, and every upset and every grievance or complaint, never accept that any amount of suffering is your own fault, and if you mean well and as you remember, did not disturb anyone, were not in trouble, and had not problems in life, being around others and becoming successful, the what is the nightmare reality of having been viewed as though your life was worse than it was, or those moments of failure, any less devastating than  it was to be in your body, in your person, as you are, a human being.

Moving forward is a feeling, it’s a feeling of things done well, its an effort and amount of time worth investing, it’s a problem spoken to and an effort made, and its with acceptance for what you cant change and where you are either your future happens for you, or you allow for everything anyone is made to think either by your words true, or a paranoia, in the end you are in control, and life isn’t about keeping track of what people think of you, its about the constant assessment and awareness of your ability to be aware of those around you, and your own awareness of yourself your limits, and what you allow yourself to be subjected to, its always okay to say no, its always okay to say stop, its always okay to not take blame, nothing is your fault, when you put the effort in trying to help, things are automatically not your fault, not who you’ve mentioned or (or accused as mentioned blamed, that’s what sickness looks like and sounds like, so if that’s what happens until a person gets well and sounds well, then its by less mentions of others and more internalization of feelings or information made to come from them until it can be accepted as read by another human being including anyone mentioned not made or forced to write adapt change and explain chaos to them reality from news, or psychosis, seems to be one solution for many is not the demise of anyone unaccredited to be achieved), and that’s the risk of story telling, it’s a who is here now, and who is no longer here, becomes what’s the use of sharing about life, if you are not somewhere better. Its in the telling that is used for blame, and its in the forced telling that nothing is made better and more risk is made ever more present, and that’s what denominates some as representatives or viewed as ousters or outters, to a common thread of disability lack of movement and frustration, therefore always assume its in the betterment, people are well by.

At 38 I wish that I had already published a book by now, but you cant make things happen for you when its so determined that you are anywhere else less. Sometimes I think that’s what becomes code, what you’ve done wrong, and on top of whatever you’ve done wrong, to yourself “self-harm” or hospitalization “not feeling well” or separation “breakup” is some gathering of evidence of you who you are and what your life should look like and constant comparison of where you are compared to others, as though where you are what you mean or how you sound, should speak to that difference, and in the reverse of you recovering being empowered its sought to brighten and to change others by a removal of you from exitence in thought or praise, and sometimes there will be no momentous change to empowered that results from disempowering, removing, or injuring the esteems of anyone woman or man, and then what are we left with, those duller moments of not knowing what to do or say. So what is work, empowering yourself to the benefit of others, what is a proper expenditure of energy on earth, that doesn’t require you to be earning a paycheck, and what does you exitence on earth without a paycheck mean about you or what others have come to think of you, or not accept you for. Is what is your life, ever anywhere more exciting compared to a person who earns or is made a celebrity, there some deserved excitement about life, that seems improper or less deserving of others, so at what point is happiness allowed. I think when happiness is not allowed, its not that others are not happy for you or with you, its what disappointment means, that its more comfortable being happy with others, and considering you in a lesser state, and either that’s something you ever recognize and come to resent, or a period in life you overcome, and allowed to one among those survived.

Recently battling mental health has reached new waves, concepts, and I’m not sure any of my reactions are newsworthy, what is these days, certainly not the momentous moments of change, we seem to protect from exposure the things we love, and seems to be the treatment of something we don’t recognize as human as for over exposure and without recourse for what can happen upon too much exposure, its like nothing matters in life or connection, and the point at which connection and where you are or who you are matters, is like a racist way of judging human beings as made whole or made less by one another, and that’s the worst way to view life, or what changes a person endures. When life is viewed as being made with love, you care less for what hate does to a person s mind, body and soul, its almost like a hex, you cant be you unless someone else can be you, and you don’t get to be you, until someone else feels like you, it’s a hectic solution for equality, that doesn’t allow you to be recognized for what you’ve been through and expects you to help and care for those who have been through less emotionally and spiritually without bullying or mental illness, and think that you have what anyone else needs, its actually the reverse they have what I don’t have in life, they are who I am not, so why not just let me be me, instead of hurting me, and everyone associated to me, punish me or everyone too.