So this Month’s People Magazine features Sexiest Man Alive! And just came in the mail, and just added a new friend to my Instagram “Glen Powell.” It’s actually been months maybe more than a year since Ive messaged others, took a break, erased some stuff, and now Instagram has lifted the restrictions on me sending messages, which used to be only 1 and wait for approval to continue, which is why I shouldn’t have deleted since I had unlimited chance to message a few accounts, but it’s okay, lesson learned, it hurts to delete a correspondence, and hurts even more to not have access to a space to chat, and lose that privilege.

In addition, while in treatment I grew fond of someone, who is younger, and was overcame with emotion, like I have in the past when at my age who is around is significantly younger than me, and feeling like I missed the opportunity as an adult to work and be around others of the same age group and match, but now we have apps. I’m not sure if people meet through work anymore and that’s a thing of the past. Something I cry about. Anyways I journaled about it, I made every effort to see how others reacted to fanning someone younger, and even told my therapist Im thinking about friending this person to hear what she would have to say, whether I would get turned down from the excitement of meeting someone new and talking to them. (The nurse moonwalked then shouted sorry, I have no idea if that was about me, I just left the room, got a cigarette and went outside).

So after all of that, it took a day holding my notebook to finally walk up to him and exchange numbers, well ask for his. The basis for friendship was weight loss something he said I could do with him, and left it open, to figure out, but over the weekend, after sending many texts pitching my websites, campaign, and connections (always overdo things with people like everythings a big deal or a deal breaker have to know so many facts about me to be friends with me), and wrote past the normal length for a reply, it was the night I power walked 15 miles, and in the zone. So that’s how I went from excited for 3 replies and on my way to having a new friend, to being told after bad day and several texts too many apologizing, introduced to his girlfriend, who I did not know about.

From my perspective its about his comfort and now his girlfriend’s comfort, and although my feelings are hurt after introductions and apologies for texting too much, I also have to set aside my enthusiasm for friendship out of consideration of her need or dislike of me texting him, and for him to tell me that his girlfriend is upset or mad that Im texting. After a weekend with the flu, it was much too late to damage control the beginning and hopefully not a quick ending to friendship on that note, and chose to view it as being courteous of both their privacy and need for intimacy and less experimentation on my part flirting which I wasn’t 100% sure of anyways being plus size didn’t think that I was a fit for cougar dating anyways, at my size and age, so the whole thing was confusing for me, but I made a good effort to make a good friend, and hopefully he can forgive me for being rusty about how to go about friendships and also by the age gap, how to tell someone you are attracted to them, and for that to not be the basis for friendship to hook up.

So I would have liked for someone overhearing to not be mad at me, and say hey you know that’s Leslie shes online Ive heard of her, and maybe work on being trusted, that Im not someone who is going to ruin a relationship and I am instead someone who when I say I love someone, that also means I love and respect and support who is in his life too, that’s what love is to me. Love doesn’t mean for me anymore, clearly I write online and message politicians and unmarried, also not wrecking any homes either, so I think Im doing a good job, of being successful, attractive when I can it’s a rare moment captured modeling, and not be too hard on myself socially about getting on peoples good or bad sides politically, and not cause waves to those in relationships able to know me or friend me mutually.

So I’ve decided to not give up, will not text message, stop, and switched to messenger.