There are certain things you learn the hard way in life that once you fail to meet an expectation regardless the reasons put forth for anothers decision as to making a deduction about you identifying the problem with you, it will always be too late and more harm caused than good, when wellness isn’t appreciated and comes across as offensive, or functioning misunderstood as without difficulty or change. I can’t fix what is made to be wrong with me, let alone continue to ignore the difficulty faced when no one talks to you or what it means when you doing well improving doing your best isn’t viewed as having overcome tremendous difficulty and deadly experimentation with my life caused by the over broadcast of terms and diagnoses intended to hurt me in a way there is nothing I can do, and injuring me permanently in a way resulting in a pain to my head that cannot be overcome by hearing from others or being helped by anyone, there is a such thing a permanency. I’ve never questioned treatment of me in life or who is being helped ever been defensive to how my suffering or struggle makes people feel better about themselves or view themselves as more adult or beyond protected from such suffering in life, and Im not someone too stupid or careless to forget or relive or suffer same or similar consequences for the same problems in life, as though punishment is not something I have learned from, earning my right to live life each year that I put forward an effort to improve and get along with others, nothing comes easy in life. There comes a point where you cannot punish me and create rules that cause me suffering in way that’s unnecessary to create rules I’ve not broken and make the terms of continued care be limited by rules in addition Im expected to follow, isn’t the new difficulty or hardship excuse my brevity, if it’s unclear in what way its impossible to live life when people come to believe that you’ve done wrong, or are criminal, or breaking any laws or rules, this is beyond court, a rule was made a rule was too difficult to follow, I need no excuses given a second chance to abide by a rule and followed, at my own expense I have suffered and lost 7 months worth of treatment and time and money invested in my recovery and wellness to be able to get a job. No one is able to prevent jail or get out of jail or capable of causing any harm and not going to jail lets get that understood first that if I have harmed Todd or am causing harm to him then the Judge would put me in jail thats plain and simple, therefore the letters requested to describe my progress aren’t intended to make me look good to qualify for a positive opinion from a Judge capable of changing or being ruined, at any moment, whether by my doing or anyones doing, understand that I comprehend that it is not my choice what is said to a Judge, it is not my choice who is made unhappy with me, what people don’t like about me, what communications aren’t good enough or don’t make sense, I am always doing my best. So please excuse the hurt in being made to wait for longer time periods without updates or explanation or assistance spoken to in the time it took to have discussions with a job without me present, and please excuse my inability to go to more treatment, due to energy, lack of medications, and mental difficulty already challenged to be a good patient, improve to standard, I am guessing is about without breaking character or harp on what I sound like offended or defensive or sensitive and there is nothing I can do about being taken off meds and unable to talk in groups, or therapy, read books, or journal, or exercise to things that would normally keep me occupied, and no one is to blame for the amount of energy each is afforded as a human being and the determine the number of activities possible for a person to perform under what circumstances or meds, does nothing to prove or disprove or get me to places in life undeserved as though I don’t gracefully handle conflict, not be given the benefit of the doubt when managing the crisis of a patient dying during the time period I was working at a new job for two months and switched to IOP 3 days a week, misunderstand my reputation or how I carry myself my standing in life as with a shocking identity that is difficult for another addict to comprehend or witness, accuse me of being  disruptive or having problems disruptive to health of anyone who is happy, healthy, successful, and social, it doesn’t seem to apply to you how you handle loss or how you respond to death of a co-patient, until forced to be given a hard time maxed out knowing I have schizophrenia with a history of suicide difficulty in communications, allow my suffering limit upset to be confused for some random desperation coming from nowhere unrelated to a co-occurring crisis, a treatment center processing a loss and the trauma that causes to everyone, at the same time I am asked to bother anyone for letters regarding my treatment for court, I was never inpatient, or bossy or have anything negative to say about anyone, so that’s how I am affected by death, in what way do I comprehend suffering, in what way have I lived and suffered to comprehend the fragility of patients in care, and in what ways am I being mistreated or questioned as though my upset or deduction is unreal, maybe an overreaction, misunderstood, but I did the right thing to express how I felt having interpreted something in the negative and for that misinterpretation to be used to punish me ridicule me and accuse me of mental disturbance that’s my own fault coming from nowhere and accuse me of being inappropriate to any staff upon disclosure, I’m beside myself, that anyone pushed as hard as me is punished for instability, we don’t have unlimited sources of energy in life to handle pressures in life without any support and punishment, until the problem is clear I will never talk to anyone for the rest of my life, since it is unclear what’s inappropriate about me. As far as I’m concerned its inappropriate for me to talk to anyone, friend anyone, attend meetings, like anyone, or ever love anyone again, and it’s not because of who I’ve spoken to its about proving there is something wrong with me that’s evident or visible and am someone who doesn’t deserve to talk to anyone or friend anyone, I will therefore not pay attention to anyone for the rest of my life or support anyone if I’m punished like I’m some weirdo looking up people stalking, is not who I am, that’s so insulting. Hurtful.