journal entry, mental health, recovery

Sometimes We Shine …

Last December I left my job thinking nothing was going to work out for me in life that I was a complete failure. If I couldn’t work a 12 hour work day, then I couldn’t work an 8 hour work day and if I couldn’t work 6 days a week then I couldn’t work 5 days a week. Sometimes when we push ourselves to meet expectations we shine and sometimes when trying to meet the expectations of others we flounder. I even tried back tracking at one point to the paid position I was offered at an escrow company to work as a paralegal I gave up for a chance to work in film. It seems my dreams got the best of me, the glamour of working on a movie lot seemed like a harder job to get than the paid position I was offered on the spot, I wasn’t thinking clearly, at that point in my life I should’ve taken the paid part-time position but thought that the internship would turn into a job, I was sorely mistaken. When the going gets tough it’s okay to take a break from work to sort your life out if you’re not measuring up in the workforce the last thing you need is a bad review if you’ve never gotten one, especially in a field you’ve never worked in before, the main lesson is to stick to what your good at, confidence builds upon experience, that is your work experience. Sometimes settings matter, and if you’re new and that confidence is missing you had in other jobs then expect to molded, controlled, and corrected until you become what is expected of you personality wise, meaning you will always be judged in the workforce by your confidence, tone, and eye contact not just your work ethic, and especially your break etiquette. To be professional you have to be able to keep going in life and be presentable without question that is relied upon to get the work done, trusted, if you can’t manage that much and your hearts not into it then it’s probably not a good match. At my current job I was put back on Adderrall and taken off my bipolar meds, I wasn’t myself, I was able to work 9-9 but still not fit to work the Film Festival I was invited to attend, running on the beach beside myself it’s not that I was overworked I had just put too much pressure on myself at the time to be somewhere I was working towards becoming well, which is where I am now, which is why I was invited back to that job to continue working, not stay home. I’ve now been given other opportunities to interview at paying jobs at law firms, dream jobs, had I not worked in film and been pushed by my current boss who believed in me, I would have not left the house and started working been fit socially or personality wise to work again. She supported my social media participation in spite of being sued, required it, and I’m glad, a top 100 personal development blogger on feedspot now listed with Mark Manson a very successful blogger and author. It’s always been my dream to publish a book, one step at a time, my AA meeting attendance resumed this year what a difference that made, really grounded me in the present got me moving forward again and attended another IOP which really strengthened my ability to battle bipolar symptoms keeping me feeling down, unmotivated, lethargic, sleepy, and insecure about life and applying myself. Trips to Starbucks and the Mall kept me busy during my time away from work, that was fun updating my wardrobe, I figure at least my Moms not paying rent, but still, should be more frugal when it comes to expenses, and not gain weight as an excuse to shop for different size clothes. I also read books, and worked on my website! All in all made a lot of progress this year, progress I’m proud of, and couldn’t have done it without the help of Adler & Associates and My Parents. I had the worst messenger addiction when I started work 2018 who talks to Trump anyways … you’re right, I’m no Rice, but I did go to CU and majored in Sociology, I was a little more sensitive to a few issues that he shook off initially, but I’m glad he came around and faced our troubles head on, that took courage. I don’t know why I sent my only extra copy of my book to Avenatti who was fighting with him at the time, he replied on messenger, I guess it was the O’Melveny connection, who’s recruiter later contacted me on LinkedIn and interviewed me to follow-up in February.

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