abuse, misuse, Uncategorized

One Thing I Have Trouble With …

One thing I struggle with is staying positive past the point of failure feeling defeated in life like there is nothing I can do to make my life better it’s at those points in life you begin to question your personal value what you are able to do and sometimes question your own abilities after having thought you gave your best effort and still could not overcome self-harm, what to do then. By the time the dust settles and you have begun to reflect in a peaceful way what upset you and why you reacted poorly and self-harmed it’s too late the damage has already been done and instead of rising above hate you let them win, convincing themselves of a justified discomfort for you and then proving that discomfort justified by self-harming as though thats a win for anyone with expectation of rejection faced by you for you to become violent (toward self or others think that they are in your heart and when you hit your head claim that it’s your anger toward them when you hit yourself no it’s not feeling good then feeling suicidal and instead of committing suicide I hit my head), bothered, upset, or angry, as though your heart has been deprived of love and it’s the deprivation of love that causes you to hurt yourself in anger and be the one upset with yourself because you are not loved and ignored thats the experiment done to you if you subject yourself to rejections in life that someone who thinks they’re smarter than you and manipulates your condition to feel insulted with expectation of hearing from them and speaking to them in depth answering their questions in reply not be treated as a human being subjected to rejection to see how one photos themselves be treated as someone who is into themselves if it’s not a match then stop asking me so many questions. I am a sweet person I have never once in my life flipped out on anyone or been angry toward anyone in my life. So it’s wrong to treat me as an offender reject me because you think I deserved to be punished as though my condition tone or look is fitting of someone who deserves to be trashed without a job as though I’m living off of the successes of others like I don’t try hard in life a let down, I have always done my best and it’s not my fault my life was ruined and I’m not able to get a job now given my condition and mixed attitude in life upon insult expected to tough things out like I’ve done wrong in life and should accept treatment of me like I’m a piece of $hit that hurts people on purpose, I’ve been an advocate with a stellar resume, and because I spoke in private with someone, they saw me as something else then made the entire world think less of me, and because everyone thinks less of me I question living life, the purpose of my existence, and do my best not to self-harm no matter how much pain I’m in, how much I suffer, bullied hearing voices, hurt, then expected to perform and still make a positive difference no matter how badly I feel beat up and tormented bothered. Ive never been motivated by the wrong reasons in life and it’s never been my job to appear to a higher standard than that which I’m capable of, like I’ve failed anyone misrepresented myself or others. My career was ruined, my life was ruined, my relationships were ruined, my heart is ruined, my mind is ruined, and I have physical disability as a result it’s called depression, not motivated to do much in life, which affects my ability to work not fast enough, not energetic enough, not lively enough, not spunky enough, and not pretty enough to represent anyone in life picked.

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