Ive been thinking a lot about this lately, and maybe it doesn’t show through my writing, the extreme lengths I have gone through just to be okay with myself. I think that’s what all the running symbolizes, doing something youre proud of and having something to show for it. It can start with something basic like exercise, and how you look. Or it can be through academics, going to law school and graduating. There are many ways to add value to your life, and it starts by setting goals and accomplishing your goals in life, most of life is how you feel about yourself anyways, regardless of what anyone else sees looking at you. I think now, its become even more important not to separate yourself by terms in life, that doesn’t seem to be headed on the right track issue wise, especially right now, when every identifying factor becomes a challenge for someone else to accept you or reject you by and on what basis. There is a certain discomfort that follows when things are not going right, and I think that’s what makes people controlling, thinking that if something is changed about you, or changed about how others are looking at things when it comes to viewing your life, that things will be set right. That’s not how to get things going back on track, understanding wise, I don’t think its necessary to direct attentions to anyone, when it comes to viewing a person, not by stigmas, titles, or identities, that’s the most hurtful way to view a person, as though they are not who they are on the inside, and base respects based on what things look like assuming that they should know what they look like. I just read on tinybuddah.com, that part of being okay with yourself involves recognizing, when youre doing the following: “This meant that my level of contentment was proportionate to how pleased I thought others were with me moment to moment. Of course, the problem was that I rarely thought they approved of me enough, so I was rarely happy.”  For example, recently Ive been overly concerned about what people think, I don’t look in the mirror and see any of those things, that’s the current delusion, that others have a poor view of me, or view me poorly, I think if you allow yourself to think that much about others, then that is what you wind up feeling like. Ive noticed through writing, if its not something that empowers me, then not to say anything if spoken through another would cause me to not feel well about myself. That’s not an identity issue, that’s others having their peace before you do, after hearing what you have to say, and without hearing from others, what you feel like talking to no one, it can be extremely draining, and painful, to be able to speak, but not interact with anyone on a speaking basis. That’s the odd ball, curve ball about me, Im a writer, have been present online writing for many years now, when the time allowed for it, and I have not moved forward in my career as an employed worker, I was hoping that this year I would be able to work paid, but as it turns out, that did not work out for me, so will need to get well, sort through my current issues, and stay healthy physically well, and be strong mental health wise, to ever take on the task of working for pay. That’s a big step, I was hoping to be prepared for after graduating from law school, and I cant seem to pin point the exact moment in which my physical health started failing me (headaches) I think around November (and stopped running everyday), which is not noticeable through my writing. I noticed as a law student, that when I gave it my all, I felt extremely tired, frequently taking naps, working part time and going to school part time. There will be many reasons for burn out, but if you cant stay level headed through it, it can be a constant battle of whether or not to go to the hospital, I don’t think being off all meds, or off day meds is the solution, to people issues if any, I don’t have people issues in real life, but as a blogger, I can imagine that more people know me than I know people, so Im sure that Im picking up a lot of energy and viewpoints, that is an unusual number of opinions, as a blogger to my audience, who Im assuming, does not have an issue with me. So that’s letting people get close to you, and that is what causes you to not like yourself, not feel comfortable being yourself, feeling less than yourself, or being situated in a physical pain (headaches) trying to comprehend why what was done to you was done, and how that does not benefit you or anyone attached to you. So that’s my current dilemma, which explains, why Im not sure whether to open up my blog on Weebly, and just retire those posts for now, from further review, Ive given out more information than I have read or been given, as to right now what Im thinking have not heard from anyone else, not reading into anyone, and not expecting anyone to contact me either. I was hoping to stay well and be a writer, Im sad that for whatever reasons, whatever my goals were in life are not happening for me, due to insecurity, mental health issues, and because of the time gap on my resume, work wise, to get back out there commute and work everyday full time.
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