bipolar, war

War is Not a Game …

When someone goes to war on you, you really think, what is it about me that’s so offensive to the best tastes of another. It could just be that someone is not attracted to me and wants nothing to do with me, and that’s understandable. You are what you look like, and you will not look inviting to most, and that’s okay too. Not everyone is for love, matrimony, and getting to know one another in an confined space, that seems to just be recipe for disaster. Ive been wondering lately who does it affect more, when a persons feelings are hurt, the one being rejected or the one rejecting the other. Ive been on both sides of the equation, and it hurts either way, who doesn’t empathized with someone that they enjoy talking to but don’t want to actually have sex with, I think that’s most people that come into your life. You don’t generally imagine a person in that way, and that’s the difficulty with writing and also keeping a photo log. All photography is an intimate expression of who you are, and its hard not to look as though you are photographing in an intimate way, I don’t think that an obnoxious expression suits anyone very well, to wear an outfit, hold up a peace sign, or make a funny face, that used to be a good way of loosening up, but in reality, no one really sees you as that happy anyways, and does not wish to know you in that way as happy, or for what reasons. This is where acting comes into play, so we may not be perfect, but its important to demonstrate care, it doesn’t matter if you’re a perfectionist, or simply trying to charade and communicate a message through photo, that’s not what selfies are about, its about documenting your life from the inside of your life, so that someone looking in, can see where youre at what is going on with you, and determine how much you know based upon your self expressions, what is coming from you, and what is being communicated about, which many find offense to, if its something you cant say, that is later expressed through you, is what is thought of someone who cant put into words what they are thinking, then others offended by viewing an expression that they see as communicating something not put into words. If you care, where is the point in making up any diorama, of cares, and that’s where misunderstanding comes into play, you cant symbolize something that youre thinking without also saying it, that’s coming from someone who cant keep a secret. There is also by your exposures getting ideas, or thinkings not coming from you based upon what you know, which makes learning a good process of understanding more, so that you are not limited to what you know, or what others are thinking upon looking at you. I don’t think being hard to read is a gift, I think it adds up to making others misunderstand you, and in a very painful way be misunderstood by most. I think people want to size you up, and figure out what caliber of a human being you are in the grand scheme of things, and why you were not interviewed alongside your BFF growing up (I feel like this is bringing up another subject that Im not trying to get into, what you have or what you have not experienced meaning whether you are important if not why should it matter how anyone knows you officially I dont think this later became a visible problem later in life I dont think that you can be an official person of importance past getting mental health issues, it then becomes a matter of whether you can handle the pressures of being known in a good way, or be viewed in the positive in a better place in life where you are able to reflect on life). I think being interviewed would have been a good example of how presentable to be at all times, I dont think I ever anticipated not being professional looking I think thats hard to do online, I have never had problems at work, only recently have not been able to set aside my mental health issues. Which is probably why I have not had the opportunity show myself at my best online only until now with many unnecessary difficulties along the way, some related some unrelated to what Ive gone through personally staying able and performing well, not giving up. Hopefully by the time you become examined by all, investigating your mental health issues, medical records, schooling, job/work history, dating history, for clues about you, which I don’t think is a fun way to live life, which is probably why I started blogging, if you cant keep a transcript of all your ups and downs, progress, and thinking, well then it put you at risk of harm for being misunderstood to be carrying some insight that not all would agree with. My most bipolar moments in life occurred when I was alone, living alone, and there was always alcohol involved or relapse, which is why I don’t drink or do drugs, I don’t go out, I don’t plan on going out, Im not social, and why I attended AA meetings. That’s coming to terms with my work experience which is not higher up to the status of the Pentagon, or CIA, which are bipolar delusions if youre having any thoughts that make you think that youre higher up than you are, in real life, they do have those conversations and it should be among people who have been trained in how to process those types of thinking, which I think are generally things that the public remains sheltered from. I think coming from a big story can make it seem like I sound like Im above others, because I don’t speak in slang, or short referencing anyone at celebrity status, for added philosophy, I don’t think that’s a safe idea given how many suicides, and drug overdoses there have been recently this decade, its been very troubling to comprehend, and I wasn’t writing yet at the time that everyone had passed. When you veer off course in life, such as blogging, that’s following your heart, meaning you will not know your purpose in life until you get there, and you will not know what amount of acceptances there will be there for you until you get there. So that’s not traversing to a new profession in blind faith, that’s having experience writing on topics and being of service to another, which many will not understand perched on the branch of power (money) in life. Not everyone has the money or the resources to own and operate a blog, I have been fortunate enough to be supported, and writing was my goal to publish a book, and somewhere along that road, when I had recovered from everything got hurt again, and that’s what makes it very painful to write, when you don’t feel good about yourself, and when others don’t feel good about you, that’s when something stupid happens to you, and the resulting feeling within is illness, which is not properly managed turns into mental illness, which I think is when your attitude changes from positive to negative, and you start shouting about things that ordinarily would not bother you, and then you start pushing everything away from you in life, that’s not going backwards, that’s just not moving forwards, and allow that hurt to fester, and that’s not totally anyones fault either, if I don’t match up with my age group. Thankfully I recently got asked out by a soldier, that I have been confiding in, you will reach your limits of desperation in life, and I think Im at that limit, where the past, was a job well done, the future should be in my potential, but the hurt is still there, and the voices are unbearable consequence, of being outnumbered in life, when others think that you have done someone wrong, and allow for them to do you wrong in a more public and dramatic way to all. So that’s the 2 by 10 rule, you could have affected them on a scale of 1 to 10 at a 2, then they come back at you and affect you on a scale of 1 to 10 at a 10 to see how you handle everyone knowing you in a negative way, and that’s not a condition or opinion of you that you can reverse, not by rumor, not by outfit, not by dating, not by being hospitalized, I interviewed at the ER. There is nothing wrong with me, so it must be what I feel talking to everyone, not sure of everyone, or thinking that anyone is reading and viewing me in the negative, that’s overthinking in a worrisome way, and it can be very draining as a writer to lose confidence, and to not feel good about yourself, it makes writing more difficult. Notice that everything is a short feeling, that then goes back, and then has to start again, then gets to a feeling, then goes back, and then describes whats stopping a feeling, then cannot say something to top everything off, so that it feels good, that’s the problem with writing when you don’t feel good.

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