Pushing for Conspiracy …

person in white shirt with brown wooden frame

I think everyone has been through a lot, and no one wants to be on the short end of the stick, on the receiving end of unwanted feelings, emotions, or any inflicted dialogues with expectation for you to rationalize another’s worry in life, having to do with you. It will always be when you are well that another will be made to be unhappy with you. Don’t push yourself to extremes. People being okay with you involves the following:

  • Keep a strict timeline of your own medical history.
  • Keep a strict timeline of all exposures, and educational history.
  • Keep a strict timeline of all contacts with courts, police, and emergency personnel.
  • Keep a strict timeline of everything shared online, all writings, and photos.
  • Keep a strict timeline, of all interactions, dates, and what you know about people.
  • Keep a strict timeline of any interaction that you have been made to not feel good by.
  • Always ask for help in the event that you are made to feel sick and don’t know why.
  • Get tested frequently, this is to protect your own health and the health of others.
  • Know your part, don’t assume anything, and do your best to speak intelligently.

Recognizing your own self-worth has been recommended to recite affirmations, you will not know the necessity of something until you are made to not feel good for any reason. The reassurances will not come from anyone else, most of that tension in life, that unspeakable space, will be due to them waiting on you to say something, that either confirms their thinking of you, or causes you to appear worse off, no one can perfect you but yourself, that’s not what people are for, to explain to you what you could be doing better, or to go out of their way to protect you from harm. Most of life happens to you, and its your responsibility to keep a level head on your shoulders, and not become consumed by anyones attacks on your good character, or criticisms of your expressions in life, you are what matters to you in life regardless of what anyone thinks of you, its you inside your body, its you working on your mind, and its you in control of your own intelligence and what makes you feel good, its not by likes that you are viewed as either with it, or possess traits of someone who has anything in common with anyone who likes the same things as you, it will always be about how you feel, that will in turn be the indicating factor for judgment by another looking at you, to determine whether there is something wrong with you, or something wrong with their thinking of you. I think anyone who has cared, becomes defensive in an offensive way, and that’s by what you support in life, then get assessed on an uneven playing field of cares in life, looking for a demonstration of not caring, about self, and if you appear to not take good care of yourself, blame you as an influential factor in anyone else dishevelment in life, not caring for themselves. Maybe mental health issues occur in that way, by how much you care about yourself, and if you care about yourself, a more trusted figure in life, recognizing your own worth, its usually easier to be in contact with people who take good care of themselves, than it is to talk to someone who is hard to look at or understand for that matter. (Zoning out) … There is no equation for freedom in life, and that may be a tough learning lesson once others become not okay with you, it will always feel justified by them, so keep your side of the street clean, don’t respond to any accusations of you having done anything wrong, and don’t allow the politics around the issues concerning world peace to bother you either. There will be many reasons for things not working out for people, and it will mostly be by those who are made to not feel happy with you or by you, you cannot love everyone, its not humanly possible to be there for everyone, or to be in loving relationships post trauma, it may take you 8 years to get back out there and date again, and it may take you 14 years to want to be social again (via writing online), and be yourself again, we all get hurt, the point is not to wait too long to recover from whats bothering you and to get help, there is a such thing as therapy, and from my recent experience with it, its about talking about whats wrong with you, for someone else to confirm, or affirm what it is you are thinking, and either encourage you, or help to redirect your thoughts as to what is hard to talk about, or what you think the issue is that others may have with you, and it could just be voices, something recently occurring that you haven’t really been bothered by and expected to act upon in the negative toward self, or assume is a specific person causing you to feel that way to cause others to support them instead of you, and to bother you as though you bother others, and that’s how alienation starts, and isolation, its you failing to adjust your settings, and the point at which you feel like you are being controlled by what others think or made to feel bad about yourself, its like being trapped under a pile of bricks, after throwing up foam, losing your face, and gaining 50 lbs back, only after you begin to start feeling well again, will slowly come to understand where that heat is coming from, and it will mostly be from anyone who thinks you are guilty, or that your story bears some component of guilt or secrecy. So that’s what is expected upon looking at you, someone who does not take accountability for their own life, who blames others for their problems. Ive never been not compliant in my entire life, Ive never not looked up to anyone in my entire life, Ive never not respected anyone in my entire life, Ive never not tried to help anyone in my entire life, Ive never had problems of my own in my entire life. Ive always been at ease, approachable, and easy to be in relationships with, I don’t need much to get by in life, I don’t even need money, love or respect, I think those are feelings that are attached to your ego, and I don’t think your ego is attached to your self-worth, I think there are better basis for self-actualization other that friendship and sexual relationships in life, that’s not how a person becomes respected, or well liked, it will be by how you talk, the conversations you hold, what you have to say, how you demonstrate care, how you address what issues you are experiencing, with awareness for the unhappiness of anyone who believed that by doing good things for others that nothing bad would happen. I don’t think on high alert we are smarter, I think that’s draining, and I don’t think in focus or at peace means anyone is more or less susceptible to being hurt in life. I grew up in a city, I went to college in a town, I grew up visiting the east coast once a year, and have traveled to Europe, Asia, and Mexico. That doesn’t mean that I understand the world in a way that makes be above anyone or more worldly, I think you can take courses and be given some exposure to whats going on in the world, but that doesn’t make you fit to hold those discussions in life in a beneficial way to all, there is a certain timing to bringing things up in life, and its when things are good, that that will not be a good time to rationalize blames by others, inferred based on what you see, that’s reading into things too much, so it wont matter if its something only you can see, never become fearful that anything you see as purposefully being done to insult you is about you, it will mostly be about others trying to protect themselves from being inferred to be blamed, by drawing attentions to a quality about you for inference, to see how you fair, and I don’t think that all people are strong enough for the types of tests, and aggravations that I endure on an individual basis, assumed to be speaking my mind or the mind of others in an unwanted way, you cannot represent everyone equally, that’s the problem with getting in trouble, that means that you are not viewed as being smart of having achieved solutions in life for a better well being, and it automatically causes others to ignore your input as being labeled something youre not, stupid, or mentally ill, addict, or alcoholic, or bipolar emotional in a selfish way then be accused of medications for a reoccurring problem psychosis, which they think is about you not feeling good, or taking out your frustrations on yourself via self harm, I think that pressure of blame is what causes voices, it will feel like bullying, that causes you a physical pain, much like anyone trying to intimidate you bringing up themes they are trying to hold you responsible for promoting, its what is being promoted by another looking at you, that they think that you have done something wrong, in blogging, I think everyone is free to say whatever they want to say about life, and free to express whatever they want to express in life, I think being in a room full of people, does not entitle me to that same privilege, I think past the point of not feeling well, doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong, it means that you are being looked at with expectation to explain, or to speak to be assured that it is not something that you think, or some reaction that you demonstrate, that has anything to do with anyone else, and that’s the miscommunication that occurs when you become upset, that’s a communication that no one cares about, what happens to you when you get hurt, everyone expects you to be tough, or tough it out, or hire an attorney, or file a lawsuit, or call the police, or drink, or be rejected, it will be by people not okay with you that you will be made to feel insulted and that’s how the war on you starts, it starts with one rejection or one person not being okay with you and it builds, it will be added to, then more examples of you not being well added to, then test you, then expect to hear from you to speak specifically to something that someone else is thinking or was thinking to see if you understand the thinking of others and that’s what causes people to not be able to let go, when they feel insulted or assumed to be thinking something they are not. When people are done with you, if someone sees you as a failure, if they don’t think you have compassion or are able to stop violence, then that is why it is caused to you by voices, to cause you to be violent toward yourself, and it will occur when you are well, are taking good photos, to say that you became something you are not, and then accuse you of being someone who destroys something well made (yourself), or misdescribe you as someone who is self destructive or someone who does not see the value in themselves or recognize when things are good and then in a moment of peace, describe you as mentally ill or disturbed by who, voices cannot be proven, its what you say you think the problem is, then the problem is caused to you to miscategorize you as being among those who disturb the peace, or who are unhappy not successful. So that is another form of alienation, why not to talk about people, not to talk about what you think others are thinking, not to express any resentments out loud, not to defend yourself in public, be understanding of others don’t be threatened by anyone who is threatening you, trying to get everyone to gang up on you and treat you as stupid or selfish or grose looking, or mentally ill. People just see a situation, see who you are, see whos affected, then hurt you so that they don’t have to take responsibility for what has gone wrong to your condition, and that’s having mental health issues, everyone takes it personally, and no one wants to be responsible if you get sick, and cannot tell what it is that is causing you to experience restlessness, or inability to stay asleep, or difficulty communicating or speaking in deep thought, it will all be judged as though you have not arrived to a point in your sobriety where you are thinking about what everyone else is thinking and trying to speak to other issues that may be of concern to them, this is why sharing at meetings is very difficult with mental health issues, if its not because of the drinking, and if its not because of the relationship, it will be a compilation of feelings of non-respect, or disrespect, or intrusion, or lack of privacy, or misrepresentation, that winds up causing you to feel ill, with everyone cold to you, that’s not being considered an important person but a problem, so that’s the travesty of going to AA its an admission that you have an issue with a substance that has caused you mental illness or for failure in life, and that’s if you are someone who knowingly does something to inhibit your senses, gets viewed as someone who has problems that come out upon using a substance that causes others to not want to be around you, like you, call you, or text you, that means that you are someone who is going through something that cannot be treated by drinking, dating, talking, texting, or meeting attendance, that means there is something defective about your perceptions in life, that have made you sensitive or seem unappreciative if not doing well with everyone, and that’s being known, when you are known no one gets close to you, no one approaches you, no one talks to you, and everyone ignores you, and that’s to see how you appear when you are well and no one is talking to you, that’s to see what happens to you, to then describe what were the causes for you being overweight or not pretty looking your senior year in high school, and why you don’t have any pictures of your middle school and high school experiences and all your yearbooks missing. That’s your life, your good years not remembered, and that’s purposefully done for you to later come to terms with not having tried hard enough, not knowing how to lose weight, getting soccer injuries, then not staying fit to play soccer in college, only playing freshman year. And then you move on in life, hopefully it never dawns on you that you were being viewed as a key component to general health related concerns regarding general movements and compositions and identity issues, which is by looking at you people can tell how healthy you are, so do your best to figure out beauty, and weight early in life, and not allow that to be an issues that gets viewed as guilt, or someone not knowing people not talking to people, or knowing what are the causes for them not having yet entered that quiet state of being above others, that you have never put yourself in that position of viewing anyone as smaller than you or below you in life. 

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