Facing Your Fears …

purple leaf

There will always be a stopping point when it comes to sharing your thoughts, and it will occur upon not sounding like yourself, or beginning to empathize with the wrong concepts in life, be miscommunicated through you, as though you are demonstrating care for the wrong issues in life, then be made an example of someone who seems like they don’t care, if they do not sound the same, or take the repercussions seriously, to familial embarrassment. I think there is nothing worse in life then letting your family down, letting yourself fall victim to the opinions of others, or allowing yourself to be mistreated by others punked around like you don’t know your own self-worth, and that’s when you need to have more control over what it is you are saying and what you are speaking to, recognize whether that issue is something lying in you, that later becomes a manifested interest shared by other in representation of you, upon knowing you and that’s what feels like your insides are being pulled out of you, for what cause is that asserted to empower anyone, to see what someone is made of, each component part of a pain affects how you express yourself, whether in a beautiful way, or in a painful way, and no one wants to hear an upset, following losses, that absolutely cannot be the excuse for any amount of shame or ridicule to follow, that’s not an excuse the sufferings of others, whats inexcusable is to be viewed as someone who does not recognize how fragile the times are, nor withdraws from argument that is made to be overly complicated, that much cannot be forgiven what happens to women, who get put out of the running for employment or marriage, what is it that denominates to anyone the right to finish someone off, send someone off, or put them on their way out to where in life, given what directions in life upon being hurt, is that to make someone like someone, or to teach someone a lesson on what it means to be a woman, not considering that they have already lived 35 years of their life as a woman, there is a such thing as women who are women being treated as men, that’s not what makes a woman tough, the same as a man feeling emasculated or losing their power and control over your output or focus in life, if not all to them then to what focus are your attentions leaving your focus for, its not all about love to any one person, that carries you through what is troubling you back to who you were before your health began failing you, and that’s the harsh realization of things being made to consider you or your output to blame for anothers actions and that’s how you will be so treated, and you will not know until much later, why you lost energy, why you needed so many medical treatments, why you were hospitalized so many times, it’s the part of you that goes missing being on point and being able to identify what is wrong with you, and this is why some people get put on meds, that’s not an excuse for anyones beauty being lost from the world, its never the victims fault, and it could not even be on purpose to make someone look bad, people aren’t as strong as you think they are, and while it may be fun to entertain an audience to all the topics that stand out to you, that’s not the solution either to play spokeperson for anyone who you think you know but have not talked in depth with long enough to know where their head is at, what their goals are in life, or where they came from, or who has already hooked up with them. Photos can be misleading, and so can cell phone contacts, that will not tell you how close anyone is to a person, and if that is the basis for judging someone as addict then that will be the basis for treating someone as schizophrenic or mentally ill without respect and reassurances in life. It seems when you lose your smarts that’s something no one can help you with, and assumes that its your own fault because of where you are in life, law school, that you get treated as stupid, I would never be anywhere in life, if it wasn’t to help people, not necessarily educate them or miseducate anyone into thinking that life is hard, or that love is painful, or misdescribe the world as not compassionate, or the competitive people that they are. That’s not me. I don’t see my life in terms of upper limits, that’s someone who is made to be okay with you, or suddenly not okay with you, based on what they think is happening, -and this is how self-harm starts, you become aggravated you cannot reason with them, and they do not believe you, that’s someone who you cannot convince that you have not done wrong, that you are doing as you say you are doing, and not be treated like there is something shady, or fishy about you, up to no good, or in progress doing something that will not end well, trying to get help, or talk to the courts, or visit DC, that’s seeing how everyone else is doing, that’s before disability and being shouted at or treated like one is mentally ill. When someone is not sure of you, there is no limit to their anger with you, and there is no going back once your mental health fails, then you cannot be with anyone and need to be alone, and that’s called healing from trauma, you cant force yourself to be with anyone half there, not doing well in life, or not knowing what is wrong with you. It only later became clear to me, that there was already a general code to communicating in public about things that brought people light in perhaps discomfort in regards to the issues, sometimes it will come as a shock, to be treated as stupid or not empathized with, and that’s a good time to part ways with someone, it will always be after you leave that your world becomes more difficult, so that’s leaving a situation in which another is not sure of you and you are not able to make happy, and that’s not leaving someone for a better life, and that much you learn as an adult, that life single is much worse than life in a relationship. That’s a choice to be alone, a sacrifice you make based on the circumstances to figure out what is going wrong, and mend yourself, in spite of what anyone else is thinking. I think culturally its common for men to make fun of eachother to build the esteems of one another, not affected, with women it can be a confusing lesson in life, in how easily you can be hurt, and how stupid inside you are made to feel with that lost sense of confidence like everything is going to be okay, and that you are capable of doing well with what you set your mind to, and that’s graduate school, which for me was not a good time for dating, and that was the biggest loss in my entire life. I recognize that not being able to be in a loving relationship with someone is disappointing and hurtful, that doesn’t make me a stronger person, its also difficult to be with someone who is not happy with you or who is pushing you to be more confident, I don’t think we all have that in us to shine or to rise to any occasion and draw more attentions to ourselves in the positive than is necessary. You can only be hospitalized so many times, and wait so many years to reconnect before everything hurts, and that was a really disappointing loss November, that resulted in self-harm and more disappointment. You will have breaking points in life, and sometimes that will occur upon going backwards in life, its painful for someone you don’t have a problem with to be angry with you, it may be your condition, it may be that you don’t have a job, it may be that you were not that pretty, it may be that you seem well, it may be that you have not dated since, it may be that you wrote online, it may be because you drank alone, it may be because of who you were friends with, there are many reasons, why someone is comfortable with the fact that you are around, and then become angry if you need alone time to run to century city and back, for me that was therapy, for him that was permission to interrupt my run with calls and texts and accuse me of ignoring him or cheating on him. I did not talk to school friends, I did not go out with girl friends, all I did was study and talk to him. I was a good girlfriend. I don’t think I planned on participating on Twitter, at the time, I had no followers, and Im not sure what compelled me to start talking, maybe it just meant that I was lost or working too hard job and school every semester, and probably was pushing myself too hard. He visited me at every job paranoid, he didn’t want me to work. You will not know the reasons for anothers concern, hopefully not before it is too late, and it was upon his recommendation that I applied for jobs and got a job, but still going through mental health issues, writing to the courts, and cc him, Im going through a lot, so if its that I needed a favor, perhaps its too late to have that conversation about what meds Im on or my limitations working, that Im not awake at night and cannot work at night, so maybe that much about me is shocking to an employer who maybe thinks that Im capable of functioning off meds, it will take time, to be a night owl again, I work in the daytime now, and changed my schedule to accommodate concerns. So that’s maybe why Im not dating because I take meds at 8pm every night most nights. That’s not giving up in life, when you get put under so much pressure in life, and when everything you have to say gets misunderstood as though you are complaining or lying about your condition, or stronger than you present through writing, hopefully its not too late to stick up for yourself, and stop making it about what anyone else is going through, and start speaking positively of yourself, its no ones fault if you get hurt, but it is your fault if you don’t get help, and that’s what keeps you from sharing your beauty with the world, its not an attitude, but if you discover things about yourself when alone, such as singing, or writing, or dancing, then maybe it was you made to feel scared or not be yourself trying to fit some mold that you couldn’t quite fit the bill in life, and that’s others being hard on you, to cause you to think that there is something wrong with you, and it could be my law school notes that everything was tested on me: abandonment, mental illness, drinking, tantrum, aggravation, embarrassment, losses, responding to losses, job choices, wanting to work in DC, whatever your goals were that were not supported, it wouldvve been better to be away for one summer, than spend 8 years in recovery in and out of the hospital, trying to put your life back together just to get a paid job. 

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