bipolar, blogging

Phases of Blogging …

be brilliant neon light

It takes time to open up, to speak your mind, to share advices learned and to move forward in life, consistently, without allowing the pressure to get to your head, remember who you are. It will always feel like that upon becoming known, people viewing your work, or wondering what anyone has to say about your work thus far, they will want to know where you’ve been and what steps you took in order to be where you are today. Blogging takes time, its not something that happens overnight, being in an upright position, awake, mind working, at its best. So that’s the excuse for setback when it comes to mental health issues, and to avoid discussion about what meds you take or what you’ve been through, that only seems to make things worse, feeling the negative judgment, instead of being proud of yourself and your progress. So if that’s the special consideration not made, then that would be commentary to be ignored, it doesn’t help to mention what hurdles you have overcome, that only seems to justify any progress as temporary, and no one wants to be permanently considered someone who is less than reliable in being able to speak well in public or hold discussions of value, without causing any vulnerability to you, or to anyone who knows you. So once the bullying starts that’s a good time to set back, not to grow, not to photo, and not to video, and that’s the consequence of any negative feedback, which is intended to cause you to believe that there is something wrong with you or anything you have said. Sometimes we don’t necessarily talk about things in the right way, so if you have an important story, don’t be short about it, that seems to cause a loss of respect, or feeling wise, become more insecure, and more susceptible to even viewing what your doing with your life in the negative writing. Ive never not been a writer, Ive kept a diary my whole life, so that’s how I spent my personal time, reviewing my day, compartmentalizing my thoughts, that was my therapy, not something I have ever avoided in life, thinking about life, whether I recognized what I was doing by journaling, helping myself, even if I didn’t have any problems at the time, or even if I was going through something difficult that writing helped me to think through and overcome in a positive way. 

Then there are problems in general, so in speaking online, its important not to discuss your problems outloud, and if any setback is mentioned, discuss what you have been through in the positive, what you have learned from your experiences, and if possible share some coping tips, if that’s your forte, or don’t hold yourself responsible for teaching any tips in life, in how you were cared for medically, hospitalized, attended rehab, went to AA meetings, attended IOP. Its not a made up condition bipolar, its something that gets treated and hopefully you can resume a normal life again, and if you don’t stay consistent with whats working for you, then things can get worse for you, academically, romantically, socially, and in basic conversations with people. Which is occurring now for me recently. Everything problem centered, so that’s not feeling good, and also not being able to share intimacies with others, that’s not pride, or negativity, that’s not being comfortable with opening up to others, and is not what I expected after putting together two successful blogs, and working on book drafts, and graduating. So if it’s a circumstance out of your control, then by discussion of whats not in your control, is not something that you will be able to easily wrap your head around, nor your audience. We all get hurt, its just not something anyone talks about, its not always intended, and if respect is lost due to how you carry yourself in private, then that will also be a cause for concern if you blog, being the same as you are online, and also able to hold normal conversations with people, not put yourself down in life, not give up, not feel good about yourself, or feel like giving up on what was working for you, talking to people, writing, and improving. 

So its in periods of setback that you are forced to look at yourself. What is working for you, in what aspects have you improved, and what could you being doing a better job of. Ive always been detail oriented my whole life, I don’t think my Instagram presentation is the best that I can do in life, but those photos were all my best photos I was able to take, Im not someone to nail a look everyday, its something you have to be in the mood for photography and video, and if you have mental health issues, if its not something youre working on in life, its hard to get started again, so that’s the issue with personalization and accountability, being the same person in writing as you look, and I think Ive done a good job of matching the two looks. -I think AA meetings and job come before any romance it seems to put the proper gears in place. Not get carried away online, or in private in a way, that you would not want everyone to see you as, that’s the concept of reality, is what your doing or thinking about in life reflect positively on you, or do you present problems in life, that no one wants to hear about, that’s why not to talk about your problems in private, if you cant be friendly and loving then its best not to talk to anyone at all, which is the place Im in in life right now, keeping my distance, its not a good time for story sharing, its not a good time for becoming unstable, and its not a good time to complain. 

Everything takes time. I think the moments when I have been most depressed have been saying no to things in life, like spending time with family, being around people walking at the park, applying for jobs talking about myself in the positive, participating on messenger, speaking to people of importance to me and checking on them, with limits. Writing to the courts by email, fedex for years, tracking my progress, recovery, setting goals for myself, staying out of the hospital. There will always be risks inherent to anyone getting to know you who doesn’t know you, that stopping point when then have decided for themselves that something is wrong with you, will be them trying to get close to you, open you up, and you not having anything to say to what they are concerned with about you, many will try to help you in life, you might not be receptive to everything they are trying to tell you, and sometimes you will feel offended by what they have to say. That’s the risk to blogging, you cant be too chatty, if its something about someone else it then becomes something they consider themselves an advocate for then attack your credibility to claim that you don’t represent who you are on your resume, and that’s how you lose your identity, and who you were before, any one elses side was taken not in favor of your own, so don’t waste time putting yourself in anyone elses shoes, make sure to keep your own in life, whatever all the haste is about, I couldn’t be more open than I have, and if its love that is the issue, then maybe that is not something that Im so willing to give away in life my heart, and that’s the problem that presents itself, when someone wants to know whats in your heart, or hurts you in the process, just to see what you have to say broken, without remorse. 

Theres nothing more insulting than doing your best, and then be criticized. It seems to be the case when I perform perfectly, nice to everyone or sweet in private, I immediately go down hill, that’s not regressing, that’s withdrawing from a situation in someone who I am okay with has decided to make me feel bad about myself, and threaten my feelings of safety, and interfere with my progress, so that I don’t feel safe, accomplished with a future ahead of me which was where I was at, fun loving, and now stuck in some depressed state, on more meds.

I recently applied for another IOP, which is intensive outpatient treatment, I have also gone to the ER to explain my situation get checked before starting work, and was not admitted, if that makes anyone else feel better about whats going on with me, not to affect anyone who does not understand what bipolar is or the importance of not being too demanding of someone with disability (bipolar). To me it means I simply wont have the same stamina and excitement for life, or have the same goals as anyone viewing me, sees me as going to extreme lengths to be known, I think this is it, that was my goal, likes on my blog. And so very proud to have a Facebook approved blog with likes, visible on my blog. That took time, to figure out how to not hold any discussions in which anyone would have a problem with me, so that’s how important it is to be positive, maintain a consistent tone, have something of value to share, and not to allow any fighting private or public to affect your output, stay steady whether or not anyone is not happy with you, displeased, or expects more from you. You know if your life is going to be destroyed by one person who does not wish to see you get a job, stay healthy, or get married, then they are not worth your time, to let someone back into your life, who does not care about you insults you. 

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