Ive never not been anyone who has not dated or not been asked out to date, and those are not my odds for finding love, being present, nor is that the impetus for being anywhere in life to be liked, or for the purposes of being loved, and that’s how I think I was mistaken. For someone who has been through a lot and who is loved, love is not something you need. If you choose not to be in any loving relationships, then like other things you put aside to focus on something else, becomes difficult, that’s when your heart can be mislead, not by what you are doing, but by who cares, and what they think anything is about. So don’t forget to be who you were before anyone decided to know you in that way, and recognize the importance of maintaining respects in life. 

My biggest mistakes in life, are to like someone who does not like me. And as I have matured and having spent many years alone, I recognize the value of being liked first, to know whether its someone worth warming up to in life, or a situation in which you will be made to feel bad about yourself. That’s politics. If you appear to sound smart one minute and mentally ill the next minute, not only will you be someone difficult to talk to, but it will not matter if you attended law school, that’s not where the hostility is coming from, it will be about your health, is what the concern is having heard from you, whether you demonstrate a candor that recognizes all the issues not just your own. Its in discussion to alleviate anothers disgruntlement with you, that leaves one feeling nervous, so this is me nervous, in place of someone who needed clarification on the issues, has since decided to not respect, on the basis of who they respect which I am not included among those that they adore, love or understand. Which could be one reason, why I am not viewed as someone who cares, so that by my instincts another is not affected (specifically women) whos gift is responsible for bringing children into this world, not to be played with.

What is the gift? Its recognizing whats important, without being persuaded, that there is something wrong with your thinking, that what makes sense becomes clear to you, and by clear, I mean it becomes easier to think about things not more difficult. Then there is fame and infamy, a person who is the type of person to walk into a room and be noticed, does not mean that they strong internally, looking for attentions, or standing out to draw attentions to themselves, or in need of attention, to be responded to, that’s the mistake in judging a woman who stands out, thinking for bad reasons, or is someone who views themselves as better than others aloof. 

If you know where you are going in life, then that is one reason for standing out. If you know what youre about and are not concerned with what anyone else is thinking, then you are valuing the space of others, and not bothered by anything ongoing, intending to be about you in the negative, that’s not yet having arrived to the hoopla, which can sometimes involve, you being made to look stupid, or treated as stalker, or obsessed, because of your association, viewed to be small minded, or treated as repetitive, or someone who relived event in their mind, or visualizes anything past happening or present happening, without recollection or conscious awareness, of what is being thought or viewed, and then not speak to what is not said, made to happen. 

What does this all mean? If you are someone who is viewed as sheltered it could be that you are not recognized as having been through a lot, you are viewed as someone who is out of sync, not well when others are, or not well when others are well, and there is no system to wakefulness, or conscious understanding, or the breathe or brevity of topics and analysis which can fly over your head in life, if you are not yet reflecting on life in that way, who is here and who is not here.

When coming to terms with losses, its important to pay your respects. In the past I have been someone who was very thoughtful, in my later years as a 35 year old having been hospitalized 9x, and not completely sure of my capabilities in life, have not seemed to be able to maintain the faith of others in me, most likely treated as someone who loses faith or wanders which was never my personality, always on point, I don’t notice a person in the room, not bothered by anyone. 

So that’s the rush, when a life is lost, that’s not an energy that speeds you up in life, and it should also not be an energy that brings you to a hault, it would be common to also end up winding up in some delusion, while on your own, that life is passing you by, without having lived it and been around people long enough to have friends again, and that can be a feeling that may be misunderstood as impulse, if its not what you have said that is destroying the faith of others, then it must be the expectation that one requires others to have faith in them, I don’t think it works that way past trauma, pain, and hurt. As someone who has been hurt before, I think in my later years, its not rebellion its that if one is hurt they become less willingly (less able) to give their heart freely to anyone, and it can become a demanding situation, of pressure on you, to lighten up, in exchange for anyone feeding off of your input in life, to feel like there is an emergency after an emergency, which does not occur in quiet, and does not occur per psychosis, that is the instability of one, not intending to disfavor the stability of others, nor caused by the chaos post trauma, which is not your emergency, but an instability to determine whether its by your performances in life, that things tend to go well, and whether when hurt whos fault is it for anything else to go wrong. Upon any meeting of the worlds, it will be by who is new, not yet at a standstill, not yet with sides, not yet folded to the best interest of anyone, complacent, waiting to see who next will arrive, or what needs to be done to control a situation, not everyone is well versed in how to manage people, or emotions for that matter on a large scale, means Im new to this type of pressure, when everyone is reading, and anyone watching up close, has some expectation for being read. Which I am not. So how does one see? Its not what is seen looking at you that you come to see or understand life, or by who you blend best with, but it will be based on a combination of inputs by exposure that you are either drawn to certain things in life, or become less connected to whats in front of you, or to who is watching you expect the same.

This skill I have learned through reading. Its not my ability to read and summarize, it will be based on your ability to simplify, which at this chapter in my life, is what makes me not feel so good about myself, to spend a lot of time and energy writing, and for it not to be valued with consideration, simplified to an incident past whether true or not to determine, whether I am someone who is ever up, and for what reasons, or punished or shamed, as not someone to be confident with as though there is something about me to be hidden, Ive never been gay. So this then becomes an issue with my birth name “Les-lie,” so if it’s a word thought then upon looking at me or what my interests are, is not then the secret that binds people without me, maybe it will be a shared appreciation for who is well, and what lengths to strive for in life, live up to. 

So what explains all the voice changes? If you are someone like me who does not go out, and is not social, and has focused on school due to learning disability not yet at the functioning age of multi-tasking doing many things well at once, which occurs over time with experience. Everyone has their own system for getting going in life, and now in the middle of a slow down, it may feel more difficult to stay motivated, and maybe that’s what Im for, a handed over feeling, or a sense of togetherness meaning Im put together, that can be viewed for reassurances. So that’s the opposite effect of walking into a room people feeling good, to walking into a room and people not thinking well of you, its about then who is better than who, is influencing who.