blog, blogging

Sticking Behind Decisions …

anonymous people painting the wall

Nothing in its infantile stages of development, is a comfortable outing of interests, and you will not know or understand how fragile the times are until all is spent, and that’s not the way to encourage, or to make others feel whole, as though their best efforts have gone unnoticed, or have been done so in vain, for the purposes of fulfilling some imaginary role in life as friend, confidant, companion, employee, or maybe one day lover wife and best friend. 

We are not all afforded things in life, past mental health issues, so if it was a lonely life before, that cant make life much easier moving forward, no matter who you share your beauty with. There are terms to staying well, which includes the comforts of others, the traits less admirable of anyone held to any leadership positions in life would be: boastfulness, being obnoxious, overconfident, overstepping boundaries, presenting as bigger than they are, seeing themselves as above others, or viewing themselves to be better than anyone, there is a general distaste that follows.

So this is me saying this is my best. I hope to improve mental health wise, maybe not be on fewer meds, but that is something about myself others will have to learn to accept, I have to be on meds, because of what Ive been through I go through many hurdles emotionally and mentally that if I dont respond appropriately, my life becomes more difficult, thats having to be professional everywhere you go, not a loud mouth, not a talker, polite, and nice to everyone, not a difficult person or anyone who presents difficult concepts in life, to help anyone to see a bigger picture that they cant already see themselves.

It will get no better than this, and this is where I stand in terms of what my needs in life, what my cares are, and when I feel most stable, which is when everyone is at peace, theres nothing to fight for in life, everyone has homes, jobs and careers, this makes no sense for argument, over intelligence. Everyone is permitted to work, and should I get well and do better in life then I will work outside the home too, get a paid position in law which almost happened this year, but my bipolar interfered performance why, being normal, not unstable, which is not anything that an employer can help you with, falling behind in life, not strong. I understand that everyone wants me to work, its not easy to work not with mental health issues, its very physically time consuming, and its not a pace that you can keep up with, the expectation and learning curve of being relied upon. So if you don’t stay well in between jobs, of course everyone will wonder how were you able to complete your masters and why are you in a later condition of giving up, that my audience will not understand either, how could I allow myself to get hurt, and whats hurting my heart and for what reasons was my heart intended to be hurt, so that Im not able to assemble myself doing what I love most, running and writing. And this is where the importance of study begins.

Custom etiquette in the event that you fall ill is to let others know, that’s not to worry others, or mean that you are expected to push through illness for any reason. There is not use in continuing to work past the point of feeling sick, not unless there is no one else to help you, and its something that needs to get done that you cant get an extension for, such as a deadline. [1]

So who is at fault for misleading the people in terms of why events happen that no one has control over and whos fault is that when things don’t work out. There is not stopping of anyone who is trying to prove that its your identity that does not enliven the lives of others, and maybe it was funny getting to know me, and to know who I am, but that doesn’t mean that I have been known my whole life by many, or being used to communicate for myself to be watched by others inquisitively or in the negative be viewed as anything others than a source of light to others. And this is where the light jokes come into play, whether you are the bearer of traits for someone to be loved, or whether you are someone in need of love, who does not posesss the traits of someone who is loved freely, absent minded who they know in life, be made to love on that basis,.

Ive never been facially deficient, or had body dysmorphia my whole life, only during a few years in life, overweight (2003, 2007, and 2017-2020). And that’s not me not taking care of myself, or God taking care of business, and punishing me either, known in a negative way during any of those years in life, so to experience something at age 35 that I have never endured defamation, no I am not responsible for the face changes or for gaining weight, that’s a pressure in life not imagined that I can control, who is in possession of anything of value of mine, and where my sense of peace and empowerment has gone, to the clarity of another not in favor of my own. 

This is how blogging helps. Helping me to move forward, and to work past what has been said past that is becoming the terms to which I am help or being judged for in the negative, and this is how overcoming sickness does not happen well for someone, who is being punished on the basis of something said private, made to discuss in public to see whether that hurts me or others, or whether I don’t disclose things in protection of whom and why, and this is the issue with voices, being convinced that you are something you are not, not someone who applied to the #usnavy (2009). So that’s someone who did not see things as not working out for me, that’s seeing the issues, and realizing that maybe I needed to be on a stronger team in life, that there were too many elements or risk involved in being who I was without any support mentally to discuss what was bothering me or what types of threats were received, that winded up causing me suicide (pressure). That’s made to think that everyone thinks something outside of who you know. 

So if its not something you talk about and later heal from, that’s not everyone knowing your story, that’s people having heard in brief what it is you have gone through, and not expecting any less of you proud that you are doing well anyways. So what is it that makes people feel like they are being made to be quiet, it will be something said to you that you don’t want to hear then a sudden hurt, which is something that either later upsets a person, or is a temporary feeling, so that’s why its so hurtful to be treated as a criminal or someone who is not supporting their own Country and the Countries that they have supported past, be made to look like they are on a lesser team in life, not on a tram that symbolizes what I do stand for: trust, authenticity. 



Photo Choice:

I wore overalls to Staples Center following the loss, and have done my best since that point in time to rise to the occasion and be a positive person, maybe not something Im recognized for photos or videos but have done my best to share my life with others, whether or not I am important or viewed as being supportive of those losses, not to encourage losses future, there is not end at heart, in mind, or foreseen, and thats the mistake with punishing someone so that they can not be situated among the well, and be treated as someone who reacts for reaction, or does things in a powerful way that doesnt support the good health of everyone, who either relies on the materials presented to support their good health, and allows for others to feel supported by the good health of others, which is not to make people feel bad for how they were or are now, is the issue.

Basically I dressed up as Michelangelo, and thought we need a new ceiling, everyone was dim. Sat outside and there was a Goodyear blimp overhead, they tend to send blimps whenever Im going through paranoia, sick. That may be a good time to reflect on what that means if the skies are open and blimps are in plain sight. Thats in favor of the art world, who cannot play with our senses, like psychologist try to do with themes in your face, and similarly I dont want the writing world to be affected either limited or made up tight to speak to the wrong interests in life, the world should be free to feel good no matter who is up or in power, and thats the loss that hurts everyone who was in theme, made to not feel good, by what themes were controlling, degrading others.

And thats when I messenger’d Ari Emanuel who filled his seat with Mark Wahlberg, who seemed traumatized, and waddled up the stairs, in my fitted black overalls at 192 lbs. Pride starts the moment you start working toward it, not leave others feeling sick, tired, or abandoned, and its not until everyone feels strong and well around you, that means that youre doing a good job, and who everyone feels free again, you will notice.

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