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Outgrowing Competitive Energy …

photo of airplane with smoke trail

For every well moment you experience in life, be proud of yourself, its when competition hits, that things go from sailing in life, to a stand still, or weight gain for that matter gained 18 lbs since January, finally reached my goal weight -30 lbs was at 160 lbs, and happy, maybe my face did not appear fine lined and stand out in a loving or personal way to demonstrate that I was proud of myself, but its also possible for photos to be misread as meaning something else. This Ive learned the hard way, that when you are well, others may not be happy with you, and if you are somewhere new in life, you may reach points of instability, there is nothing that can carry you through that feeling to stability other than yourself, and it will not matter where you are in life, what job you were accepted to, or what you have said online, that threshold to the next chapter in life, is all about whether you deserve to be surrounded by the well, welcomed by the outsider, or pleasing whoever it is that did not believe in you, made not to worry about you. There are so many factors to consider, in trying to be successful and while you may not be aware of everything, hopefully its not too late, to sit back and appreciate things, before its too late, either feeling sick, losing momentum, or feeling outnumbered which is a tell tale sign that youre not making others happy, difficult to accept, or not sounding like the person they expected you to be in life, strong, not hurt, or broken hearted, torn, or made to look stupid. So it can either happen that you overshoot your goals in life and find yourself dumbfounded, or you do your best, and it hits others before you, something you have said, they are prepared for but you are not prepared for happening to you, that is feeling stupid and not knowing why, which is a type of guilt displaced to you, by someone who thinks that they can better communicate to everyone what youre about, what you have done wrong, or who for that matter, and that’s the basis for respect, it doesn’t go both ways, post breakup, its you that becomes the weaker of the two, and while it may hurt the other, for you to be out on your own, its by who is able to move on in life, that becomes the more respected of the two, and once you realize that it can be a very painful concept to comprehend, that when you were well you looked stupid, then when you became smart, or more aware, you were made to look stupid, and it caused you physical illness. That’s not mental health, that’s you being made to internalize what it is the other person is feeling, and then be treated like you don’t understand the concept of being used, dumped, or made to look weird, which is a lost look, that occurs when the other feels found, but you are left incomplete. So therefore life is not about competition, the more liked you are the longer you have demonstrated that you don’t interfere with the happiness of others, that you are able to be proud of yourself in spite of what others think, that’s not not caring what others think, that’s not allowing the insecurities of others, to dictate, what it is that is perceived to be an error on your part, so that you being well are not empathized with, that’s someone being affected by anytime you have changed, that doesn’t mean that you are changing with the intent to worry anyone, who notices. What is guilt? Its things being okay then things not being okay. How many people have felt that before without anything happening, its called instinct. When you feel a gut reaction requiring you to think, that just means that your next reaction: (1) decision (2) choice (3) expression matters, that’s your body telling you to think twice, that doesn’t mean that your emergency in life, should be problematic to anyone else, who expects you to be stable and happy, and that’s not you being too late, that’s others not comprehending that you were harmed why the photo taken inside the courtroom upon the second visit, had a stain on my lip, so that’s not me being in a bad mood, that them meeting me in one piece, then having changed, which is why there was no court that day, and no one was out in DC. I feel like theres this common theme of being found out about, which is not how a well run society should function, made to feel guilty by what anyone thinks, its not the fault of anyone for not knowing anyone, or for thinking anything about anyone, it is the fault of the person, who (a) does not feel well (b) allows themselves to be convinced that they have done something wrong, that’s not acting, that’s being treated like youre acting, and that’s not love, to push a theme of “cheating,” or a song being about something negative intending to label me in error, for how I have ever responded to being ignored in life, you should be good on your own, unless made to feel unstable, so its always okay to walk away from relationships, you always find better, that’s so long as you stay well, and the reason for that is that if you are someone who allows yourself to be hurt constantly, by breakups, sadness, or anything that has ever made you feel insecure, then youre only letting yourself down, and most people are proud of you no matter what you look like, so long as you keep the version of yourself around the one who is sweet, fun loving, animated and at ease, okay. What does it mean to connect well, it probably means continue to stay home until well (ie comfortable walking in public), will probably not be dating on apps (just stay put nows not a good time to worry about that), or because of politics, get hurt, and the shame that follows from things not working out like job loss and gaining 18 lbs, which if to prove heartbreak or expectation dumbfounded, that’s what happened. Everyone gets hurt, its never the fault of the writer, for how anyone else who chooses not to support your journey through writing, make things seem like anyone is writing without the permissions of anyone who cares, so long as you remain the smart version of yourself. If you stay well, it should be when you are not well that others are made to become disappointed by you, and that is a feeling to be avoided, when you are not feeling good, or being anyone who upon speaking, is viewed as someone who speaks and does not make anyone feel good, and that’s how the cookie crumbles. The slippery slope in prevention, is trying to prove mental illness, to prove that ones philosophy, understanding of people, psychology of ethics, exposure to film and music, does not make them a good candidate that compliments to who may be concerned with regards to managing and maintaining respect of oneself or interfere with the ability for anyone else to rise above an issue, not tolerant of, which is a feeling that gets projected through you, in the form of text message, or anger public, that’s to cast you out as someone who does not recognize the pain that another endures, upon separation, which if you are tired and need to focus on what youre doing with youre life, that doesn’t mean that anyone was ignored or not cared for, it might mean I was ignored, and they were not enthusiastic about me, not sure of me, so that gives me every right to be alone, not mean. The low blows occur on your way away from a person, that’s to test whether you are someone who is in need, has benefited, or having been injured, not be blamed as being the cause, so that’s a strategy for if mentioned, to be defended against, and its upon mention another feels entitled, to having their opinion heard through you, to forgive how they responded to you directly, and this is when miscommunications occur, that do not favor your condition in life. It will be everyone upset, when you are calm, or everyone in need, when you are uptight quiet, so that’s just people not feeling symbiotic, so sometimes life happens that way waiting to hear from the other, in order to know how to feel, and that’s not co-dependency, that’s the upper hand. 

Therefore if you are going to argue in favor of no fighting, you have to represent everyone favorably, or not speak at all, you will know if everyone feels represented, if no one attacks you, shouts, and by your stats, no one is made to feel scared, or uncomfortable, and if there are any rejections of you, supported, without causing additional harm to your ability to move forward. What is to be avoided, is to not allow for yourself to change in the process of accommodating another hostility toward you, which if you give up, then becomes not their fault and justified as being consistent with what “voices,” they think you are hearing, try to make that a reality. -Which is how a nightmare happens, when nothing you are doing, provides the type of instinctive reassurances to yourself as writer, and thats how worry happens, upon you not being okay, and its not okay to put anyone in worry, or cause anyone to feel like anything is out of control, including your own perceptions, mental health, or what you have to say, thats needing a stopping point, when the discussion continues, without you, and causes aggravation to you or to others, thats also known as unhappiness, which at a time like this is an unnecessary avenue to justify anyones feelings or actions for that matter, if its been one year of devastation, that is not the fault of a Country who outshines others in terms of talent, then its not our energy that has caused a loss of faith or stability to any people, who were not made to feel good by a Country, without a website, to share currently whats at issue, or going well, cause anyone to think that we were blindsided, or blinding anyone with any humor, that still to this day is probably still funny, and if there was a change must be in representation of another issue, not present in the lives of everyone yet, which means the work has already been done, so why question what is going well, or short-sight anyone, who is deemed to not be well with people or not be well when others are well, thats because I was trying to figure out my own timing, not the timing of bad events, which is not something you should be able to predict be made to be geared by happenings, not your own moral philosophy, which is not speaking in code in your head matching words to your story to words on your blog, or matching tweets or blog posts, to the identity of anyone, no one can consume you unless you allow for someone else to have been healed by something you have said, and in exchange causes you to lose your place in life as well, if the purposes for staying well was to help make everyone feel better that means that I was doing a good job of maintaining the peace, the fact that my book is not published, means that they were going by another book, to mischaracterize me or anyone I know, as “taking things too far,” or having a big head. #stophate -Whats too far? Its when you keep going, and no one is made to feel good by you, thats too far. So what is peace? Its saying something that another recognizes as meaningful makes sense, without a feeling back that makes them feel small or unintelligent, its not a capability that boosts intelligence, its being okay with people, and not being bothered by anyone, or losing motivation to a feeling, of not feeling capable, or able, smart.

Please Note: Not feeling well today, sorry if anything flips from positive, to not sensitive enough its hard to keep up, with reminders to self, writing, not be too critical, try to start editing, something new I started this year. Just noticing that now, agreeable, then something that doesnt sound supportive, so be careful not to say anything, that seems like Im talking about someone else, not myself, trying to reason why my limits, are not respected. Im humble, I think that changes I made in life, were necessary to be liked, just stay positive.

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