At Differing Speeds …

crop faceless women sitting at table with cups of coffee

At differing speeds, there will be more or less points of inheriting a value that you yourself do not determine is important, which you may later find to be important, depending on what you are processing about life, sometimes it can be helpful to hear what you have said, or beter yet what others have said, and that’s where the shock comes into play, when you take a present understanding, and apply it to a previous writing, reading through the lens as you are now, versus who you were then, should be no different the feeling, not if you allow yourself to do the extra thinking it takes, to hold an opinion counter to something you have heard once that did not bother you the first time around, and then later be held to a higher standard be judged as now all of a sudden being bothered by something that was assumed to not have bothered you in the past, I think we all react differently, so its not for one example, to take the prize in case to what it is that creates a change in a person, and I don’t think that change is always positive, not everyone values you at whatever speed you are at in life, and sometimes its by what is not said, that it is assumed that too much has been said, or assumed the causes for not speaking to be knowing of something and in avoidance of something, or waiting on the other to speak, to hear how it should sound or what it should be like, when there is an understanding that is fruitful and helpful for all to discern. You cant go back in time, if that’s one thing that I have overheard recently, not sure how it applies to Prince Harry’s situation, I think he’s going through a lot and just moved here, and is feeling a little insulted himself, probably, not in agreement with everyone, if there is still sickness at bay, but you cannot blame others for what occurs for someone personally, in theory we should all be strong enough to handle all attentions, whether or not we know where it is coming from and why. That’s not how to play the game if there ever was a game to be played, in terms of who is feeling good, who is feeling smart, who is feeling fit, and who is feeling pretty, I think that all changes depending on what phase you are at in life, and if its an exchange of words that gets a conversation going, then it will be to see how I interpret insult, if I have so much love for the law, how does that explain why I have not finished my JD, maybe its to do with money, maybe its to do with respect, maybe its to do with grades, maybe its to do with jobs that pay, and maybe its to do with not talking to family enough in the positive about myself, and always being too busy, without any problems to take the time to sit down and actually think about life. I think by about the time that all the discomfort has passed, and everyone is again comfortable with everything, it will be their reservations to you that wont make them feel bad about giving you a hard time, but it will be you that does not feel good, when everyone is benefiting from everyones wellness, and that will have nothing to do with you or your problems by the time that occurs, and that’s not a ship that you want to miss in life, the good years, or everyone feeling good, jovial, or enthusiastic about life, and earning a living, working, and starting families, I think I took a different path in life, so while it may seem like that’s the type of life to be jealous of, the next comment is for something snobby or cocky, like “if I wanted that type of life I could have had it, but I chose career instead.” I don’t think anyone really understands why someone cannot do two things at once, date and finish law school, work, and get a paid job, it’s a series of commitments you make over a period of years hopefully not 8 years like me, to complete one task and pick up the other, I don’t think that I work in that way, and most don’t after failure, it causes them to question themselves, to think about life, and if you give up in those moments of weakness, then there really isn’t anyone around to help you up, it will be once you come out of something difficult, that then you become a fun person to talk to, or others positive toward you, it almost seems as though an admission is needed from you, in order for another to feel good about themselves, whether that settles the dust on an issue, or whether it was looked at s a basis for being condescending toward you or viewing your story as not compelling, or emotional, I think I went to one big AA meeting “The Pacific Group,” at the University Synagogue, and I was late, and the ushered me into a seat, that was left closer to the partition two rooms created to make one room, I grew up they would roll the whole Torah out for everyone to hold, and when I heard the woman speak I cried, I was actually that fortunate to hear another woman’s story about love and things not working out, that it was a story that I could relate to, not having hasd the opportunity to be in a loving relationships, where we are finishing one anothers sentences, we are google eyeing eachother, or being cuddled and told supportive words and phrases, baby’d, or texted in a supportive way, when I am busy, with a patient tone, I don’t think I have ever had anyone that attentive to me, maybe once or twice, and did not get married, I later learned in therapy that the peaceful relationships are the good relationships, and although there may be boring moments, you don’t have to do all the chasing, and you don’t have to be super-monogamous and only talk to them, you can talk to others, and that’s not cheating, and if its something that makes you feel uncomfortable, then its something to mention, even if it aggravates you, it will always seem like something is not stopping before your eyes, in a way, that is probably intended to traumatize you, so take everything with a grain of salt, and don’t be too possessive over anyone that you love, if they love you they’ll be around, and if its too difficult or not fun anymore to love you, and there are more important things to worry about, then don’t take that personally either, no matter where or who their attention is on, be strong. 

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